Life uprooted (triggering?)

[Glosoli]

I'm leaving behind a whole bunch of stuff tomorrow afternoon.

It started by my boyfriend strongly suggesting I not go to the doctor for a medical concern, because I'd have to miss work for it.

I couldn't call my mom back to tell her "he won't let me go", because that sounds HORRIBLE if you think about it.

So instead I contact another family member and ask her to relay a message. Being swifter than most, reading between the lines, she immediately got in touch with my older brother who promptly called me asking what was wrong, and why couldn't I talk to anyone.

I'm discouraged from calling my family by my boyfriend for whatever reason, and if I do, he usually motions for me to cut it short because I 'shouldn't need to talk to them' for more than 10 minutes. So I have to hide my calls.

Which the more I thought about it, seemed unfair.

My brother assumes I'm being abused, and tells my mother, and is planning to bring me back to my parent's house tomorrow. I say, "No, he's never hit me or called me awful names, I'm not abused!"

Both my therapist and my mom said he doesn't have to.

Making me feel stupid by the way he interacts with me, cutting me off from my family, making me hesitant to speak freely (for fear of being reprimanded or disappointing him)... That it's not right.

I feel it's wrong, too... I don't like it. I'm not happy.

But at the same time, I feel loved, and I owe him so much, and even though I'm planning to leave him tomorrow, all I want to do is collapse into his arms and hug and cry.

I feel conflicted, I don't feel treated fairly, but I don't feel abused.

I feel like I'm on the wrong for leaving... That I'm going to break his heart for no reason...

But I want a different chance!

I want to go back to school!

I want to feel respected!

I want to see my family!

I don't want to work at Walmart forever because I'm useless!

I want to learn how to drive!

I want to be MYSELF!

I'm looking forward to the changes...

But I'm so scared of the confrontation when my brother arrives.

Either my boyfriend will yell at me, or he'll look so hurt and cry, that I'll just want to die for being such a horrible person.... He loves me, but I can never change some things about him that make me unhappy, and he won't understand that.

I even thought about just slitting my wrists instead of going through this, because I'm afraid to betray him.

But I can't, I won't.

There are a lot of tears ahead of me, and I really need to know if I'm doing the right thing.

I'm not in danger, (no worrying, guys!), but I feel so disconnected and afraid and depressed...

If I'm lucky, I'll be reading and responding tomorrow from my new home... and not in a mental hospital.

[a_mess]

Glosoli...you were the first one to answer my first post and were part of the reason i'm convinced that if a part of me isn't good enough for the woman i'm seeing and she redicules me about it...then she isn't worth any of my time at all....not even friendship...nothing...you were an important part in helping me...I wish you the best of luck in everything

[Guest nejiwhopper]

You deserve to be happy. You need to put yourself first and your needs. He may feel hurt and you may hurt for a while too but both of you will go on.

I hope all goes well for you and best of luck.

[Glosoli]

Thank everyone.

@a_mess: I'm surprised but happy that my thoughts helped you as much as you say. Thank you for letting me know. It's a help to know that even when my life is feeling very bleak, I can still brighten someone else's outlook on love. So many hugs to you.

I'm... doing better.

Still crying pretty frequently, really mourning for all the happy things we did, all the good memories.

A bit more upsetting, is coming to the conclusion that this could all have been avoided - provided I wasn't ridiculously depressed for so long.

I really feel like I could have tried harder to communicate my feelings and concerns - but didn't under the weight of all this anxiety and depression.

While he was a bit unsympathetic to my symptoms through his own ignorance, he genuinely tried hard. I haven't been able to see things clearly for so long - my perception seems altered by this thick veil of utter shit!

I feel helpless and like everyone is against me, and nothing I try to do will work.

Normally I'd just do what I thought was best, and have the courage to push through the attempt! But lately, I just... can't REASON like a sane person anymore.

I'm not hysterical about this at the moment, but it comes in fits and starts.

I fully feel this is my fault somehow - even though these are things I wouldn't normally do! And through this period of irrationality, I've ruined everything I love!

I'm afraid now to trust my feelings. I don't know which are just being fabricated by a broken mind, and which are grounded in reality here.

I don't even know if that sounds fucked up or not. I really don't.

I just wish I could undo all that I've done in the past few weeks.

[Calla]

Hey there, sorry to hear you're having such a rough time. It's natural to mourn the end of a relationship no matter what sort of relationship it was.

It sounds like you've made a brave decision to do something for yourself. I sometimes wonder if I can trust what I am feeling these days. But it sounds to me like you made the right decision for you. Hope you are ok

[Guest ASchwartz]

Hi Glosoli,

I am also concerned that what you are experiencing with this boyfriend is abuse. It does not have to be name calling or hitting for it to be abuse. Things like discouraging you from seeing the Doctor, talking to your family or anything else, all of that is an attempt to isolate you. That is abusive. He may love you but the problem is that a person can strangle to death from this type of love......its too possessive and unhealthy.

Your thoughts about cutting your wrist, no matter how fleeting, reflects your anger at this boyfriend and you are turning the anger against yourself.

Of course, all of this is my opinion but your family seems to feel the same.

Please let us know how you are doing. We are here to be as supportive of you as possible.

Allan:)