BPD and Help?

[nstn2297]

Just a very brief history to help I guess as this has been a very long and complicated year. In April at the age of 39 I was diagnosed with BPD after overdosing twice in two weeks. Before this they thought I had Major Depression which I think is still there on my chart from my first stay in the local MH ward back in October last year. This past June I overdosed again and ended up in ICU for 2 days and 7 days on the MH ward. I have been on all kinds of meds but now I am only on 100 mg Celebex from my back and 10 mg Zopiclone to sleep. They took me off all the other meds when I ended up in the ICU. I have been in crisis twice since June but luckily I saw the warning signs and went to the ER where they kept me over night, basically safe from myself.

Now to the problem. The last 3 weeks I feel I have been regressing. I don't feel like eating, I am loosing weight, my sleeping pills don't seem to be working as well, I am getting mild headaches, I feel like staying in bed most of the time, I have lost interest in my favorite past times... I know all signs of depression. I have been crying a lot and I basically hate my life. I am feeling abandoned by some of my heath care professionals since June. Maybe they are just scared as much as me that I might actually die the next time. I don't know but certian people are avoiding me. The suicidal thoughts although they never really left are back again and really bad. I even have a detailed plan and the means to carry them out. .... I know all signs of BPD. I get it, I do. But how do I get help?

I haven't seen my pyschaitrist since June 2nd and my one attempt over a couple of days in July to make an appointment with her failed. There was no follow up on her part after my last overdose. After my last stay in the hospital the MH team made me switch therapists. They didn't ask or even consult me. The new therapist saw it wasn't working after two sessions and agreed with me that I should go back to my old therapist. I just got off a trial period with my old therapist who I trust and really like. I see him Friday.

But in the mean time what do I do? I know if I am in crisis to go to the ER. I know that but what if freak out bad enough I can't get myself to safety or don't want to get myself to safety? Sometimes I just wish I could go to sleep and never wake up. Nothing I have tried in the last year has helped. I am just really scared of what I might do. I see the signs but what else more can I or anyone do?

[paula]

Hi

First, you need to calm down!

You need to get to the root of the problem, why you are trying to end your life. If you are repeatedly, trying to commit Suicide then has anyone ever cared to ask you why? I don't mean because your feeling very depressed! I mean why are you feeling very depressed?

What started making you feel very depressed? When did you first start having thought's of Suicide? has there been any grief in the family? Have you lost your job? Are you married, if so then how's your relationship coping with this strain?

What I mean is to go over everything that has happened in the last two year's with your life. try and pinpoint the mishap's in your life and when?

I am going to write you a few words to help you on your way, I've already written these word's to someone on this site., and I'm hoping it cheered her up, and you, if nothing else!

Life is to short to wake up in the morning with regret's,

So love the people who treat you right,

forget about the one's who don't,

believe that everything happen's for a reason,

If you get a chance, take it.

If it changes your life, then let it.

Nobody said it'd be easy, they just promised it'd be worth it!

Paula x

[nstn2297]

Thanks Paula for trying to help.

I just don't think anyone can help me anymore. I am the verge of doing something stupid and I don't really care. I just feel so alone and hopeless.

[Natalie]

Hi nstn2297-

You are not alone or hopeless, no matter how badly you feel. You can get better with treatment, and get through this bad spot.

First, if you continue to like suicide is imminent, call your old psychiatrist and say that you feel "ACUTELY" suicidal. That is a trigger word that will get them to pay attention to you.

If that doesn't work, then go to your ER. Or use a friend or family member to get there.

If you can't summon the energy to do that, call 911 and tell them that you are "ACUTELY" suicidal and let them transport you to the ER.

Alternatives to that include:

1) Having some friends/family members come over to be with you until your next psychiatric appointment

2) Go to our website for a list of phone numbers and websites of people who can help you. Click here.

Can you do any of those things?

[nstn2297]

My pyschairist won't even take my call let alone make me an appointment. I haven't seen her since June 2nd. I asked for help that time from her and I told her how bad my suicidal thoughts were. She passed a message on to the new therapist, in which I got a week later in my therapy session, at the end of July (after I tried to get an appointment 3 days in a row) that she would only see me with regards to medication. Well that was what I wanted to talk about as I am off all meds for the depression. But no they didn't call and ask me what I wanted to see her about. So now I am even scared to call. I just feel abandoned by her.

