What can this be?

[mrsdz]

I have never seeked treatment or spoken to someone in the medical field concerning issues I have been having for many years now. As I sit back and look I Have gotten worse to the point I feel very lost and alone. About six years ago I was in a pretty bad 3 car accident resulting in the death of one of the drivers that crashed into me. Knowing that it was not my fault I persisted in blaming myself for a couple years. I had blacked out about 10 minutes leading up to the accident but remember everything during it. Replaying it over and over in my mind in slow motion every aspect of it. I had dreams of this accident, I could not sleep sometimes for days with nothing but the accident in mind, I had suicidal thoughts, I had began speaking to myself as if I were speaking to people in or there that night, such as family police doctors ect... A family member spoke to her doctor about me and he said to seek help for post traumatic stress disorder. I never did seek help for this I did not feel at the time I needed it. I thought it would pass. As I began to get better the slightest things would trigger flashbacks, being in a car and seeing a light, smells, certain words, trying to do things that I was able to do before the accident but no longer could due to injuries. I also had a pounding heart as if there was someone squeezing my heart in their hand and my upper stomach. I stopped going out alltogether and talking to most people. All this went on for about 2 years.

I then began to get better. The accident was not on my mind all the time as it did before, I stopped conversating with myself, the dreams faded, I was going out of the house and driving again. I would still get flashbacks and think about the accident but was never myself to the fullest again. After about 3 years of feeling mostly back to myself.

Now for the last 3 years I have been gradually getting worse again with different symptoms. I have not driven in over a year and a half. I began developing many fears. I am afraid of loved ones getting into a car wreck or something else happening to them. I do not go outside often due to fear of someone trying to talk to me as they pass by the house. I screen all my calls, if I do not recognize the number I will not answer it then I spend the next so many hours calling all over to make sure my loved ones are safe. I am afraid to go shopping or do anything outside the house unless someone I can trust is with me. I go to great lengths to avoid contact with the world outside (outside my house). I try my best to not deal with anyone I have not known for a long time. I do not like any visitors except for a select few people. I used to have days I would wake up and be able to make phone calls without an issue or go places but now those days seem to be fading deeper into the past almost non existant. I have issues falling asleep. I cry for no reason or for reasons only I can understand. I am getting worse as far as irritability goes. My chest and upper stomach are feeling the pressure I spoke of before but this time it is there 3/4 of the time I am awake and much more intense. If something bad happens or someone says something that doesn't sit well with me that is what I think about non stop until something else happens. I have no energy or ambition anymore, everything seems so hopeless, I feel hopeless lost and alone. I have difficulties in making decisions, therefor I am very dependant on others.

For years my husband has been telling me to seek treatment but had no recollection of my thoughts other than I did not drive and felt more comfortable in our home. I most recently have been telling my husband some of my thoughts. He has been calling around different mental health offices trying to get me help with no success, when they find out the insurance I have they say they can not help. I am embarrassed and ashamed which is why I never have went in for help, even though I need it.

My question here is does anyone know what this is or might be? I have checked out mental disorders on the website but have difficulty in defining just one.

[Mark]

This is almost certainly PTSD - post traumatic stress disorder. Think of it as post car accident anxiety disorder - because that is what it is in your case (probably). Though you knew intellectually that you may not have been at fault in the accident, your emotional system doesn't respond rationally. What it knows is that someone died and you were involved and it jumps to a causal association.

The basic idea with PTSD is that after a near-death or death experience a person remains haunted by the event which stays fairly fresh in their mind and intrudes into their consciousness in an unwanted fashion. There are efforts to avoid thinking about the trauma usually, and a sense of heightened fear and hypervigilance regarding the future potential for harm.

You describe the first symptom cluster (the intrusion) as something that has occurred in the past, and the second two (avoidance and heightened fear) are still occurring presently.

PTSD is an anxiety - avoidance sort of problem. It causes people to avoid things, and the way to work it out is to help people stop avoiding those things. But this must be done with great care, becuase the things people are avoiding are very sensitive.

There are several therapies - all forms of psychotherapy - that are currently state of the art with regard to treating PTSD. The first is called Prolonged Exposure therapy - listen to Dr. Edna Foa, who is a famous (in academic circles) PTSD researcher and clinical psychologist describe that therapy in our recent Wise Counsel podcast. The second therapy is called EMDR which stands for Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing - which is a mouthful so people just call it EMDR. That therapy is described by its founder, Dr. Francine Shapiro in a separate Wise Counsel podcast.

