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Ashamed of Life b/c of abuse


windsybarbie
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Good Morning Everyone:

Right now in my healing I am in grief and really regret the choices I have made b/c of the trauma. I am not sure why, but I never had the opportunity to have a relationship with anyone and I am single and 51.

I am griefing the fact that I will not have a husband, children or be a grandmother b/c of this trauma haunting me. I am not sure why the men were not attracted to me, but now I don't have the energy to work on relationships. I need to understand myself first.

However has anyone else had these issues and have been celibate all their life, thru no choice of their own. Yesterday was the first time having a shower,that I finally experienced the big "O" w/o fear & pain. It was such an unusual feeling, but maybe that is showing I am relaxing and feeling and I will be okay.

How do others handle these feelings. Thx, have a great day.....:confused::confused:

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Hi there. I wasnt abused but I do have some issue with sexual contact. So I have been celibate for 6yrs now and see no real chance of me ever having a relationship again. So I can relate.

But as you say maybe you are showing signs of relaxing. Do you feel you would like to meet someone eventually? Working on understanding yourself is definitely a good way to start. If you feel relaxed then they say it is more attractive to people.

I would guess you are a bit like me. It's not necessarily that men were not attracted to you but maybe you gave off vibes that you didn't really want anyone near? Possibly not but thats how I sometimes think I might have been. I never attract men either.

Do you go to any therapy?

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hi:

Thanks for answering my query...I am beginning to understand that b/c of my experience of the trauma I blanked it out for my safety. I think I was so blocked that I would not give a boy an opportunity to start a conversation with me etc.,,I was just too scared. My celibacy is ALL my life and I don't know what it is like to be kissed, loved and even have a loving sexual relationship. I feel like a freak and un lovable and not normal. Has anyone else felt this way, what do you do with the feelings????

My family had great pleasure in saying "SEX", "Vagina", "Penis" just too see me go red in the neck and get triggered. My family could NOT understand why I saw sex as vulgar and painful and it is a loving thing to experience. I was always teased by them, if I ever had sex I would instantly become pregnant.....Has anyone else been a scapegoat in their family b/c they could not stand up to people, b/c of the trauma????

I have lived with these hurts all my life, and now I have shame & guilt b/c I could not stand up to people. My brother has pleasure in telling me I am passive aggressive and I know my family emotionally abused me, and I am not sure about Sex or physical abuse???

Those memories haven't surfaced yet, but I thought when I realized it was not a family member, I would get support that I am hoping for. Instead I received abandonment & neglect and I am not being invited to go to lake or go for supper like I used to. I am all alone and depressed....Now I am all alone and regret all my decisions, and wonder if healing is really worth it. Do I have a life now after 50 years.

My niece is 16 now, and I was triggered when I saw her on the couch with her new boyfriend. She was always a shy girl, and now she has her first love affair, which I don't know what it is like to have. My sister had really hurt me which I can't let go. She said "I want my daughter to have friends and a social life, not like you". That has really hurt me, but I buried it deep down and can't let it go. How do people LET IT GO and carry on with the future and past when you have no external supports?

Thanks I await the replies, b/c this is where I am right now and the feelings are like a dam that are NOT stopping. I realize this is necessary, b/c these are the feelings I needed to have when I was 7, and now I am releasing. However they are very uncomfortable, b/c I was taught it is not good to cry, and you were teased and shamed.

Also, does your family bring up the negative and things you have done, which you do not remember b/c of DID etc...My sister brings up what happened to me in 1987 when I first started the process. She worked at a home for abused girls, and I confided in her in 1990, and her response was "We knew you were "R" what is the big deal and she thinks Bipolar and MPD are the same thing. Thanks for listening....I know I went thru the worst and now I am seeing the world with different eyes.

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Guest ASchwartz

Hi Windsy,

Because of the abuse you experienced your boundary lines were violatedd and that has caused you to be celibate and avoidant of possible lovers.