I hate the ER. I have been there so many times in the last year they don't even care anymore. They actually sent me packing the day after I took my 2nd overdose. I was still suicidal and went to my local drug store to get something to kill myself. They drove me back to the hospital that very same day.

Calling 911 just brings me back to the ER plus you have a huge ambulance bill afterwards.

I have no friends or family to call and come stay with me.

My next pyschaitric appointment in not until October 2nd with a speciallist in BPD, not my own pyschaitrist. I can't get an appointment with my present psychairtrist. October 2nd is a long way off

I live in Canada so a lot of the numbers on the list you provided do not work for me. I have tried calling the local crisis line - they send you to the ER. The one help line I called sent an ambulance and the police after me. And the last time I called my Employee Assistance program they would even connect me with anyone to talk to.

I am not trying to make excuses but these are all things that I have already tried so many times already.

[nightfalls]

Hi nstn2297,

How are you doing today? I hope that you are doing ok, I don't really have much to suggest to you that you have not already done but I can understand and relate to how you feel. I think it seems the mental health system is a bit wacky with regards to help for extream moments. I know that there is a system but it still seems to be lacking some espeshally for these particular "moments" It feels that way sometimes anyway. The moments pass though if you can just get through them knowing that it will pass, sometimes it is just time that is needed, to calm down, to take a breath out of a situation. if you can remind yourself that this is part of a illness and not at all your fault mabe you can learn to get yourself through the moments that are extream without acting on anything. I do think the ER option is best but know by experience that even when suicidal they don't always help you, and if they do it is really only a quick fix and not the long term work that we need to do to help ourselves but it does give you time to calm down in a safer enviornment then being alone. I think that a specialist for BPD (borderline or bipolar?) is a good idea because they mabe will be more bang on in treatment and not as generic I hope it will go well for you. In the mean time take care, know that it is good that you will see this person on Oct 2 and soon enough it will be then and mabe then things will get on track. take care:)

[nstn2297]

Thanks forgeting for your reply

I am not doing so great. I just don't if I can last until October 2nd. I am just so tired, sad and don't know if it is worth going on.

[nightfalls]

Hi nstn2297

It is always worth going on because you never know how close to a treatment success you may be, it could be rate in front of you and so you must always try as hard as that is to belive that you will get better, mabe not today, or tomorow but mabe soon. Please try to belive as we all are trying to belive that this is possible one day at a time from good days to bad days we are all trying to hold on long enough for a treatment to help us feel better and you know what? I do feel better then I did when I was at my lowest, I had 3 very bad low's where I was not at all fine and somehow I held on and I was given a chance and now I am pushing 100% to try and find my way through all this. Please give yourself the chance to get through all this, hugs.

[paula]

Hi

Forgeting is right. You need to try and hold on to what you have got left.

I understand fully what your going through and I also sympathize with the way that you are feeling, at this time.

I know it's hard, but you can do it! I did it twice and look at me. I'm still here aren't I!

Paula

[Guest ASchwartz]

Hi nstn2297,

If your psychiatrist will no longer take your phone calls then it is time to get a new psychiatrist. Also, there are many people who have to go to the ER many times until they get stablized and then, it can still happen. Do not give up. Paula and forgeting are right and listen to what they are saying.

Also, keep on writing here. We want to hear form you.

Allan

[mscat]

Hi nstn2297,

If your psychiatrist will no longer take your phone calls then it is time to get a new psychiatrist. Also, there are many people who have to go to the ER many times until they get stablized and then, it can still happen. Do not give up. Paula and forgeting are right and listen to what they are saying.

Also, keep on writing here. We want to hear form you.

Allan

Definately find A new Psychiatrist.

[nstn2297]

Thanks everyone for trying to help. Just wanted to let you guys know what happened. I took an overdose of pills on Sept 16th. I spent a day in ICU and then 6 days in our local Mental Health ward. I got home Tuesday but I have not felt like doing much of anything let alone write message board posts until today. These past 6 weeks have been really bad.

[mscat]

I am very sorry things have been very bad for you. I am glad your back at home. In my opinion, I am thinking that it is A very Deep depression that you are suffering from.

Are you taking any kinds of medications to help you feel better? Being in the Psych Hospital and Reg, hospital did they do complete blood work on you? Checking for things like low Thyroid, and chemical imbalances that can be corrected by medication?

Are you in therapy? this is also very important to help you talk about your feelings and what is making you feel so suicidal. I think something in your life is definately triggering these thoughts and behaviors.