Emotionless Suicide Games

[Guy Out There]

There has come a point in my life right now, where i simply wish to die.

I see no further point in my life and when i look at the pain i am suffering i realize i can no longer cope with it, knowing it will last a lifetime and that i could die anyway at any point just because i am no longer needed, no longer wanted.

I suffocate myself, not on purpose but it feels like something is pressing my head into the pillow, something causes my hands to move helplessly pinned down, no doubt the weight of my mistakes.

At the last moment before i might either pass out or pass over i am released, gasping for breath yet emotionless, some kind of game, sometimes i get a seizure right after, i pass out, unable to cope with the pain. I am played with like a rag doll.

What is the meaning of life?

That is not the question for me since i can see no meaning in my life. Unable to express my emotions, unable to feel anything towards my own life the threat of death is meaningless to me, my second chance at life has had no effect, it seems to carry no weight for me.

I am one hollow man, and to end it all, i would but not till i have made peace, i care about others but nobody cares about me, not even myself. One of these times i'm not going to revive myself from suffocation, they will not win, i will win.

A great man once told me, "It is not death itself that we should fear, it is when death will come"

See the thing that you don't realize about death is people know when it is coming to them, they have a feeling inside, right now i have that feeling.

Soon i will make peace with my family, i will write my letters of goodbye and when i am ready, death will come and escort me up the velvet staircase.

Did i want to die? "No, i didn't want to die, i just wanted another option, i wanted a way to make my life better, to avoid hospital, to have friends who care and a family who understand, i just wanted to be happy. Now i can be happy."

[Lindamomof7]

Hi Guy

I totally understand your "hollow" feeling of life and the meaning of "why" we have to continue living. And I have had many suicide attempts and some they say "I was lucky", was I? I keep asking....

I'm not sure about your life but I have a beautiful family who loves me, but I cannot get over the thoughts I feel or the want to just not be here anymore as you do.

It actually doesnt matter what is going on in our lives, good, bad, loved etc. That feeling we feel just takes over and for me, many times I am at peace with it.

I just had a medical condition with lung clots and they told me they didnt know how I was still alive. I was at peace with that as well if I died right there. And I even refused the medicine for a long time because thats how I felt. It was my time, I was ready to accept and deal with death because the constant struggle with wanting to stay is very difficult to live with.

Then for some reason my head starts to get a little better and I start to "feel" things, "see" things that eventually becomes something that finally doesnt feel like death.

So call it depression, chronic suicide it doesnt matter, that feeling is so real, and I feel with you.

As I come down froma little manic couple of weeks, my face(affects) feels different, my thoughts slow down and the question is back, "why am I here" ? "I dont want to be here" "I dont want to wake up any more mornings" and "I dont want to think about what I am going to do with my day"

But we are still here and somewhere, somehow we need help, like it or not. And that conflict is just as hard. I wish you luck in getting help with medicine, therapy whatever it is that helps you. But know I truely understand

[Luna-]

I can feel an ache as I read this and remember how it felt ...

Did i want to die? "No, i didn't want to die, i just wanted another option

Just as you say, when we think suicide it's not so much that we want to die, as we just want the pain to stop and the only way we can see to accomplish that is to die. But we don't know what happens after death, Guy and there ARE other options, here on this side of death, even when you can't see them ...

It sounds so trite to say "I know how you feel" - but I remember when I felt this way.

[Guy Out There]

Linda, thank you for understanding how i feel, you describe those feelings rather well, i think suicide is such a personal experience only those who have been there truly understand, not many therapists seem to have been there.

Luna, I'm sorry i made you remember, i can see you have also been through this feeling already and in a way it's comforting to know you are still alive.

The trouble is i have been looking for options for so long now it seems like the life ring i've been thrown has a puncture.

So do you hang on hoping you'll make it back but knowing you'll just drown slower or do you just let go and get it over with less pain?

[Lindamomof7]

Oh Guy, I wonder the same...

especially when I am in my depressed mode for so long... I guess what keeps giving me that little bit of extra time is when I am able to go into a hypo manic phase. It is like a check and balance sort of weird thing. But then that itself can be more damaging as I continue to deal with the cycle of "alive" or "dead" feelings. That can be very tiresome.

And I have told my pdoc and therapist, if you have never ever felt depression let alone suicidal feelings then you CAN'T imagine how I feel. I don't care how many diplomas you have on your wall or how many research studies you have conducted. You will NEVER know that feeling.

Has anything before ever helped you forget even for a little while that feeling? Is there something at anytime that has given you relief, hope or even a promise of a little bit of enjoying "life"

I'm sorry but I dont know much about your history but are you on medication, do you see a therapist or pdoc?

[Guy Out There]

Sometimes i get brief 'gaps' in the depression, like a hypo-manic phase i guess, but then something brings me crashing back down and suddenly the feelings are back..

I remember back to when my whole life flashed before my eyes, as i thought about my childhood days (which were happy), i felt good emotions for the first time in so long, it's ironic but "death brings out the best in people".

