Just need to get some issues out.

[beehummingbird]

I cant see myself ever having a relationship. I have so many fuck ups about sex and relationships that I just dont see anyone (or me) ever having the patience to work through them. I shouldnt even have issues to work through in the first place as ive never had any bad experiences. Im such a messed up and weak person and I dont even know why.

I wish I could just accept that im not capable of ever having a relationship and just get on with my life.

I dont really need any answers, I just needed to get that off my chest

[finding my way]

beehummingbird, I'm sorry you've been struggling:(. Sometimes our thoughts can get in quite a tangle, and then our beliefs can get quite negative. Trouble is, our beliefs can then determine our experiences! One of my favorite therapists liked to use the phrase "cleaning your clock." Basically, you go to therapy to clean the thought mechanisms running your mind so it can work better. Please don't accept that you are not capable of a relationship! That thought needs cleaning! If you go around saying that to yourself, it will make interacting with people so much harder. Can you think of something else to believe instead? Maybe start small.... "today I am open to learning one thing I can be patient about..."

[shye1]

Hey I can totally relate to what you're going through. To my knowledge, I don't have experiences like molestation in my past, yet I seem to have so many hang ups about sex. I have a few issues with my parents growing up, they werent the most affectionate or emotionally intelligent, but they werent physically abusive or abandoned me or had Munchhausen syndrome. For the most part they werent bad parents. So I dont understand why I have such intimacy fears either. But, despite the fear and agony, don't you want a relationship? If you do, you deserve to have them, just like everyone else on this planet. It's worth holding onto what you want. I'm curious, what does 'being capable' mean to you?

[Guest ASchwartz]

Beehumingbird and Shye,

What Shye wrote you is right on target. Good work, Shye.

All of us are "messed up" in one way or the other. Why should that mean we should not have relationships??

Allan:confused:

[beehummingbird]

I dont even like shaking peoples hands, how am I ever going to enjoy kissing someone or having sex with them :confused:

And thats only one of the problems I have. Theres just so many negatives to it for me, and I dont think the positives can ever outweigh that.

P.S. Thanks for all your comments

[getting there]

hi Beehummingbird,

well, I feel that fear of intimacy and relationships is a "must work on that". Though I know how hard it is just admitting such need. What I thought about myself was that I felt as if any physical contact wasn't just an exchange, but rather a "being used", something I didn't like but had to bear to please others. That is really wrong and thought that it was a very good reason to excape any situation that could suggest intimacy, as though I was hyper-vigilant or something.

Could that also be your case? I know that each individual is unique in personality and experience, but I guess that my idea is that intimacy is a sign of our degree of personal, psicological growth, if something is not working there, it may be that something went wrong or needs "fixing" or attention.

I can't say for experience, but being able to have a fulfilling relationship when we feel we want to experience it, is natural and worth working on, but requires courage, and also more courage...

Hugs,

[beehummingbird]

I know that theres something wrong with me and that I need to change, but at the same time I resent it. If I got rid of all my issues I wouldnt be me anymore, and it makes me angry that i'm the person who has to change instead of all these sex and relationship people. I dont expect everyone else to stop having sex/relationships, just because I dont want them. So it just seems unfair to me that I have to change myself and start having relationships, just because everyone else does.

Im not sure what I want anymore. Sometimes I wish I was normal and had a relationship, but other times I think I could be perfectly happy on my own if it was just considered different, but still normal to not want sex and relationships. :confused:

[Fedup]

I think deep down we all do want a relationship. Sometimes I look at problems my friends are having with their girlfriends and think I am better off without. The only problem is that I am always at my happiest when a girl I am attracted to is showing an interest. This must mean deep down I want a relationship or I just like the attention not sure which.

I've always been nervous around girls since being a teenager. Used to feel a bit sick and psyche myself up just to kiss them in senior school. One time I was visibly shaking while kissing but I blamed it on having to squat my knees a bit because I am tall. Whenever I'm sober whether it be kissing or sex that I am too worried about messing up that I can't enjoy the experience. I'm not sure if your problem is similar to this but thought I'd give mine to see if it was.

[beehummingbird]

Nervousness is part of the problem. Im 22 years old and ive never even hugged guy! I should have done all sorts of stuff by now, its just embarrasing

I feel like ive left it to late to start all that stuff, especially with my practically never ending issues. I cant see how someone would be bothered to wait for me to work through them just to have sex with me. Im not a very sexual person, so I know I would be terrible at it.

[Sweetsara]

This may or may not help but you could just be asexual. There are some people who just don't have sexual feelings or are more comfortable supressing them. There are dating websites out there that cater to this. Hell let's face it there are dating websites out there for anything you can imagine. Trust me at 22 I don't think you've even come close to if it hasn't happened yet it ain't gonna

[Fedup]

Nervousness is part of the problem. Im 22 years old and ive never even hugged guy! I should have done all sorts of stuff by now, its just embarrasing

I feel like ive left it to late to start all that stuff, especially with my practically never ending issues. I cant see how someone would be bothered to wait for me to work through them just to have sex with me. Im not a very sexual person, so I know I would be terrible at it.