Hope this information is helpful to you. This is a chronic condition but you can expect that with the proper therapy and investment in doing the required work that you can substantially lessen the difficulties this event has caused in your life.

Mark

[mrsdz]

Mark,

I appreciate the time in responding to me reguarding my post. I do find the response helpful and have listen to the links you have provided. Thank you very much.

[mrsdz]

Since I have last posted the axiety attacks have been getting much worse. About a week ago my husband told me it was time to find a doctor for help. We drove into offices with no luck because of the insurance. All referring me to go to the ER. After sometime I gave into my husband and said I would go. When we got in the back they ran all kinds of tests on me and told me it was protocol before I could talk with someone. So I grinned and bared it. After about 5 hours in the ER they send someone down to ask me some questions who in the end gives me a referral. At one point my husband had been asked questions when he went on to answer he said my wife doesn't even want to be here, before he got the chance to finish a nurse said the door is right there she can leave. Not letting him finish what he was going to say. I asked for something to help with these attacks and to help me sleep. my husband pushed for something to help me relax they would not give me anything. I was told Medication takes 2 weeks to work so he would not bother to give me anything. I was treated as I did not belong in the ER, but after all I was there for my referral and got one as I was told to do so I just had to deal with it. I was sent on my way being told to call the number in the morning, that I could get in right away. When calling the number they said I had to wait until October.

I am very new to the way things work with getting help in the mental health area. I just can not help but think this is not what you do to someone pretty much begging for help. Is this the way it always goes as far as attempting to get help? I hate to think there is that much inconsideration to someone suffering. I did not expect a red carpet or anything but wow I never felt so belittled in my life.

A friend of the family is a bone doctor. He advised a relative of mine, after hearing what is going on with me to give me some of her ativan until I can be seen, He said that I should of been given that or something close it for the attacks. I am afraid to take it since I do not have a prescription. Can I get an opinion, Should I take the Ativan? Will it be a help in these attacks until I get into a doc? I am very tempted to try them since these attacks are getting worse.

[confused12]

Hi mrsdz

Sorry to hear about your experience in seeking help. It's not easy taking that first step and it is a kick in the gut when you are in such a state already. Stick with it though, you will find someone who will listen. Your husband sounds like he will help you find the help you need. I would be stressing about taking other peoples medications though. I play by the rules, even if I think of tempting rules I get very anxious. Best of luck for your appointment. Until then keep posting.

1confused12

[mrsdz]

Thanks for the support 1confused12. I do not think I will be taking any of the meds. I feel the same way about breaking the rules.

[Proverbs31:28]

It definitely sounds like PTSD to me. The fact that you are triggered by things which remind you of the accident- sights & smells- are a red flag. I hope that you are able to receive the help & therapy you need. I am sorry this makes you feel ashamed or embarassed and I hope you will see and accept that none of this is your fault and should give you no reason for shame. You did not cause the accident or the resulting disorder, so please let up on yourself a little.

As for the Ativan, I definitely would not take it without a doctor's orders. Reason being, you do not know how your body will react to any med. For me personally, I had a psychotic reaction to Ativan and ended up in the ER. If you are not prescribed the med, how would an ER doc respond if you showed up with some kind of reaction to it. I know October seems like a long wait but for psychiatric care, its actually a pretty quick referral. Around here, an initial appt can take 3-4 months to schedule! Please hang in there and let us know how the appt goes.

Edited September 23, 2008 by Proverbs31:28

[Natalie]

Mrsdz-

I echo everyone else's sentiments... please don't take medication that is not prescribed for you. I know it is very tempting because you are desperate for relief.

I am so sorry that you had such a crummy time in the ER. I know that wasn't helpful.

In terms of finding help sooner.... do you have insurance? I was unclear from your other post if that was an issue for you.

[mrsdz]

Lifeless, Yes, coming up on a 4 way intersection on any street bring back the images of that night, I can not get the sound of crushing metal out of my head. As for the ativan, I was reluctant but tempted, quickly shut down by the idea after having posted due to my own thoughts on taking something not prescribed to me and a post made by 1confused12, followed by the rest of you. Also, on the couple week wait for the appointment, I have been reading around and talking to people so that doesn't seem like a long wait to me anymore. I seen people waiting months as you said. I feel better about that now.

Natalie, Yes, I do have insurance, state insurance, which is why I had such a hard time finding a doctor. The insurance I had for many years lapsed due to my husband having a hard time finding work. I think the stress of finances is adding to to the pot of all the attacks but I dunno hope the clinic can help me out on that.

