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Why do I care what happens to him?

Guest nejiwhopper

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Hello Neji,

I went back and read through your earlier posts so I could get a better feel for your situation. It is a complicated situation but maybe I'll start with your current musings:

Neji: I just don't understand these feelings of caring and concern I have for him. Why are they there? Why can't I just outright hate him and not care? Shouldn't I been absolutely happy that I get to go home? I'm confused.

Presumably, you once cared enough about him to move from your country to his. You must have invested some hope and faith in your relationship in order to do so. It also sounds as if there might be some potential risk to him if his government determines he has behaved in a socially/culturally unacceptable manner. It also sounds as if you would not be able to leave him openly, one day you would simply be gone. There would be no closure. That's surely not what you envisioned would happen when you first made the decision to be with him.

Meantime, to return to the larger situation, if I've understood correctly, this is what is going on:

- Three years ago, you went through a very intense manic episode that resulted in you losing your husband, home, job, etc.

- You relocated to Florida to be with your mother and at that time, made the decision to withdraw from medication.

- You began a long-distance relationship with your current husband.

- Your mother passed away and in August, 2009 you moved to Egypt and married your husband.

- It's a year later and you're depressed, homesick, alone, and the marriage has not been good. If I understand correctly, you have also not received any form of medical care during this time.

- In your initial investigations to get back home, you can't seem to get help from anyone. Or couldn't, until you reconnected with this fellow from 25 years ago.

What I have next is not answers, it's more questions.

#1: You noted that at one time the medications you were prescribed seemed to be working very well for you but you've not had any in quite some time. Do you think that if you were to return to that treatment, that seemed to be working for you, you would feel better about your current situation? If the answer is yes, then maybe your best route is to figure out how to get that kind of care where you are.

#2: Do you think you can possibly turn your marriage around and make it a good one. I do understand you're up against some different cultural expectations and you're not on your home turf. I have a feeling your answer will be 'no' but I'm asking in case it's 'maybe'. If that were the case then maybe your best route would be to dig in your heels, commit to staying for a pre-determined period and doing your best to make it work which would include insisting that your husband not hit you or force you to 'make love' without your consent.

#3: If the answers to both of the above questions are no and the only feasible solution seems to be to leave the country, do you think you can do that without arousing his suspicion in any manner. For example, where is your passport? How would you get to the airport? How would you deal with the reality of not being able to say goodbye? What if he were to discover your plans and take your passport or structure your life in such a manner that leaving would become an even bigger impossibility?

#4: Is there an alternative way? For example, would there be any reason why you and your current husband might return to the U.S. together, perhaps to visit or attend some significant event like a marriage or funeral? If that could occur, it would put you back in your home turf and allow you to say goodbye. Or maybe, it would allow your husband the choice to stay with you in the U.S. and create a marriage in a cultural context you are more comfortable and familiar with.

#5: As yet another possible alternative, if you were to leave, is it necessary to go to the U.S.? Are there any other countries you could go to where, for example, you might not face the same difficulties trying to secure help from the U.S. Embassy?

#6: As yet another possibility, is there any way you could possibly secure a job as part of your travel plans so that you would arrive back in the U.S. with some money in hand? I'm thinking, for example, of cruise ships who might be looking for employees although I have no idea how feasible that kind of idea might be. Maybe someone needs a nanny, or a governess, or a personal assistant. Maybe you could work for a year in an Asian country teaching English as a second language.

#7: Are there any international women's organizations you could go to or appeal to for assistance?

#8: Or maybe you take your old friend up on his offer but be very clear about your mutual expectations including when and how you will pay him back.

Regretably, no answers for you but maybe some things for you to think about before you take your next step.

Best of luck to you.

~ Namaste

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A link which may possibly be of help to you Neji: Marriage Partner Talk: Marrying a Foreigner/Intercultural Marriages

I had gone searching the net looking for an international organization that might be of assistance to western women who had married foreign men. I didn't find one (that doesn't mean there aren't any, I may not have been looking in the right place) but I did find that link and thought you might find some common ground and maybe even some ideas on what to do.

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Hi Neji,

Please dont let anyone abuse you physically or mentally. No one deserves that especially you. I do understand you are in a culture that does not believe that.

But as you said what if you begin to accept that what he is doing is right?? Please think about that very carefully.

If someone you loved dearly was in your situation, what would you tell them? and how would you suggest they are worth a much better life then living with a person who supposedly loves them??

Is that love or is it control? And more importantly can that person decipher love vs control or (abuse) Do they have the capabilities to not abuse? Probably not...

If you have access to the US embassy or someone in the US, please make contact with every available resource to ensure you are never abused, controled and manipulated by anyone, even a husband...

Sometimes the ones that love us the most are not the best ones to be with...

But it is from within you, and only you, can you truely believe that you are worth a life of happiness and the abilty to find help when you physically and mentally need it without denying you that fundamental right every human being should have.


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Your welcome Neji. I am glad you are able to read and understand others perspectives. Sometimes thats what we need from others because we can be blinded by what is right in front of us.

Also I think although you see him as not using you. You knowing his past of marrying for another reason, being turned down for the visa and then marrying again a "non egyptian" woman. Looks like a pattern of using the very women he claims he loves?

Just a thought..


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Neji: I think part of that shame is what stops me from telling my family the truth about what is happening.

There's no reason you have to tell them anything beyond stating that the marriage didn't work. Meantime, it sounds like you've got some of your own answers firmly in place so now, it's simply a matter of figuring out the when and how of making your departure in a manner that will keep you safe and transport you to a safer locale.

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He is not letting you have success, happiness or a life... Hmm doesn't sound good...

and it seems he will do anything he wants to you to control you. The simple taking away a laptop like from a child clearly shows the capabilties this man has.

Once he really figures out that he is threatened by you, and your ideas, I'm sure his reactions will be volitile and unfortunately you will become the target in a much greater capacity.

If you hit him, what type of consequences is that in the culture there?


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Neji: Well because he was being such a jerk this morning and I told him to shut up and that I hated him, I'm feeling the wrath of it this evening.

Your unhappiness is leaking out Neji. You will have to determine for yourself if that can serve you well or not. I don't know because I'm not the one who's there. It may be that something in your response will strike a chord in one direction that actually brings about a positive change. Just as possible, it might strike a chord in another direction that only brings more wrath your way.

You do strike me as a capable and intelligent woman however so I would say, pay attention, be aware, and conduct yourself accordingly. Develop your vision of where you want to go and where you want to be and when you find yourself in challenging circumstances, draw strength from that vision and use it to help guide your actions and make your decisions.

Meantime, here's a link you (and others) may enjoy: Marking Territory: The Boundaries of Rage and Forgiveness

~ Namaste

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