22 is not leaving it too late. Are you a female then? From a mans perspective I don't think there is such a stigma attached to being a virgin then there is for a man. In fact the majority of guys would like it a lot.

Like you the couple of girls I have went out with have seemed unwilling to work with me through my nervousness and tend to dump me after two dates. This makes me angry and determined to make a success of my life. I fantasise about seeing them in a few years time, having a great body, earning good money and being very confident in myself. I want to rub it in their face to see what they could have had if they were just willing to be more patient. Every rejection seems to be making me more determined and it's a good thing to daydream about whilst I'm on my exercise bike.

[beehummingbird]

I did wonder if I was asexual, because sex just seems so messy and disgusting to me. I dont think I am asexual though. I do have sexual feelings, I just dont want to act on them.

[Sweetsara]

Do u know y u don't want to act on them? I mean there's fear of pregnancy fear of performing badly/ of will they tell and others will judge me/ fear of just about anything you can think of. But the answer is the same to all of them if u find the right person they will b willing 2 work with u and support u and help u find out what u like and not push u past where u r comfortable.

[beehummingbird]

Several reasons really

Partly because sex just seems really messy, disgusting and unhygienic. I mean, penises are where the piss comes out, so I dont want one inside me. And although ive always been attracted to guys, i just dont like the look of penises :confused:

Also, I dont like the idea of someone making me come, it just seems too intimate, and I dont like the idea of someone having that kind of power over me. I just feel like I should be enough for myself, that I shouldnt need someone else to make me happy. It just seems weak to me.

And I have a kinda fetish for blackmail/humiliation/submission, its the only thing that works for me, so I might not be able to enjoy normal sex, and I dont want to act my fetishes out, because I couldnt respect myself.

I wouldnt be very good at it either, as im just not the sexy type of person.

I think thats it

[Guest ASchwartz]

Beehumingbird,

Please do not laugh at what I am going to write:

Perhaps the problem is that your "prince" has not yet come along. What I mean is that, in the Fairy Tale, Sleeping Beauty, it is the Prince who must come along and give the "Sleeping Beauty" the kiss that awakens her.

Our fairy tales are metaphors for the conflicts and struggles that are universal because we all face them when growing up.

You speak about penises, etc. Its not about that. Its about the right man, the prince, who will awaken you. Yes, in other words, you are "sleeping beauty."

Comments everyone and Bee?

Allan

[beehummingbird]

I think that sounds nice, but I dont think im going to magically like the idea of sex just because Mr Right comes along. I mean, he is still going to have a penis

It just seems a bit naive to me. Kinda like when I was still in school and thought that I would just magically turn into this mature adult person on my 18th birthday.

P.S. I hope I havent offended any of the guys here with my opinions about penises. So, I just want to point out that I don't like any private parts, including vaginas. Its not just an anti-guy thing.

[Sweetsara]

I have to agree with Allan on this one. Whe u find the right person man I can't even put it into words it's just u don't have to worry about the messy because u know it washes off and the fetishes don't matter bcuz you're comfortable with the person you're with so you can b comfortable with yourself. I'm sorry I just don't have the words to convey what I mean but I hope I didn't totally confuse you:o

Just know this I am firmly convinced that in our own way we are all freaks and damaged but we all have someone who is damaged and freaky in a way that just meshes we just have to find them.

[Guest ASchwartz]

Hello Bee,

Its not about genitals. Its not about penises and vaginas. Its about loving a person who is important to you and to whom you are important. Only then does it make sense. It is magical. Two people in love awaken each others sexuality as an expression of love and devotion. Does this sound like a fairy tale? Well, fairy tales express universal needs and wants and that is why they stand the test of time.

Allan

[shye1]

Hey Bee, so much of what you say resonates with me. When I was 22, I used to not even be able to visualise myself having sex, it was just too disgusting for me. So actually doing it was damn near impossible. Im 24 now and have overcome some of those feelings. I think the problem was that A) I just wasn't ready for it. Bit of a late bloomer I guess, in all aspects of life. And I didnt give myself permission to have sex. I thought it was completely OK for other people to do it, but I didnt feel like I could do it. For me to do it, it felt dirty. I imagined other people would be disgusted with me too. I dont really know where that came from. But I didnt grow up in a very open family like that. Parents never talked to me about it, noone ever did really except for my friends. But it made me uncomfortable. I want you to know that you're not alone. I wish I could tell you something to make it all go away but Im still on that journey. All I can say is that it will get better. Ive come a long way in 2 years emotionally. I realise now, like Allan was saying, that sometimes it takes the right type of person to come along that will make you want to act on your sexuality. Im getting more in touch with mine and realising the types of people I would want to be with. I used to be critical of myself for not going for regular guys around where I live. But Im just different. You are too. Maybe were just big ole freaks who havent met our match yet!

[Guest ASchwartz]

Hello Shye and Bee,

I do not believe that either of you are "freaks." As I see it there is a problem in the world today that love and sex are confused with each other and that sex has been separated from love and, so, is just an impersonal and meaningless commodity.

When two people are in love they want to give and receive affection from one another. Its much bigger than sex.

Allan:)

[beehummingbird]

I just wanted to thank you for all your comments, they have really helped me sort through my thoughts and emotions.