However, it is never too late. I can tell you that with the right type of psychotherapy and psychotherapist, you can over come and live a fuller and happier life. You cannot change the past but you can learn to let it go.

Of course, I don't know your financial situation but it would be best, in my opinion, to distance yourself from your family. They were a source of hurt and they still are a source of hurt.

Do you have a therapist?

What types of things do you do for pleasure? Are there high points during your day? Have you ever had a lover?

Allan:)

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hi:

Dr Schwartz, I just saw your reply and I guess it cross posted. Thank you

I didn't remember that I even wrote this thread. I do have an excellent pdoc and I am lucky he is a consultant with me, and my new T. We have our 2nd team meeting on Sept 13th, and that was b4 my breakthru. I know that he and my T are limited, especially because they have a huge client list and it is over whelming.

I know I am NOT the only one in crisis, and emergency services are at the max and not enough resources. Big Windsy understands about clear boundaries but not so much the exiles (children) & my inner system. Crisis services are limited and they do the best they can with the demand of people in mental health crisis. I appreicate all I can get, b/c when I tried to tell anyone for all those yrs no one wanted to know. Now people will listen...

I am glad I found this as a tool in b/w appointments and I have to believe and let this process occur but I need to "slow it down" or it will be too overwhelming. I am learning how to let it go and try to let it rub off like teflon, it will NOT stick.

I started sharing my shame/grief/guilt with my pdoc yesterday (but my 2 tape recorders didn't tape & I can't remember the session). I was very honest about why I am on the computer too much lately. It is to fill the void I feel when I have no external support. Now that he has seen another alter of me, we can discuss it further next time. I have written notes as usual; b/c now I am dissociating more than I ever did and not in my CENTER.

No, I have not had a lover...or a date....and right now I feel too vulnerable; but someday I would like to pursue when I am ready. Right now I am looking for social groups in my city and I will start going to my church in Sept, b/c I love the music and the sermons and the priest. I used to feel solace and peace with the music on Sundays so in Sept I plan on going regularly for me.

Thanks for listening and I know "baby steps" especially due to my sexuality. I have started using a "Caress body lotion all over my body, and that is a good thing and a start....any other suggestions from members of how do they start loving and accepting their body as a sexual human being as they were meant to be??? It is what it is, and I am doing what I can in baby steps at this moment....

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Hi there,

I can really understand how difficult it may be to overcome the fear of letting go that thick wall of boundary that we used for so long to protect us from any boundary "invasion", not only, but also the feeling of being disoriented in a new, undiscovered world of relationship, intimacy and physical closeness, it can really be like waking up with the sky under your feet and grass above... But you know what I've been told once regarding this? (and it really helped me, hope the sharing helps you too): that people that already discovered all this from a long time might probably be bored at the monotony of their knowledge, while people that start to experiment things late, after long isolation, can have the gradual excitement that a youngster has, and can look at the new world with the eyes of astonishment, curiosity, enthusiasm that fills up children with joy, they can experiment that they are still growing, still writing their book of life, in other words they may be scared but are daring to become fully alive.

I don't want to suggest too much positiveness, since I feel how hard and discouraging it is, but its nice to also look at things in a differente perspective at times.

The last thing I want to share with you is that I'm with you in the intent: I'm trying my best to dare my fears, because avoiding the risk of feeling worse or disappointed when I already feel bad is not such a good compromise in the end, there are too many things that we have to give up, but by trying we can only gain more knowledge about ourselves when we dare take that further tiny step forward.

Hugs,

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Hi There:

Getting There & everyone thank you for your comments. I really long for a relationship, and it doesn't have to be a sexual one. However, I know I have too love myself before I can even think of this. I also need the opportunity but right now I am not ready for this. It is nice to know that other people have waited, and I am not the freak I always thought I was. I am now in grief and i miss the opportunity of even having sex. For me right now, sex is vulgar, pain and frightful. I hope in time I will think differently, but the trauma caused me alot of anguish and suffering. Getting There you are so right...thanks everyone for your posts.....What are other people's experiences if they wish to share......Thx

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