Scared of future...

[tarun829]

Hi there everyone,

I am a 28 y.o. male. I have a very difficult life, and am a big loser. Have done nothing, achieved nothing, and dont even have any friends.

The reason is that I am plagued with bad luck, and have very difficult circumstances. Mental problems, family problems, health problems, you name it, I have everything. I have been in depression since very early childhood, so you know that I have had a problematic life since as early as possible. My life is nothing less than a nightmare. I have had better nightmares.

The thing is I have always been a hugely optimistic person despite my exceptionally difficult life. So I have always fantasised about a day when everything will change, and I will finally have a normal and happy life. When I look around, I feel that everyone around is happy, and I am the only unhappy person. So I am continously thinking and fantasising about the good times, you know the friends, the success, the fun, the respect, the health; nothing of which I have right now.

But as I am getting older, the hope is being replaced with fear. I am already 28!!! The really fun part of youth is already over. People who are 28 get serious, get married, have babies, and take up more responsibilities than ever. So I know I will never get to experience the kind of fun a regular 20 y.o., for example has, even if my life does around. That time is over. And I will never experience it. So I have that regret.

I mentioned fear. Now since my age is increasing and optmism dwindling, I think about how the future is going to be, in reality. And obviously I find it frightening. I know in the future that these ugly things are going to continue, and on top of that I will be losing my parents with time, and with that my only only source of support and companionship. The future... is scary. Atleast now I have my mothers company, but thats not going to last forever, and then I will be absolutely lonely. The way things are going, nobody will even know if I am dead or alive. That is **cking scary to me.

What do I do? How do I cope with this? Give me some of your perspective on this. How do other failed people cope with this sort of situation? I don't want to live alone, and I don't want to die alone.

Thanks for reading.

[musemuse]

Welcome Tarun

I read your intro and it is very hard to give you my perspective on this situation because I have a different point of view. I look for the good things in the bad that happens. There is beautiful and benefit in all things to me, even though I may not like it at first. It took me a long time to get to this place, too.

Have you tried talking with someone who can help you? That is what I think you should do because you sound like a seeker, wanting things better or your vision of things to change.

If I look back at my childhood, there were unpleasant things, but there were exciting things too. It wasn't all bad. I can't imagine too many folks with an all bad childhood, but I do know that there are exceptions.

You are lived for 28 years and have friends, at least those who seem to have some happiness in their lives and you want that too. To me, you have coped 28 years and should know or tell yourself that that is an achievement. Everyone does not live for 28 years. (Do you see or understand how I look at things?) You have achieved something. So do learn to see the good things. Learning is a process and sometimes it does take awhile. You are coping. But do talk with a processional to get a better understanding of yourself perspective.

coping to me: I was bringing jello packs out of the car and dropped them to the ground. I did not leave them or make the extra effort to take them back to the store (for whatever reason). I picked them up and when I got them to the kitchen, washed them off and put them into the refrig. That is coping, when you solve the problem.

I think you have to figure out Exactly what it is that you want to achieve in your life to. You have to be exact; then strive for that. I wanted my jello, so I fixed that dilemna.

Good luck,

[malign]

Tarun,

I would suggest that the crux of the problem lies in the phrase "failed people".

There are no failed people. You're a people right now! It's not possible to fail at that.

You're feeling like you've failed some standard higher than "peopleness". But it's a standard that you're allowed to question. Clearly, it contains a whole list of things you think you "should" have done in your 20's, that you think you "can't" do later than that. There's a chance that at least some of that list are unjustified assumptions.

Tarun, I'm forty-eight, and I've just started to feel like I have some idea who I want to be. Were my last twenty years a waste, or a failure? No! They're what it took for me to get where I am.

You're where you are, and you're thinking about change twenty years earlier. You can make changes, gradually. You have twenty years, after all, and there's no reason why the changes should take all of that time. Besides, you probably can't even imagine the changes you're capable of, in that long a time. I certainly couldn't, when I was your age. {Now I'm channeling my inner grandfather.}

It's all in how you approach life, the life you have right now. It's a process, not a goal.