Skysoldier,

Thanks for the positive reinforcements. I did that need. Definetly, is something that I should follow. Just having a hard time getting in line these days.

Thanks all for your responses. I appreciate you taking the time to read and post. I have been finding these boards very helpful since I found them. Just being able to read and see other people are going through the same or similiar things makes me feel comfort in knowing I am not alone. Not that I wish these feelings apon anyone at all. I most recently found out, that I have a few close (in the bloodline) family members who have been undergoing treatment for other mental health issues for sometime now. I had no recollection of this prior to a couple of days ago. I have read before that mental illness can be hereditary. I am curious to know if this could be an adding factor in why I have been so mentally self sabotaging towards myself.

[JustTrying]

Good choice on not taking the meds... ativan was it???? Hang in there.... getting real help can take a while... I do not have insurance and it is a pain ... but yep sounds like PTSD ( course I am not a Doc)

Glad your Hubs is by your side....

Gabby

[mrsdz]

Thanks and yes Ativan it was. My husband has been a very good support since I have been open about everything. Sorry to hear about not having insurance, Are you seeking treatment?

[Proverbs31:28]

I am glad you seem to be a little more aware and more accepting of what is going on with you. I know exactly what you mean about your response to sights and sounds associated with the accident. I was in a bad accident in 1997. Not my fault. As I was exiting the interstate to my office, a large truck ran a red light and broadsided me. It ripped the front end off of the company car I was driving. I did not even realize I had been hit- I thought the car exploded! Anyway, for more than a year after that, I could not take that exit- I would go to the next exit and take another street (out of my way) back to the office. And, like you, I would hear the sounds of crunching metal. If I heard sirens or saw ambulances or polic cars, I would freak out! I did continue to drive, because I had to, but I did so in fear for a long time! So, I hope you see you are not alone in this and it does happen to others. Oddly, I did get past this without therapy BUT, I am now treating for PTSD symptoms associated with my son's long history of health problems. I panic and have flashbacks every time he coughs or has an asthma attack because I came so close to losiing him a couple of times. Even though he is the healthiest he has ever been, thanks to 3 heart surgeries, I can't let go of it. I had no clue this could even cause PTSD and was shocked when my T and doc told me thats what it was! Keep talking, friend, and we are happy to listen.

[Mark]

mrsdz,

That was not the way that your ER experience was supposed to go. They treated you quite badly I think. The reason (which is in no way an excuse) is that ER doctors are not psychiatrists and often do not have any training in psychiatry. They deal with physical injuries and illnesses and if they cannot see an obvious problem, my sense is that they will often minimize the possibility that a real problem exists. Anxiety is of course, invisible or masked by the heightened emotion that all patients waiting in an ER will generally have. What should have happened is a psych consult or referral.

Given that this issue appears to be (and I stress - appears to be - we don't know for certain what it is) anxiety related (as in the sense of PTSD), your best bet would be to find a psychiatrist for a diagnosis.

There are medications that can help with the anxiety and with the sleep problems that often accompany anxiety. But these need to be prescribed and monitored by a doctor. It is not a good idea to take someone else's pills. Stuff like Ativan is addictive and needs to be handled with care. If a doctor prescribes it for you, it's okay to take it as prescribed, but even then you need to know that your body will build up a dependence and tolerance on Atavan (which is a benzodaizapine - having a similar effect to alcohol) and over time if you take it a lot you will need more of it to have the same effect and may likely experience great difficulty coming off it. SSRI and SNRI antidepressants are also prescribed for anxiety probelms. They are less actively addicting (although some people have difficulty coming off some SSRIs) and do take several weeks to provide their effect.

The best treatments for PTSD available today - the treatments which help get rid of the anxiety reaction for good - are psychotherapy treatments. Prolonged Exposure Therapy (as described by Dr. Edna Foa here) is what is recommeneded for this sort of PTSD. Basically, the therapy involves telling and retelling the trauma story until you don't wince anymore. Not sure if your insurance will cover this sort of thing or exactly where to send you to find it, but this is likely to be helpful if what you have is indeed PTSD. If it's not PTSD, than all bets are off.

Mark

[Catmom]

A friend of the family is a bone doctor. He advised a relative of mine, after hearing what is going on with me to give me some of her ativan until I can be seen.

