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Loss of support


Sweetsara
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Hi there, I'm so sorry you are having such a rough time. Has your friend actually gone away somewhere for a break? How long is that for? I wouldn't blame yourself at all. I would be more inclined to thing your friend is probably glad to have someone so close and actually by helping you it probably gives her a boost...thats just my experience anyway.

That sounds very unfair of your husband, especially as you have always been open about it. Can I ask what it is about children that you don't want to be near them?

I'm sorry you feel so lost. I know it's not quite the same but you can talk to everyone here as much as you like.

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Sweetsara: 5 years ago I lost the love of my life, our 2 children and my MIL to a drunk driver.

Some pains strike deeper than others. That's a deep vein you have there. It's quite understandable to me why you'd take care to disturb it as little as possible.

I just feel like I've lost the two closest people in my life and I'm scared and just lost.

New losses or the fear of new losses can stir up old grief as well.

When I have a big problem I find it feels more manageable if I can break it down into smaller bites. Right now, your most pressing problems are the situation with your friend and the situation with your husband. Your friend has her husband and her own professional caregivers to draw support from. You can and will be there for her but she needs to focus inwardly for awhile while you will probably benefit most from focusing on what's happening in the immediacy of your own life.

My husband has told me I have until our anniversary which is october 11th to decide on kids or he wants a divorce.

Sometimes people issue ultimatums when they're feeling frightened and desperate. Nonetheless, he's given you a time frame -- this isn't a decision you have to make today or tomorrow, or even next week.

My husband and I have been fighting nonstop for the last several days.

It sounds as if your husband is in a different stage of healing than you are and ultimately, that's what this fight is about. He's trying to bring you over to his side and you're insisting that you are not capable of going there. If you can do so, it may be best to call a time-out. Can the two of you agree to set the argument aside so you can each regroup and collect your thoughts?

You noted that you and your husband both attend a grief support group together. Is this the kind of issue you can attempt to work through with their help? No doubt, it's the sort of thing that's come up for other people. If not a support group, what about a private marital or grief therapist?

That might be a logical next step. While you're waiting to get there, it might also be helpful to focus on simply being kind to each other and to yourselves.

My condolences on your losses, Sweetsara. And no, it's not a petty problem.

~ Namaste

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