Goodbye [Trigger!!]

[Guy Out There]

Don't read if you are in a fragile state of mind or are easily triggered. Click off this page now and don't view this page again.

Today i realized after reading an article on mental health that several 'defects' in my life were actually symptoms of other mental illnesses (combined with what i already have form a few other disorders and problems).

I can barely cope with the fact i suffered PTSD then being diagnosed with bipolar disorder and left to 'COPE AS BEST AS YOU CAN' for 3 or 4 weeks until i can get treatment!!!

I can't last 3 or 4 weeks, it's 2 weeks until i see a specialist to discuss my 'mental health needs' what my mental health needs is a f.#@*ng brain transplant.

I just can't take it, i can't leave the house i can't call people, my flimsy social life has now completly gone and i'm left with having to let people down, my work life (working for myself after quitting my other job) is suffering, i can't even call the people i need to so then they get pi**ed off and i don't make any money.

I don't want to go back to the doctor, i went to see him 3 times in 2 weeks asking for support and telling him my symptoms had got worse and asking for some treatment but he refused saying he didn't want to 'contradict' the specialists treatment, CONTRADICT!!!! I'm not even having any bloody treatment, how can you contradict something i'm not even getting..

This is getting out of control now, really. I just can't take it, i can't go to any hospital, emergency room or whatever else your supposed to do, dial the emergency services (999,911 etc), i can't face it, sure i'm feeling really suicidal and serious this time but there are people out there dying who deserve to live and if i call the ambulance and medics away people will die for the sake of me living. I can't let that happen.

So the point of this really long rant is to say goodbye to you all, thank you for all the support over my time here, you've helped me through some tough times and given me a place to share my problems and most importantly have people listen. I'm not simply leaving the forums, i'm leaving this world for the reasons i have stated, i have no choice, no other options and the less i think about it the better.

Who thinks twice about escaping from prison? Likewise for those who are a prison in their own mind (me) who thinks twice about suicide.

Goodbye and thanks for the ride.

[Calla]

I wish I had some good words to say to you. I'm sorry things are so bad. Please don't go....I still can't blog...I need you here

And you introduced me to the book I am hoping will change my life. You deserve to live as much as anyone else. I would never have known about it if you hadnt been here.

As someone said suicide is normally the search for a feeling of relief. But that;s not the way, you need to be alive to feel anything. Can we help you to keep going until treatment?

[Calla]

And after blogging is multi quotes....then adding links....the list goes on!!

[Guy Out There]

Hi guys,

I really am so angry with myself right now, there is so much wrong with me and i'm making others suffer.

I plan to give it until tomorrow, see if i can find it within me to visit my doctor sometime tomorrow and then beg him to give me some treatment or throw me into care where i can't hurt myself.

Thank you both for caring and being so supportive, i really appreciate it.

[Calla]

Who do you think suffers because of you?

If you need a distraction until tomorrow, write "the idiots guide to using this forum" for me!! Sub chapter...blogging, mulit quoting etc.

Seriously though I think that is a good idea. Give it some time. Get a good nights sleep hopefully. And tomorrow is a whole new day. Maybe the sun will shine for a change...you can't miss that rare sight!

I hope you are ok.

[Guest ASchwartz]

Hello Guyoutthere,

You are not causing us to suffer. We are here to be supportive, encouraging and advising. Here, as everywhere on earth, there are some people who are very positive and empathetic and there are others who, because of their own problems, are not that way.

We are here for you. Yes, see the doctor.

Allan

[Endlessnight]

Hello Guy. I'm sorry you are having such a hard time of it lately. I can see how frustrating it can be when you are reaching out for help but it seems like no one will help you. I know what a caring, kind person you are; your post on my blog attests to that, and so I want to say please don't leave us. Hang in there, I am hoping things will get better for you. Take care.

[spiritual_emergency]

Hello Guy,

I'm going to take my response in a bit of different direction and share something with you. I don't know if it will be helpful to you or not but you can decide. I often share this information with the "schizophrenics" I speak with but the information is all quite transferable. Here you go...

Support Teams and Support Toolboxes:

Support Teams are comprised of people you find helpful and should include: Professionals; Family and Friends; Peers, and; Mentors. Each member of your team can address unique needs.

• Professionals provide medical and psychotherapeutic care and may include psychiatrists, psychologists, counselors, social workers, therapists, general practioners, nurses, nutritionists, massage therapists, etc.

• Family and Friends provide connection, meaning, purpose and are often in a unique position to provide vital feedback. For example, if you are taking a new medication your family will be very much aware if it is working for you. Or if you are beginning to slip into a depressive, manic or psychotic episode, they may well become aware of it before you do.

• Peers are especially important because, in my experience, they can often provide the best forms of emotional support and understanding -- they have been there; they have walked in your shoes; they know what it's like. Many people look to their family and friends to offer peer support but these people may lack the insight that shared experience can offer. They can also be so intimately involved and deeply impacted by your experience that they lack the ability to provide impartial support and may, in fact, require their own support team. The latter will be especially true for those who are in a position of primary caretaker.

• Mentors serve in a unique capacity because these are the people who inspire you to reach for your best. Mentors can be drawn from any other area of your support team (i.e. a family member can be a mentor) but more likely, they will be drawn from the larger world around you. It's not necessary that any chosen mentors also carry a diagnosis of any kind of mental illness; rather, they simply need to have been another human being who faced some enormous challenges and either overcame them or turned them to his/her advantage. If your support team does not have at least a few mentors on it, your team is lacking. One point worth emphasizing is that Mentors must be self-chosen. It's also worth noting that they needn't be alive; some of my mentors have included Helen Keller, Viktor Frankl and my own mother -- all of whom are dead.

