This is new to me

[angelsoverme]

I am 34-years-old and I have been cutting and burning for over 10 years. I can still remember my first time cutting. I will never forget the emotions that lead to me doing so. And after that moment it became a part of me.

I am a college graduate and I am currently working on my masters. I say this because I thought at this point in my life that this would no longer be a part of me.

I am not as bad as I used to be, but I still have incidents when I cut. I used to cut a lot often then now. It has always been a subject that I avoid with anyone because there is an automatic thought that you have to be "crazy" do such a thing to yourself. Some of my family found out by my ex-husband being nasty and "outing" me in a sense. The few close friends I have really don't know anything about this. I just don't feel comfortable talking about it to them. Judgement issues.

I know how I have been treated when I have revealed my cutting to others in the past. I always thought that I was alone until I viewed a Lifetime movie some years ago. I was relieved to find that I was not the only person. I thought that I was crazy. Honestly, I thought that I must be the sickest person in the world to harm my own body. That is a scary thought to carry around everyday.

Now I wear my scars and when people notice them, I automatically go into defense mode and give them some reasoning behind them. It is not that I mean to lie, but I know how thoughts will go through their minds about me. So it is my secret to many. The few that do know, they don't bring it up, unless they see something new and then sometimes they still don't.

It's is amazing how when I was younger how I could hide my scars from the world. But it is never easy for me to talk about it. I know that is not the way to deal with stress, problems, and emotions. But it has always gave me a sense of peace. And people don't understand that.

I am just glad that there is a place that I can come to where people understand and can relate.

Thank you for just listening to my story.

[Natalie]

Hi Angelsoverme-

Welcome to the community and thanks for your post.

You are certainly not alone and obviously not the only one that has engaged in cutting (as you can tell by the posts here).

What sorts of strategies have you used in the past to stop cutting?

Have you ever been in psychotherapy?

[mscat]

Hi there and welcome to the fourm. I am older too, and have had Issues with self injury since 16 yrs. old. I am near 40. you are not alone one bit with the struggles and chalenges of SI. Your not crazy either.

I believe it does become more complicated when older though. Because their are much more at stake and SI can esclate into further self harm or destructive behaviors in life. i find that it is a personal experience and not one person is the same with it.

I have scars all over both of my arms. the SI that i've done does not look self inflicted. Nobody guesses that. oNly people who know me well know the truth. I have burn scars, and even severe scars. Because have gone very far with the self injury myself. I have tattoo's now, so people willlook at those instead of all the burn scars.