warning Trigger please don't read if this will effect you

[useless]

I don't no were to begin I'm really sorry but I don't know how to deal with the way I'm feeling I'm self harming and I feel better when I do it I harm where no one can see it which is quite limted I cut and I get a rush of seeing all the blood after iv done it I feel great then half hour later I look at the damage and I think to myself that dosnt look bad enough and I need to do it again the more damage I do the better I feel at the moment i'm really stuggleing to keep away from my arms my arms scream at me but i know if I do this this is the end of the line for me iv just being put on cilrapram 20mg and it seems to be increasing my thoughts any advice would be nice sorry for being a burden

[mscat]

I don't no were to begin I'm really sorry but I don't know how to deal with the way I'm feeling I'm self harming and I feel better when I do it I harm where no one can see it which is quite limted I cut and I get a rush of seeing all the blood after iv done it I feel great then half hour later I look at the damage and I think to myself that dosnt look bad enough and I need to do it again the more damage I do the better I feel at the moment i'm really stuggleing to keep away from my arms my arms scream at me but i know if I do this this is the end of the line for me iv just being put on cilrapram 20mg and it seems to be increasing my thoughts any advice would be nice sorry for being a burden

Hi there,

Before you self harm , can you idenify the feelings you have ? Something is going on inside of you that is wanting you to "feel better " and taking it out on yourself has developed into a self soothing pattern. This is why some people find that self injury can become addicting, and may seem to melt all your problems away even if it is just for the moment. After the moment is gone the feelings are still there , so it is easier to cut again.

Are you in therapy? Talking about your thoughts and feelings with a professional can help you get it out in the opening in a safe way. Is their a part of you that thinks you deserve pain and to be hurt?

What do you mean that it is the end of the line? If the medication is doing more harm than good then you need to tell your Dr.

[useless]

Yes I'm in theropy but I can't seem to open up I'm terrifed i open up a little then I get scared I know I need to be up front about what as happed in the past but when I do open up a little I feel I will get people in to trouble when I cut I feel I can deal with things I feel imam evil and a bad

[mscat]

Do you feel like you somehow deserve to be punished because you think that you are evil or bad?

Also, in your past , people were not treating you well .... Your afraid to say anything about it because it could others into trouble. However, if their are people in your life that are hurting you or have hurt you , then this must be a very scary thing . Keeping this all inside must be a huge burden. What about you? Nobody has the right to hurt you .

Now that things have happened to you , the cutting has become a way to punish yourself , just like what has happened to you in the past by others ? It is the only way you know how to self soothe , despite the fact that it is very self destructive and dangerous behavior.

Does your therapist know that you self harm? Have you been able to talk about it at all? If so what kind of advice has been given about it?

[useless]

yes i need to feel bad about myself that's all i have ever known i feel like a dustbin which cant be emptied so i try to empty myself through cutting my therapist knows im cutting and suggested go in to hospital i said no due to the fact im not allowed i wont go into that im in a really dark place and i cant stop the urges i cant express myself verbally cause i just get shouted at and blamed for everything

[mscat]

Getting shouted at and blamed for everything only further makes you probably want to SI. I am unsure as to why your unable to go to the Hospital? Gives you a break and at least out of this toxic enviroment. Maybe it is something to consider. But, do not know if you are at age to decide this yourself. Therapists can place thier clients in a hospital if the person is in danger of hurting themselves or others.

I am glad that your able to come here and express your feelings. I've done a lot of severe self harming myself in the past , so I feel that I can really understand what this is really like.

I will try and support you and how you feel as much as I can.

[useless]

im 35 years of age i try and hold off from cutting but the more i hold off the worse the feelings get and i continually cutting in the same place all the time which im not getting the full effect if you know what i mean i need a fresh place to do it

[mscat]

im 35 years of age i try and hold off from cutting but the more i hold off the worse the feelings get and i continually cutting in the same place all the time which im not getting the full effect if you know what i mean i need a fresh place to do it

Yes, I do know what you mean. Personally, I have not SI'ed for a while , however have perm. damage from it. Not to mention the scars.... the scars being so bad that they do not look that they were self inflicted.

It is very hard to know that the build up is happening and will not stop until Their is relief by self harming. I have experienced this many times myself. I think that is why Self Harm is thought of as a addiction. It has all the same qualities .

[useless]

Well things arnt going great at the moment I have now turned on myself by hitting myself really bad plus I'm still cutting I can not control it no more the more I hit myself the more I can't stop I use a hard object and I get so much pleasure from it iv seen my cpn and she is getting me appointment to see my doctor but I don't no what she can do after a few hours later I feel sick just thinking about it but I still go and do it

[mscat]

I am very glad that you are going to see your doctor. You probably do not want to hear this, I never do, However I am going to say this to you anyway. You do not deserve this! What your doing to yourself. I completely understand how difficult it is to stop after doing so many times. It is a coping mechinism , and once the pattern is set it is like a drug. Extremely intoxicating , and addicting.

Now that i have not Si'ed several months it has become a little easier not to, however as soon as I have been alone , all these old feelings creeped up. OMG, the things I've done have left perm. damage , and it has been to the extreme, which scares me.

It is too easy for some Si'ers to "go too far" this is why it is very important to get the help and support to try to stop this behavior before we cause more damage to ourselves.

I hope that this DR. can help you . It is very scary to feel this way.

[useless]

Thank you for your advice I know I'm getting in deeper and I hope you don't get upset about me talking about this subject the touble is with me I have no where I can let of steam I feel suffercated by my inner pain but it is a mixture of everything I think I'm not sure I haven't cut today but I have hit again over and over untill I nearly passed out I just hope I can get some sort of help without them judging me and them telling me I shouldn't be doing it because it's the only thing that is keeping going anyway how are you your surport means alot to me thankyou

[mscat]

I am not upset at all I really feel for you , because I do a lot of the same things in order to cope. It helps me feel better to try and support others , esp. when I can relate to them. I am glad that you are going and getting help for yourself. Getting support is very important.

i have been in therapy a lot. However, over the summer I stopped going because I have been spending all my time caring for my son. I will be getting back into therapy again though.

Glad you have not cut today. I know how hard it can be to stay away from SI. Espcially if you have been doing it for a while.

mscat