Have been in hospital for a week

[performer-uk]

So seems bouts of tiredness and depressive feelings were linked to a bit of an illness of mine. Had incredbile penis pains, urintating blood, and quite crippling adbominal pain too. Went in and they thought kidney stones and infection, but then blood tested and kidney functions were quite reduced, so kept in to see if this was temporary or permanent. Then they found with a high contrast scan it was diverticulitis of which one of the results was the tube to kidney was cut off, hence infection and pains etc. I may need surgery to correct whatever damage was caused (the bladder and intestine may be linked together now, and the bowel looks impacted etc).

Anyway upshot from all of this. Every time a medical examination happened I was desperately hoping for my penis to avoid the exam. Right from the first suppository, to every time doctor came for rounds. It was interesting in hospital to see how despite the gravity of my sickness, I was still more worried about being embarrassed - thoughts in my head "yeah they are pros, but the second they see my penis they will all burst out laughing, and you may draw curtains on rounds, but yes everyone can still hear, and then I know they are bound by confidentiality but friends still talk to friends".

Even going for the scans, Im thinking "those docs mst have scanned my penis too as part of it......will they be joking about me once Im gone" (the airport thread fixed firmly in my mind. Seeing some of the other guys on my ward with catheter thinking "the nurse has to check that every so often, the nurse may see my penis fuck sake NO........." and then a practical "in my penis big enough to take one of those things if I need it".

Funnily enough things happened to me - compared to the other guys on the wards (some screaming and delusional because of their meds, others barely able to breathe without nebulisers, some immobile, all in extreme pain), I started to feel more grateful for what health I do have. I mean this in a very genuine and humbled way, like this worry I have all the time when these guys actually have very real problems seemed incredibly self indulgent and I felt quite guilty about it. Also, despite the health problems, those guys had plenty of visitors and plenty of people who cared and were getting on with it. Here is me constantly worried about something that never enters into the mind of alot of these guys - they are happy to live a while longer.

And also, hospital has a way of making one less self concious. At first in the gown you think "oh is it open at the back, will someone see a glimpse of my backside", to a day or so later of thinking "I need the toilet, fine I'll walk past everyone naked"....just because you are in environment where everyone has more to worry about than how you look. A couple of times towards the end of my stay, I wasnt sure if I was naked or not in front of the pharmacy visitor or uroligist (both female) and I actually didnt care.

Anyways I just hope not to need surgery, and hope that sharing some of this might be of interest and benefit.

[Anguished]

So sorry to hear of your health problems performer-uk. Best wishes from all of us at the forum on that front.

Again, as with most of the testimonials posted on these threads, I can completely relate to your story.

The mental state that you describe is so familiar. I have created a scenario in my own mind that any interaction involving my penis and other people will just automatically result in pain, embarrassment, ridicule, etc.

One aspect of your story that resonates with me is the realization of how ridiculous our phobia can be. You are in a hospital, yet your sole concern is for potential embarrassment instead of your own health. Insane, right? I had the same feeling the last time I was in a hospital.......

And nothing happened either!

I think it’s important for you to state how self-indulgent we can be. You could find people with much bigger concerns at a hospital. There are literally people dying around you, and yet this is what you’re thinking about? Again, sadly I can relate.

It really makes me wonder, "How many women and situations have I avoided because I was afraid?"

How do you feel now performer-uk? You were seen in various stages of undress by several people (including women) and it was not a traumatic experience. Based on what you’ve learned, do you think that you will be more aggressive in pursuing women in the future?

Good luck and best wishes.

[IrmaJean]

This all sounds very painful and frightening, performer-uk. Are you still in the hospital? I hope you feel better quickly!

I hate those darned hospital gowns too...

Take care.

[flander]

my dad had a few bouts with diverticulitis and in the end, it was his bowels that killed him, not his bad heart (although that didn't help).

I hope the docs can get you fixed up.

[Helplessly Hoping]

I'm sorry to hear about your physical problems. It doesn't seem fair that we have to put up with anything else given our situation. I can relate to what you're talking about with the anxiety about the doctor wanting to see everything. Money is the main reason I haven't been to the doctor about an ongoing problem but the anxiety over a doctor and/or nurses seeing it is another reason.

I don't know if I've felt guilt about having better health than some guys. I've felt more embarrassed about it than guilty. I know a guy in a wheelchair who actually has a girlfriend. I don't think you should feel guilty when these guys had plenty of loved ones visiting them. It sounds like they had a pretty good life up until their health problems.

I hope you can avoid surgery and I wish you the best.