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Guest ASchwartz

Hi K_Jay and Gabby,

I have to agree with K_J that you do not bother us at all, Gabby. In fact, I even wonder where you got such an idea from.

Lithium is the classic medication for the treatment and control of Bipolar. Yes, you should not drink on it, but, then again, you should not drink anyway because, at best, drinking worsens the symptoms of Bipolar and at worst, it can be life threatening when taking these powerful medications.

Gabby, please keep posting.

Allan

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HI

I guess my self esteem is low. I am thinking of seriously dumping that site for a while. I have friends on there. But then again I have those people and they do not do it to just me. But you cannot talk about ANYTHING. Nothing serious anyway. If you do, you get attacked. That is like my MI. I try to talk about it some. I know there are others on that site with MI's but noone wants to talk about it. I think it does effect your abilty to quit drinking. Not saying you can't quit, but you have diffrent challenges.

I am in a catch 22..... I think my MI and my alcoholism have fed off each other. Each making the other worse. I have to quit drinking to help my MI, I have to help my MI to quit drinking. I think from the beginning I drank to self- medicate. But I was one of those magic people that when I first tasted beer I fell in love. Guess I got the gene.

No beer today. At least I did not pull a bender. On the 5th day of the Lithium. I sure wish it would kick in. I do not like this feeling. I guess that other med was working some cause I can tell a diffrence. Internet says 14 days for Lithium to start working on mania and up to 6 weeks before it starts on depression.

ALL I want is to be Healthy. AND somewhat sane!!! I do not think I will ever be considered sane ... but I like it that way!!! LOL

I am not doing this for my husband, my kids or anyone else. I just came to the point that I could not keep living the way I was. OH>>> I could just keep drinking until I die.... but I do not want to.

I went back and read some old posts from the other site and I guess I was way out there. People get mad with me because I post what I am feeling and what I am thinking at that moment. If you do not post your true feelings , then what is the point in posting??? If people respond to only what you say .. and you are not honest, then you are not doing yourself anygood. I guess that site is just not ready for me and wanting to bring out and discuss MI's. They have a DD forum... but I am the only one that uses it.

Things have changed for the good since I started REALLY working on myself. Hubs and I are having fun again. Although he does not understand anything... he loves me. I haven't cut in a while. Just looking at the scars makes me sad. I think WHY??? WHY did you do that to your body?? Who were you trying to punish? I think the Tanning bed may hide them some. People may not even be able to see them, but I can.

SO many things going on in my mind. I went to Vocational Rehab yesterday and filled out an application. But I think it is a crock myself. They want you to do Piece work. I think they are taking advantage of the disabled. If I get these meds straight, I can get my own job. I got my GED .. last year sometime.. passed in the top 3%.... the man told me he had never seen anyone ace 2 parts of it like I did. I am not stupid. I just can't function all the time. YET! I hope to be able to soon.

Thank you for your responses, and I will work on the self- esteem. I have had issues with that for a long time....

Gabby

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Oh forgot to say.. right now I am calm.. but this morning I was crying and dancing at the same time. I think that would be a MIXED state??? I have been rapid cycling. Good in the mornings and depressed at night. But the meds kept it from being too extreme. Perhaps I need to go to the 5th floor until these meds kick in? I wish George lived here with me ... I would feel better if I wasn't alone. Someone to tell me I am getting WAY out there!

Gabs

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Hi Gabs

Ow u doing? Nice to hear of you again!

What you been up to?

Me well let me tell you! I have enrolled on a councilling and Mentoring Course. I am just coming up to the end of the level 2 which I finish on Friday. Then I start my level 3 on Monday.

Because I was so isolated in my own home, I am put on orders of my GP. He informed me that if I don't start socialising then he was going to have me sectioned! It was he who set up this Course for me. Said it might help me come out a bit! Anything to keep the peace!

Must admit though, I'm enjoying it. Couldn't help but notice the coinsidence. Meaning putting me on a councilling & mentoring Course!

Take care!

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Hi Gabby,

When I was young I used to abuse alcohol and drugs. Now that I am older I can see now how I was self medicating. But in the recent years I realized that mixing alcohol and drugs can be very dangerous. I had a friend in high school who had a friend who died mixing pain medication with alcohol. Also look at Marilyn Monroe and Anna Nicole Smith.

