JustTrying Posted September 7, 2008 Report Share Posted September 7, 2008 What I am ... if anything.... I know already not making sense. I have been on a roller coaster ride with the mental health issues for ... I guess about 20 yrs. First it was depression, then PTSD, then Bipolar and even one doc said Schizo ( the one from the hospital) ( paraniod)Been on this med and that med... I often get tired of meds and quit taking them. I also have an alocohol problem.. so the meds probiably don't work right when I am drinking anyway ( at least that is what I heard) Been off meds for about 6 mo now... Still drinking occasionally although trying to work on that .... ( DID real bad last week) I find myself screaming at the top of my lungs ( not literally) that I am NOT bipolar... I just drink too much and do crazy things ( can ya use that word on this forum? some peeps get offended at that word) ......Ok . I get drunk... I have taken probiably 4 overdoses in the past 6 months... ( Most of the physc meds won't kill ya ( I think)) the one I took .. don't know if I should name it just make me wish I was dead for about 4 days... took about 40 of them. Now I do THINK about suicide sober... just only have actually attempted it maybe 6 times sober in my life... Wrecked a few cars ... etc. Anyway I keep no OTC drugs in the house and right now have NO pills in the house cause my Therapist said OTC drugs can kill ya... If I don't have them maybe I won't go get any... I get this impulse to kill myself... I really mean it at the time and then when I start getting drosy or sick or am laying there after a wreck ... or all the other stuff I won't name ... I suddenly want to live. I do not believe I really want to die... but I truely do not think I am looking for attention... I do not tell anyone unless they find out.... have only been to the hosp for OD 1 time.... Hubs came home early... I took two packets of sleeping pills... got to feeling scared and told him. ( BTW _ HE works out of town ... I am alone most of the time) Ok geting off point... ( yes there is a point to this!!! LOL!)Right now I am running EVERYONE except hubs .. out of my life... they all say I need help.. they say I need meds.. THEY SAY >> THEY SAY.... What about what I say??? I see a therapist... we are working on the drinking right now... Then the meds if needed .. I keep saying if I quit drinking it will all go away... he says we will see.... "FRIENDS" say get another therapist he is wrong.... well I like my therapist and they can..... ya know. Why am I being so resistant to all this??? I do not like the talking 90miles an hour.. the anger and aggression I feel towards almost everything. I hear voices ( no not telling me to do things) but alot of voices like being in crowded room.... OK so I say right now it is stress... had to put a beloved pet down Aug 12... Mom died Aug 29.. couldn't goto funeral... Phone calls, emails 24 hrs a day... I really didn't want to talk about MOM... I do not answer the phone right now.. since the day they buried her.... Sept 1......I do NOTHING except get on the computer... drink, feed my dogs and sleep... Then sometimes I don't sleep -- up for days at a time. I walk around the house in circles talk to myself... Have been doing SI.....IS it because I have not been on the right meds??? Or will this go away if I can quit drinking ? Or is this just normal stress???? Crying right now... not good..... Gabby Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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