Confused

[Centillion]

Hi

As I mentioned in my previous post I have an another account here, which is 'Booyakasha'. My explanations may differ from my previous statements, but that will be due to the psychoteraphy I have been given over the last few months.

This is a long story - I hope someone have time to read it through. Thanks in advance.

I have some issues with sexuality. As far as I know, I have never been molested. I have neither been kicked or beaten, but I have seen stuff I should not have - Nothing related to sex though according to my motherr. I have read though that trauma can lead to many kinds of problems (including sexual dysfunctionaltiy)

The "funny" thing is, that I was bullied at grade school. It started in 8th and lasted the last 2 years of my school time. Some of my school mates claimed, that I had been abused by my father. Oh well. They didn't even claim it - They were certain about it. I was like a big question mark from 8th grade, because I didn't know why I had to hear all that bullshit from them. Why did they hate so much? All the thoughts were spinning around in my head, like an overloaded computer.

Maybe the bullying was because of my apparant social anxiety or PSTM (which I recently realized i have). Maybe I looked too much at the girls. Or maybe a combination of all of it.

Recently I have been speaking to my mum about the fact that I got bullied (which was 2-3 years ago). Hearing her confirming the fact, that I have never been molested, and that my early, in my opinion kind of weird sexual acts were all normal, reliefed a bit of my social anxiety, but still bolds out the sexual shame I carry as well as my shyness for the other sex, which is what I find attractive.

Examples of weird sexual acts could be something like these: (I hope they are not too graphic - Otherwise tell me)

* I feel like women and I mean all women feel that I stare at their body parts - Everytime I'm near to someone (especially here in the summer months), I feel like they cover their breasts, legs and buttom. It doesn't mean that I am sexual attracted to them at all, why I find it really strange.

* Whenever I see an attractive girl I can't stop thinking about her and I get extremely imaginary, you know.. I know this thing might sound normal, but it's all the time. I would really like to be able to think - "Hey, that's a cute looking girl" without having to go into Dreamland every single time they walk by..

* I know this guy who wanted me to fix his computer, and I was like yeah fine, thinking about his cute 15 year old daughter and that he must have some holiday pictures - A thought I didn't want to have, but I got it either way. Mind you I'm not into girls much younger than that, but I still may be classified as pedophile.. :-(

FYI I'm 20 at this moment.

Examples of my early weird sexual acts are:

* I remember playing a sexual game with my cousin in her room - I don't recall when it was, but I think I must have been around 8.

* I revealed my genitals my first school day

* I have been looking quite a bit at my younger sister - Though I don't anymore.

My mum thinks all these cases are normal in a childs' curiousity of the body, but I find them abnormally and think that I'm the only one having such experiences in his "history book".

Thanks for reading my post - I hope you will be able to give me some input. Anything will be useful, really. Whether it's books, documentaries, support groups.. I just hope to become normal someday, but it might be too much to ask.

If you have any questions for my posts, please do not hestitate to ask. Thank you.

[Guy Out There]

Hi Centillion,

Firstly let me start by saying "Your not a paedophile!!!", get that thought out of your head as soon as possible because your making yourself paranoid.

Your mum is right, alot of the 'weird sexual acts' you describe are actually not that weird and are common. Your early acts are most likley down to 'being a kid' and experimenting as most kids of that age (Nothing unusual!!)

You shouldn't be worried at all as most of these feelings are completly normal for someone of your age and will gradually decrease with time as you get older.

If your still worried feel free to share your thoughts here, we won't judge (I speak for myself at least and most other members i imagine!)

I hope i have been of some help,

Take Care, Jack

[Centillion]

Hi Guy Out There

Thanks for your fine reply!

Getting the fact that I'm not a paedophile (is that how you spell it??) confirmed, relieved a great deal of my anxiety about what people might think of me.

As I mentioned in my previous post though, I'm wondering why I have a tendency to get stressed and feel anxious around pretty much anyone of the other sex - Especially now that it's summer, and women and girls aren't hiding their skin as good as they do in the winther months.

It's like I'm afraid of them looking at me like a potentiel rapist even though, I could never do a such thing.

Could my school bullying as also mentioned in my previous post have the same cause/origins? Did my "friends" think I was too sex fixated?

Those thoughts are spinning around in my head; although I have got a great deal of stress and anxiety relief by now.

Cognitively my thoughts could probably be considered a mental filter and as a labeling/mislabeling - I don't know what to do about it though - This may just be how I am?

Thanks for reading my post - I hope someone can give me tips or enlighten my harsh case.

[Centillion]

Hi sedsed

Thanks for your reply.

You are right about the fact that I never touched my sister. I may have brushed her breasts a single time or two, but I don't really consider that "touching" .

I'm glad you find my spectacular case fairly normal. It's like it relieves some of my anxiety everytime someone confirms it.

How about the other stuff I mentioned? I was wondering if a guy would make a comment about my behaviour as well :-)

Don't get me wrong sedsed - I really appreciate your insight/reply!

One more thing that I've noticed the last few days, is that everytime a woman smile at me I see it as sort of a randomness, a mercy smile or a "I'm going to vomit - smile"

This thing sure has a lot to do with my low self esteem.

Thanks again..

[Symora]

Hi Centillion,

I agree with the others that what you've described sounds pretty normal to me. The key part to me is that they are mostly thoughts, and people have all sorts of thoughts, and men have lots of thoughts about sex and women from what I hear , I've even heard they think about sex every few minutes but that is to be confirmed by the guys I guess If your actions are moral and acceptable, then there is no problem in my opinion.

Self-esteem is something you can work on, have you considered getting the help of a therapist to understand your inner dynamics better? It sounds like you question yourself a lot and that is something you could work on becoming more confident about....