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nathan
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why do I get anxiety? OTher people do not. Its something which could be corrected with drugs, but I dont want a cure, i just want understanding. That's enough of a cure in itself.

It's a chemical in my head that is 'causing' it, why is that chemical in me, not in others?

It's genetic, but i have experienced life without anxiety, it is lovely. Nothing is better. where were my genes when I experienced this?

its not that simple of course, but never the less, I strongly feel-no, I know that it is something that 'I' am doing to myself, and that I have the ability to change it without depending on drugs. Becuase I have been there. I have been free from anxiety recently. ITs damn nice there.

But I can never stay, it so fleeting. I see people living there for the entirety of their lives, and they all live well. I envy them. I only glimps into their reality from time to time. Everything makes sense when I am there, no thinking is involoved, non is required. Life becomes a canvas, and I paint like a fucking artist.

But then, for me, for everyone, but much more so for me, obssessive and compulsive thoughts start to drain my mind. It's corrosive. And I'm obsessed, and depended on it like an addiction.

I can deal with it, I feel it running through my body and i accept it for what it is and continue on with my day. But my days become short becuase its draining effect requires me to take downtimes of alonness. And so I have to spend so much time alone just feeling it dissolve, it goes away eventually.

Then I return back to my days. I meet some people, I am healthy, strong, for awhile. Then it comes back. Why does it come to me and not others? It's almost like they pass it off to me. Like I take one for the team so no one else has to deal with it.

Perhaps that is selfish.

But I am alone now in my dormroom, and anxiety from the day is starting to leave me. I wish I knew one person who could be with me in my alonness, sinse that is the only time I am free to be, apart from those few fleeting times that sometimes occur during my day.

I lie as a result of my anxiety,

I decieve as a result of my anxiety,

I disapoint as a result of my anxiety,

this of course fuels more anxiety in the form of guilt.

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Dear nathan

I can hear how lonely and hard this must be for you and how tired you are. :) I know when I have had bouts of obsessive thoughts they have drained me dry!

Therapy occurred to me. CBT in particular. Looking at the thoughts and seeing the connections to the anxiety and the feeding of the thoughts even more particularly. When I recall previous discussions, you seem like a thinking type of person. Have you tried this? Would you consider this?

Edited by Luna-
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Guest ASchwartz

Hi Nathan,

Guess what? my middle name is Nathan. I am Allan Nathan Schwartz. :rolleyes:

Anyway, I want to fully assure you that you are not the only one who experiences anxiety including those in your dormroom. Did you know that this has been called the "age of anxiety?"

I agree with Luna that psychotherapy would be an excellent idea. At the college there is a health department that, among other things, provides psychotherapy and psychiatry. You should give it a try. Do you know why it is there? Its there because depression and anxiety are at epidemic levels among college students throughout the nation.

You are not alone.

How about going there for help???

Allan

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