~*~

Support Toolboxes are made up of things you (and members of your Support Team) recognize as beneficial and helpful. Support toolboxes can be quite unique because what we find helpful on an individual basis may vary considerably. They may include things such as education, exercise, medication, meditation, music, nutritional therapies, spiritual practices, personal journalling, etc.

A strong Support Team and a well-equipped Support Toolbox greatly increases the odds that if you're floundering in any capacity, you'll be able to find the person or thing that is most going to help take you forward. So, choose your team wisely and outfit your toolbox with care.

Source: Support Teams and Toolboxes

Part of the reason I chose to share that with you is because right now, you're frustrated about not getting in to see the doctor as quickly as you'd like. I can sympathize -- I once spent eight months on a doctor's waiting list. Still, if you look at the entirety of a Support Team, the doctor plays only a very small role on it. He's just one person out of the many who can help you move forward.

You do always have the option of going to an emergency department to see a doctor and I would certainly encourage you to do that before you consider other options. Meantime, while you're waiting to see that doctor, maybe you could devote some of that waiting time to fleshing out the other members of your Support Team, many of whom are every bit as important as the doctor, some of them even more so.

You can also start filling up your Support Toolbox with the things you find personally helpful. I get a kick out of those because there's so much diversity in terms of what people put into their own toolbox. I had to have music in mine, the internet, books, time alone, adequate rest, the opportunity to be out in nature, tonglen practice. Those were all essential to me and all of them served some therapeutic purpose. Other people choose other things, each of them according to who they are and what they find helpful.

One thing I did notice in your initial posting is that your sense of frustration was coming through very clearly. I got the impression that it was almost reving up to a higher and higher speed and maybe, this was creating some anxiety for you. One thing that might help you is to learn some techniques for self-calming so if you get stuck waiting again and feeling like no one who should care does care, you'll have a tool you can put to use for you.

Here's one link that might have some ideas for you. If you find it helpful (you might not) you can tuck the skills away and pull them out again at some future point if you need them.

Anyway, just a different train of thought for you to consider.

~ Namaste

[Guy Out There]

Hi all, thanks for your kind messages and advice, Spiritual_Emergency i like the support team and toolbox idea

I was very frustrated yesterday mainly because i realized my life was slipping down a big slope, i've started to socially withdraw which was one fo the signs i got shortly after my PTSD which led to a further breakdown and worse things... It doesn't help that my family want nothing to do with me (They do but they don't accept i have mental health issues past or present).

I'm still frustrated today but not as much and while i'm still considering 'the other option', it seems less urgent, the trouble i've been a support for so many people to lean on before, they've told me their deepest troubles and i've comforted them and helped them, then they all seemed to drift away and i'm left with nobody to lean on myself.

I had a weird manic phase today where i tried to break my neck (was very delusional), i guess i should go to an emergency room but they would lock me away in a 'crisis room' to stop me harming myself.

The paranoia about being locked up has always been with me since i went into hospital (psychiactric) last time, i was so scared afterwards i studied escapology (breaking out of locks, straight jackets, bounds and straps etc), even going so far as to obtain plans of my nearest psychiactric hospital and plan a possible escape stratergy.

(he he he, the more i think about it, the more it makes me sound like 007!)

Take Care guys, thanks for your support

[Guy Out There]

It angers me alot to think what our health care system has become. For the physically disabled they are given care and support, special homes to stay in where they are looked after, if anyone were to strap a disabled man to a table in leather restraints and administer electro shock therapy while he was screaming in pain there would be outrage, the people who did it would be in such trouble. For a person feeling very low and who has just attempted suicide, who is also scared and delusional to strap him to a table in arm and leg restraints, humiliate him by forcefully stripping him down to his underwear and dragging him down public corridors in such condition, then administering electro shock therapy against his will while he is screaming in pain (trust me it hurts)...not to mention the verbal abuse you get from the overworked, underpaid, tired staff. I have sympathy for them, it is not there fault the way they have to do their jobs.

It's a wonder there isn't human rights to protect people from such torture? As you pointed out, no wonder people refuse to go to the hospitals for treatment.

It actually quite upset me writing that but feels good to let it out (first time i've ever told anyone about that 'grey area' of my life.)

Edit: I should point out that during my short stay in the hospital many years ago when this occured i was in a state of panic and attempted multiple 'escapes', the decision to apply limb restraints was made by the medical staff. After i escaped from the softer set of restraints the leather restraints were used. I hope this doesn't put anyone off from going to a hospital if needed, the electro shock therapy is no longer used (rarely) without consent of you, furthermore there are other parts to the story that i haven't detailed here for reason i don't want them public, don't take this as a legal or ethical argument or protest, it's just one mans bad experience.

[Guy Out There]

I'm sorry about your friend's experiences and passing, why is it doctors are so interested in passing the blame these days.

I was curious what actually happened to you but didn’t want to pry, but I was hoping you would tell us more.

I really don't mind sharing my stories with you if you are genuinly interested, just send me a PM and ask any questions you want, i'm comfortable with sharing my stories i'm just uncomfortable about sharing them in public...