I am a healthcare professional (RN) and I cannot tell you how angry this "bone doctor" makes me. First, he is essentially telling you to commit a felony, i.e using a prescription medication that has not been prescribed for you. Secondly, if he thinks this is the right med, why doesn't he talk to you and prescribe something? I strongly suspect it is because Ativan and the like are controlled substances and docs are closely monitored on their prescribing practices by the DEA.

It's too bad that it was up to you, the suffering person, to be the one who had any kind of sense in this case. :mad: Good choice on not borrowing a med!

My recommendation would be to keep working on getting your own legitimate psychiatrist and psychotherapist to help you. It will take some time but once you get it set up, you can start getting the help you really need.

By the way, the poster named "Skysoldier" is NOT your friend but a spammer trying to get people to buy meds off the internet. His/Her posts have been deleted.

Please keep us up to date on how you are doing, mrsdz. There are many here who care about what happens to you (and have no ulterior motives).

Catmom

[mrsdz]

Lifeless, I'm glad to see you recovered from the accident. I feel for you with your son. That must be an extremely tough thing to deal with. I also have kids. A couple of months ago my daughter got sick she woke me and my husband up to tell us, my husband jumped right up to take her to the ER. My daughter passed out on the floor on the way out the door. She has since been undergoing many tests to see the cause of this. I hate to let her out of my sight, this was the second time it had happened.

Mark, The ER did after many hours, send down someone from the psych floor. The woman was very nice and asked some questions. She was very refreshing after dealing with the others. She gave me a referral for a clinic, I'm scheduled for an intake and to speak with a psychiatrist in about a week.

Catmom, :eek: Thanks for the heads up on Sky. I have never once taken anything that wasn't prescribed to me, heck I never finish a majority of the things prescribed to me unless it is for an infection. One of the reasons I didn't seek help before other than being embarrassed or being labeled. Is that I do not like taking medications at all. I came to understand(should of sooner) that I am not able to do it alone. If that means being labeled or having to take meds, that has got to be better than how I currently am. I never looked at the doctor saying to take those meds in the way you put it.

"It's too bad that it was up to you, the suffering person, to be the one who had any kind of sense in this case" Thanks for the insight.

[Catmom]

Thanks for the update, mrsdz. Good luck on your upcoming appointment with a psychiatrist. Hopefully, this will be your first step on a path that brings you to a better place in your life.

Catmom

[faithfulfollower]

Some of the symptoms you described are very common with OCD disorder, I have OCD and experience some of the same symptoms you describe. Sometime a traumatic experience can cause OCD to surface, although you could very well be suffering from Post traumatic stress disorder. It may help if you do some research on the internet and look up some of the symptoms that you may be feeling. There are lots of OCD websites and lots of information on Post traumatic stress disorder also. I hope that you will be able to get some relief, I can understand how you feel, and hope that you will feel better soon.

[mrsdz]

Hello Faithfulfllower,

It very well may be. Some of the symptoms I have are found in many disorders that I have looked up. As far as the OCD, I have wondered myself if that is what it is. Even though, I do not have all of the symptoms, I do have quite a few of the symptoms. I was speaking to my husbands relative when I had mentioned the fact that I "snap" if my morning routine is interfered with. I wake up, brew the coffee, use the rest room, come back and make my cup, if someone moves something I am using, or is in my way, I become a mad woman. When saying that, this relative began to quiz me on certain things. My answer was yes to all. She said it sounded like OCD.

I am very interested in what you said about a traumatic event can surface OCD. Is this a fact? I have never read that before. I will have to do some more reading up. Thank you for the information. It is nice to hear from people who know just how I am feeling.

[mrsdz]

I had an appointment for a psychiatrist today at a private practice. Let me start by saying this is a far better experience I had than at the clinic (not saying that stands for all). The officer workers were pleasant and kind. The psychiatrist himself was very easy to talk to. I orignally walked in all piped up as I normally do. I found myself very easily laying it all on the line with him. After an hour or so of him asking me some questions and me jabbing at the jaws I received an official diagnosis and medication. I was told I have Major depression, panic disorder, ptsd and mild ocd. Surprisingly, I am very happy, despite I had more wrong with me that I initially thought. I feel a sense of relief actually knowing and being able to do research on this.

I owe this website, staff and members a big thanks. The forum and feedback I feel has given me more of a push to go through with the biggest step I feel, which is seeking help. Thank you!

[Mark]

Yay!!!!! I'm so glad that you've had a good experience, and most of all that you are feeling more settled. You are still in the woods, but it can feel great to finally have a sense of what you are dealing with and a plan for helping to reduce the problem.

