rules and role playing in relationships

[nathan]

I started visiting my grandmother becuase I decided I needed to start talking to people.

But I feel like a can't be myself with her becuase I'm a "nice" grandson. Therefore I am limited to "nice". That crap is imprisoning. I have to follow some percieved rules of what it means to be nice.

I used to have a similar problem with adults, I used to give them some kind of unconditional authority over me, I am sure this happens to everyone.

That same sort of concept applies to all kinds of relationships. Like husband and wife, brother or sister, w/e.

So many connotations and ideas to these roles that we are forced into playing.

I think this is really why I spend most my time alone, because, there are no roles, it is freedome. Of course it's also lonely, and basically gets you nowhere in society, and inevitably gets you depressed.

So, to what extent do you have to "follow" these roles in order to maintain these relationships? Also, how do you not loose yourself in these roles? The roles seem to insideously manifest through me whenever I engage in a relationship. And then suddenly I realize how trapped I am in this role and I need to get the f*** out fast.

On the other hand, if I stay very consious of the roles as means of avoiding them, relationships dwindle, people get scared, especially with women who expect to have power (by virtue of their percieved role) over me, like my mother, or a female boss, my grandmother, or my probation officer who is female.

So is whats the balance? I hate roles. But they are obviously part of our psych.

[Guest ASchwartz]

Hi Nathan,

Real relationships and friendships rest on the fact that we show niceness sometimes, anger at other times and disagreement at others. You need to reduce the amount of your niceness and allow yourself to show some anger when you feel it. Showing anger means putting it into words, and, without shouting and yelling.

What do you think?

Allan

[nathan]

Maybe I'm just not showing my anger in a constructive way... maybe i'm not verbalizing it enough like you suggest to do. thanks for the advice.