I'm on medication to calm me and help me sleep, nothing else and i'm waiting to see a pdoc in a couple of days (i've seen them before and they didn't help much), i keep trying to think 'just wait until you see them, you can get some help, just hang on', that seems to help a little but it would help more if they weren't completly __ can't say the words on here...(they are actually under threat of closure, no wonder, the low care quality they provide).

[Lindamomof7]

What do you mean its ironic death brings out the worst in people. Meaning your thoughts of dying became so calming or was there a death in your family that has been emotionally troublesome especially when you talk about your childhood?

My childhood was rather good except for the sexual abuse out of my family. So my homelife was pretty good and I keep trying to reflect on how and why I was able to keep it happy. I found alot about myself and actually I should probably try to use my insights of then to how it can make me feel better now. What I mean is what were my coping skills and what did I enjoy.

Can you look back and see and maybe understand what can make you feel a bit better even under these new adult circumstances?

[Luna-]

Guy, you don't have to apologise - the ache was more of a "my heart goes out to you" sort of feeling, of knowing that place. I've had several suicidal episodes since that time, and each time it's ghastly, but on the whole I'd rather be on this side of death. I was lucky to be brought back or I'd never have had the good times since then. So I was trying to say to you ... hang in? And if you find the meaning of life, let me know?

[Warrior40]

"Be a fighter ______, no matter what miserable events the enemy throws at you, if you keep going through them and come out the other side (just win the little battles), you will eventually win the war."

Guy-that is a quote from you on someone else's post who was feeling quite down. I happened to read that after I read this post here from you. I wanted to remind you of the words of encouragement you offered to someone in need in hopes that your own words will help you too.

Wishing you well deserved inner peace.

[Guy Out There]

Linda, what i meant was that the purest of emotions are often triggered by death, in my case when i was near to death and my life flashed before me i wouldn't have experienced those good emotions if the threat of death hadn't triggered them.

Back in my childhood i was happy, the people around me made me happy, i wasn't so isolated and alone.. Maybe that is the key...

Luna, i'm glad of that, i thought i had upset you with my post.. I'll do my best to hang in, maybe therapy in a couple of days will offer me that other option i'm looking for so much. I think you might be waiting a while before i could give you the answer to that last question

Warrior, thanks for reminding me of that quote, i didn't really think about using it in my own life until you posted it here... Hope you are well.

[Lindamomof7]

Hi guy, yes that is what I thought you meant but wanted to make sure...

hang in there, find a distraction and hang on the forum. We are celebrating Labor day here in the US and its beautiful weather so I'm not sure who is online but I get so tired I take lots of mini breaks at the computer

[Guest ASchwartz]

Hello Guy,

This is a short quote from you:

when i look at the pain i am suffering i realize i can no longer cope with it, knowing it will last a lifetime and that i could die anyway at any point just because i am no longer needed, no longer wanted.

How do you know your suffering will last a lifetime? What makes you believe you are no longer needed or wanted? Has it occurred to you that we want you and need you here?

What has caused you to have this thought and feeling that "you are no longer needed or wanted? How far back in your life does that thought go? Does it go back to early childhood?

Remember, we are with you and we both want and need you.

Allan:(

[Guy Out There]

I hope you had a great Labor day Linda (and anyone else from the US), i'm trying to distract myself until i see my therapist tomorrow, i think i can manage to hang on until then despite me finding some strange pleasure in smothering myself nearly to the point where it could become dangerous...

Hi Allan, the truth is i don't know if my suffering will last a lifetime, the consequences of my actions just seem to be sitting heavy on my shoulders and i can't see a way to shed them.

I guess the feeling of not being needed or wanted goes back to my early teenage days, i had a lot of friends who wanted me there (i was the 'group comedian') regularly making jokes and humour, of course when i left and moved on to college etc, i lost that group of friends and the new people i met didn't seem to need or want me at all.

I became rather lonley and isolated and as i moved into my early twenties and began working my way up to become eventually a company exec i had developed a group of 'work mates' who were fellow execs and complete assholes, they weren't friends at all, i just pretended. I left my job not long ago and started a new career as a magazine photographer, meeting lots of interesting people yet i still feel isolated, not needed, not wanted.

I like to think i can help people on here and that in some sense my presence has been positive yet i feel guilty for needing so much help right now, it's like i'm taking more than i can give back..

[Lindamomof7]

Hi Guy , again I can fully understand sometimes needing more then you can give especially here on the forum. But it is who we are and when we are in need, I think most members can see the rational thinking isnt always there.

Hopefully most members can understand...

Thats great you have been able to make significant changes in your career and be able to still be employed. And you have the means to be able to meet new people and possibly forge a relationship with.

I would say these new people in your life are different then your past colleagues and it is a great opportunity to start meeting and finding who you can be friends with. Sometimes they are the ones we suspect the least...

[Guy Out There]

First therapy session today, i take back everything i said about the therapists who were treating me before and are now treating me again, this time they were very helpful (even the trainee), they are going to look at starting a treatment plan next week...

It's been a real boost today and i feel a little glimmer of hope at last.

Thanks guys for your continuing patience and support

[Luna-]

Awesome! So good to hear.