Glosoli Posted August 24, 2010 Report Share Posted August 24, 2010 I'm leaving behind a whole bunch of stuff tomorrow afternoon.It started by my boyfriend strongly suggesting I not go to the doctor for a medical concern, because I'd have to miss work for it. I couldn't call my mom back to tell her "he won't let me go", because that sounds HORRIBLE if you think about it.So instead I contact another family member and ask her to relay a message. Being swifter than most, reading between the lines, she immediately got in touch with my older brother who promptly called me asking what was wrong, and why couldn't I talk to anyone.I'm discouraged from calling my family by my boyfriend for whatever reason, and if I do, he usually motions for me to cut it short because I 'shouldn't need to talk to them' for more than 10 minutes. So I have to hide my calls.Which the more I thought about it, seemed unfair.My brother assumes I'm being abused, and tells my mother, and is planning to bring me back to my parent's house tomorrow. I say, "No, he's never hit me or called me awful names, I'm not abused!"Both my therapist and my mom said he doesn't have to.Making me feel stupid by the way he interacts with me, cutting me off from my family, making me hesitant to speak freely (for fear of being reprimanded or disappointing him)... That it's not right.I feel it's wrong, too... I don't like it. I'm not happy.But at the same time, I feel loved, and I owe him so much, and even though I'm planning to leave him tomorrow, all I want to do is collapse into his arms and hug and cry.I feel conflicted, I don't feel treated fairly, but I don't feel abused.I feel like I'm on the wrong for leaving... That I'm going to break his heart for no reason... But I want a different chance!I want to go back to school!I want to feel respected!I want to see my family!I don't want to work at Walmart forever because I'm useless!I want to learn how to drive!I want to be MYSELF!I'm looking forward to the changes...But I'm so scared of the confrontation when my brother arrives.Either my boyfriend will yell at me, or he'll look so hurt and cry, that I'll just want to die for being such a horrible person.... He loves me, but I can never change some things about him that make me unhappy, and he won't understand that.I even thought about just slitting my wrists instead of going through this, because I'm afraid to betray him.But I can't, I won't.There are a lot of tears ahead of me, and I really need to know if I'm doing the right thing.I'm not in danger, (no worrying, guys!), but I feel so disconnected and afraid and depressed...If I'm lucky, I'll be reading and responding tomorrow from my new home... and not in a mental hospital. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
This topic is now archived and is closed to further replies.