[red_skys]

Well done on finally seeing someone and getting an official diagnosis. That alone makes you feel better, its a real condition, not just your imagination.

The reason I am replying is that I have suffered from PTSD.

My second son was born under traumatic circumstances and I was told by my Doctor that he had no idea how I was still alive. Because I had given birth (by emergency C section, I still can't fit that in with 'giving birth') to my son and we did make it through everyone just assumed that I would be fine.

People would say 'well, atleast you have your son', and that made me feel worse and ashamed that I had these feelings (and nightmares and flashbacks and fears) so I hid them. Every day was a struggle with myself to make myself stop thinking 'what if', what if I had been at home, what if I had made the doctors listen...what if, what if, what if I had died, what about my other son?

People think that you should just be happy to be here, and you are, but still being alive does not make what you went through any less traumatic.

I hid it when he was 8 months old and I was told that he had brain damage, I probably hid it better at that point because it was a fight day to day to find out what was worng with my son, how badly he was affected, trying to keep that happy face on all the time and then finally when he was a year old it all came out. I started crying on a bus becuase these thoughts would not stop and I could not think of anything else.

I finally got help and talked everything through, every single detail (and by gosh how you remember those details!). Luckily I did have a better experience with getting help (I'm in the UK so it works differntly). My husbands family did not understand and did not help a single bit, they were talking behind my back saying that I had depression or post natal depression. PTSD is very different from depression and very misunderstood by people. With PTSD you can be happy to be alive and consumed with horrible thoughts at the same time.

My son is now 3 and a half and I can say that I only have 'bad thoughts' of what happened maybe once or twice a week, BUT I can control them and I can stop them. I can say to myself to stop thinking about it and it works. His birthday is hard, I have to hide all the clocks or I start to think 'at this time I was here, at this time this happened'. I don't blame myself for what happened anymore, well not often. I cant have any more children as it is just too great a risk but even if I could (and we did have a pregnancy scare) the thought of being pregnant terrifies me. I cant go for a smear teast as it reminds me of what happened, but I am working upto it. So far I have got into the Doctors surgery!

Its baby steps, but you DO get there and suddenly the PTSD is a small part of your life and no more than that. It stops controlling you and you start to beat it. Best of luck in your fight.

[Guest ASchwartz]

Hi red_skys,

You really have been through a traumatic experience.

People just do not know and, when they speak, they do not realize that they are causing harm. Well, we cannot stop other people from "flapping their mouths" but we can learn to shrug it off. It seems to me that you are learning to shrug their dumb comments off.

It must be a daily struggle for you to cope with your son and your feelings must be very complicated

Allan

[mrsdz]

I too had birth issues with my kids. My first daughter was premature by 2 months, originally when I was 6 mos pregnant they had tried to stop the birth for a month. The night before they took my husband aside and told him they can not hold off any longer as my health was failing, that they had to take the chance it was me or the unborn child.

With my 2nd child, during the first 2 weeks after delivering him I began to get sick. I had a high fever (I thought it was the flu) then developed terrible pains in my stomach. I ended up at the ER and found out that a piece of placenta was left inside of me, which was making me sick, organs were sucking up the toxins causing me pain.

On my 3rd child, complications sent me into being preped for an emergency c-section. I turned to the doctor and told him not to if it wasn't needed. I was at the hospital at this time waiting on my husband, scared, and not knowing what was going onI then pushed for many hours finally my baby boy came. Afterwards a nurse said you and your son had an anjel on your shoulder. I asked why she said that, she replied that the ambilical cord was half the size it should of been and broke inside me. I too was was dealing with the what ifs from the birth as now my son is 8 years old and has speech problems, I think was it because of the birth?

I have over the years been getting better in the terms of flashbacks, nightmares, replaying conversations. I do feel a ton better than I was when I originally made this post due to medications. I have pulled myself out before but went right back into it. I'm hoping this time is the definet road towards recovery.

I feel for you and your child with all you went through. It is a hard battle mentally. I think we (PTSD sufferers) can pull through it. Some taking longer than others. I'm glad to hear you say you know now it is not your fault. Because it isn't. Some of us are given more obsticals to overcome than others, it only can make us stronger once we walk out of the darkness.

Thanks for responding with your own experience. I wish you and your family the best. Oh by the way my in laws make their comments too but f them. They are only synical blinded people uneducated in with mental health disorders since they probably never experienced it, as I once was.