Now What?

[JustTrying]

To make a long story short..... going on 22 years of marriage.

For the last 7 he has not shared a bed with me and has been working out of town most of the time.... He was gone 3 weeks at a time and now only during the week.

Last year sometime, I tried to have relations with him and he could not... or so he said.... I kept on about it and he told me that he could not have sex anymore.... that he had a prostate problem.... OK>>>> SO GO TO THE DOCTOR before it turns to cancer and they make a pill to help ease the prostate problem.

He did not goto the doctor.

This weekend I got tired of sleeping by myself and went into his room and climbed on the couch with him. ( first hug I had in a long time). We then moved to my room and the bed. As I was hugging him I realized that he was aroused and I took advantage of that and we had relations... NO PROBLEM.... things were just like they use to be.....

My problem is now that I know he CAN have sex ( which is good) .... it just makes me wonder.... why did he not want to have sex with me this whole year? Does he have ANOTHER girlfriend? Or is it that he is just not attracted to me anymore.... I know he likes young girls and I have just turned 41....

Part of me is sooooo happy that we had relations and I feel like it could be a news beginning. ( Was planning on divorcing him REAL soon) BUT another part of me is angry and feels like he is a LYING SOB...... How could he reject me for a year and make me feel so bad and alone? He is suppose to love me.... how can you do that to someone you love?

DIVORCE is already in the works... but I do not know what to do now.... If we can work this out I would love to stay married. I do not expect things to be like they were 20 yrs ago.... we were both younger then and have changed over the years,...but I do not want to stay to just find out that the sex was a one time thing and he keeps rejecting me.

It is not just about the sex , but it is the connection of having a warm caring body laying next to yours.... The hugs, the intimacy ......I have felt HATE for him for the past year.... but yet I still LOVE him.... he is my husband, my world.... I gave up my life for him.... I gave up sooo much to be with him.... moved 1800 miles away from home.... I have been with him through the good and the bad.

When I decided on divorce .... it was so that I could get on with my life and move on. So that I could perhaps find someone that wanted to be with me. I have been miserable for 10 years and it is time that I do something for me.... Life is too short to be miserable.

I know I am Bipolar, but I do believe that they way that he has made me feel effects my mood swings....He can make me feel up or down, depending on how he treats me.

Still fixing to get a job and move on with my life, he is hardly ever home and all I do is sit in this house... I need to get out of the house and around people. But not so sure about the divorce now....

Any thoughts?

JT

[Guest ASchwartz]

Hi JT,

Sex may not be what it was twenty years ago for you and all of us but it remains important throughout life. Just wanted to remind you of that even though I am sure you know it.

There is no way to explain why he did not want sex. Its most likely, in my opinion, that he will return to not wanting sex. Why? Who knows.

How do you feel about the divorce going forward? How do you feel about becoming a divorced person?

Allan

[IrmaJean]

Have you discussed any of your feelings about this with your H? Asked him if he is willing to work to save your marriage? Told him what your needs are and how you felt about his withholding sex from you? Maybe you could sit down with him and have a talk about what you want, what he wants and what direction you both want to take with your marriage. It sounds as if you are willing to work on things...maybe he will be too?

[JustTrying]

Allen.... sex to me is not so much the "thrill" but the touching... the intimacy. We had a great sex life.... even though he was real kinky and I wasn't but it worked out..... but I can live without sex..... but can I live without my husband???? This is my 2nd.... God says you are only suppose to be married once.

AS far as talking to HIM???? About ANYTHING....he just ignores me..... he will get up and leave the room if I say the words " honey I feel this way".....He will not talk to me on the phone or in email. YES he is an ass..... but in a way that is my fault I like my men big , ugly and mean...... but not mean to me! LOL

I have a therapist and she suggested to me off the record to have an affair.... she said she does not normally say that to anyone.... but she thinks it would help?????

He will not let me go without a fight..... but I can fight.

All I know right now is I wish things would work out.... will they? I doubt it.... but when is it time to take care of yourself?

JT

[Sweetsara]

For what it's worth I think an affair is never the answer because whatever problem caused the affair is still there when the affair is over.

The time to take care of yourself is now. You've been patient for 7 years so take care of yourself tell him to crap or get off the crapper:)

[Luna-]

Wow, I can understand that you are in a quandary. Before my divorce there were also bad times - I'm leaving - good times - I'll stay for the children's sake. (The bad times just got worse and worse, though.)

Thoughts:

Is it possible to suspend the divorce process until you've had time to let the new input develop and see where it goes?

Is this his way of saying he doesn't want to lose you?

[JustTrying]

Hi you all!

Since I have started being nice to him.... you know keeping a pleasant look on my face.... NOT cussing him under my breathe.... he has been running around here with his chest poked out like he WON something.... he did not WIN and I did not WIN.... I just quit fighting... because all my getting upset was doing was upsetting me.....

Still working on getting a vehicle and a job and have not told the divorce attorney that it was off .... just told her to put it on hold for now.

Am I scared of being divorced and alone??? Hell yes..... Don't have to be alone.... but if there is EVER another..... he will be real special.

Do not know if this makes sense .... but I just want to feel good with myself and my life... I want to feel safe and to not have to worry about what mood HE might be in when he shows up here.

IF I go through with the divorce .... he will not legally get anything that is in my name.... but I KNOW he will destroy it so that I won't either.

At least the kids are grown and we own nothing but vehicles and Harleys.... and I guess the dogs count too but I know he does not want them .... unless it is to punish me for throwing him out.

He has a place in TN..... this is my place. We rent this place and I know Ms Sis will not make me leave as long as I pay the rent.

He can tear up my Mini Van and take my Harley..... I just hope he does not hurt my dogs..... that would cause me to do something NOT GOOD>

BTW.... Winter is coming..... time for me to get back on my meds,.... thinking Lithium is not a good choice because of my liver and Kidneys. Scared of anything new...... because or MORE weight gain. Thinking of making an appointment and seeing what my doc thinks about Prozac.... I thought I did good on that... although trazadone would be good right now.... would LOVE to be a zombie and not have to think!!! LOL

JT