I've also learned recently in the last several months is that I really do not want to die, but I want the problems to go away. This a big thing for me because very often over my lifetime I have wanted to kill myself. I attempted it once when I was 16 but it was a weak attempt. I was scared. Other than that I have been self destructive.

So I've been there, other people have been there, and most import to understand is that you are not alone. And you must take charge of your life, no one can help you until you are ready to help yourself.

But it does sound like you are on the right track. Good for you! :) Okay so you drank yesterday, no biggie. Yesterday is gone now.

You want to feel good? Give it some time. :)

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Paula.. thrilled you are getting out of the house and you enjoy it! Now just stick to it! If you are like me it will bore you in a few weeks.

WinterSky.... I too have always just wanted to die however , I have made several serious attempts... some half- hearted but, I do not know how I survived some of those overdoses. Must have just been the pills I took. I only went to the hospital one time and that is because my husband came home. Not to get into a bunch of detail about it but, I think some people are just born with feelings like that. What the old folks use to call " Melancholy" (SP). And then I think life adds to it too. I believe in the power of the mind. If someone is constantly telling you that you are GREAT, then you will feel better. If someone is putting you down all the time you will feel bad. But that is just my opinion.

Things, I see, hear and read can bring on my mood shifts. Sometimes they seem to come out of nowhere. But if I look close there is usually a trigger.

Been pretty calm today. I tried to talk to so someone earlier and I know I didn't make sense. I didn't even make sense to me but I talked anyway. SO what if I looked like a fool. At least I was a sober fool!

Have a Great Day!

GABBY

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See Gabs, you stayed sober! Like you said, you might not of talked sense, don't worry about it, I never talk sense but who gives a shit!

I really feel for you. I have never been a drinker. Only when I was a teenager, early twenties. Then I used to go on all w/end bingers. Used to get rat-arsed! But I didn't give a shit! Never bothered anyone, never got abusive, but always ad a good time! Then I had to settledown with a family.

I'm not saying that I'm T/total, no way! I drink at parties, xmas, weddings etc. But now I drink only when I go out which you know is very seldom! I was never a person that could drink in the house anyway? I never felt comfortable drinking in the house.

Back to the point! Yeah I feel for you. It must be so hard! It's like someone asking me to give up smoking! I couldn't, wouldn't! Them fags have helped me through some rough times and still are! Just like the drink with you eh!

I wish you luck gabs I really do! Whatever happens I'll alway's be here!

Wintersky, you ask about my Mentoring/Councilling Courses. These Courses are run by Skill 4 u. I don't know where your based but I'm in the UK. I have just had some more good news! I received an email this morning asking me to go for an Induction at the Citizens Advice Bureau on the 31st of this month. In the UK this is a free advice service for anyone. It explains all about wellfare benefits, employment laws, housing, family, daily life, basic rights, money, health, tax credits, education, credit & debt, travel & transport, consumer affairs, nationality & immigration, civil rights, the legal system, tax etc. I have to go on a 12month training Course first before I become qualified! But it's a job at the end of the day and I'm hoping this will help sort out my Mental Health issues!

Why don't you look into this yourself! You might be better of volunteering first like I did.

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Well it was sharing at an online AA meeting. They asked me to share > I said no at first and then did it anyway.... I knew I wasn't making sense. But hey I was sober. And sometimes when other people talk I think they are speaking in GREEK too! I know what I wanted to say, it just didn't come out right!

I think it is great that you are getting involved in something. I always felt better when I had something to occupy my time. And like you I do not socialize much. At least you have your boys though.

I got myself in some financial messes. But I hope to have that straightened up shortly. I Use to sell things on the internet. Bought from SMC. But I have to pay a renewal fee or dues or whatever they want to call it. I have a website started but I sorta gave up on it. I think I deleted all the info!! WHOOPS!

Took all the pictures off the wall today. There were 2 boxes full. Ones of Mom and Dad and the kids and the grand kids... I haven't seen any of them in like 6 months. SO I was tired of looking at the pictures. ( OH MOM died). I asked my "daughter" to bring the kids to see me about 3 months ago... haven't seen em yet.

More anger issues... I gave up my life from the time I was 23 for these kids and now I am not worth a phone call??? We were building a house and things were going good. We took the kids in ... well that changes things.... I gave all those years up ... the time I could have been enjoying my husband... for this???

Yeah, I have a lot of issues... I need to write them down and discuss them with my therapist. Some things meds can't fix.

quitting drinking is necessary for my health. Mental and else wise.

Later, Gabby

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