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... hate this - may trigger -

getting there

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sunny, beautiful meteorological days, too bad I can't stand up from the couch and get myself out. just keep on sleeping from 3 days.. though I don't have any more sleep to fill in my day, so the anxiety and anger start to grow.

I just can't stand the comparison i feel between the outside world I look at (joyful people walking in the street) and my inner world = wrekage and isolation, and abandonement.

I have all these thougths that people that decide to suicide don't actually want to die, on the contrary, they want to live SO BADLY that the feeling of not being able to is unbearable, THAT'S WHY they do it don't you think? Why is it that suicide is always labeled as an act of a mentally ill person? Can't' it just simply be that its just the opposite, that they are so lucid and real and no one bears the pain to think of it this way: that they do it just for the sake of ending their pain, after they've tried it all? They don't choose to end it all, they actually chose to live so profoundly that they cant' bear the unsuccess.

By the way yes, I asked for help, too bad I have to wait for days...

really miserable thoughts, minutes, days...

Not getting there anymore

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Hi getting there,

I'm sorry you are feeling so down right now, i can imagine how you are feeling, i have been through similar times recently.

Speaking from experience, when i tried to comit suicide, it wasn't because i wanted to die, it was because i wanted to end the pain and the suffering i was feeling and the hurt i was causing with other people. Here is a question that came into my head when i was considering suicide...

"Would i rather be someone else or be me and repair my life".

There is another option you know, we don't have to end it all, i was near suicidal waiting for weeks for treatment and help, i don't know how i made it through but somehow i did, now i'm so close to getting treated and yet these days are the toughest.

You are getting there, keep fighting, every day is a battle and the more battles you win the close to winning the war you are.

We are all behind you... Take Care, [Guy]

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I hear that your words are full of compassion and encouragement. But I think I have a wall between that says to me:

"but what if I've tried so hard, and for so long to repair my life, and didn't manage to?" You are right, we have to fight, every day, and probably there's more courage to stay rather than to go, but it seems to me that life shouldn't be a day by day fight, I'm really tired of fighting.:(

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I hear you, that feeling when your life seems too broken too repair...

Perhaps then, instead of fighting, instead of trying to fix your life you could simply try to make peace in your life. Could you find a way to hang on in there until help arrives? You are sure help is on it's way, maybe you could just keep fighting until help arrives..

An injured man on the battlefield will never be left behind by his fellow soldiers, they will always come back for him but the injured man must keep going until they can arrive.

I know things must be hard for you right now, but please hang in there until you can get help...

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I'll wait, though I know help is not sufficient, things are just within us, life and vitality isn't in me, was never, and will hardly be in the future. I can't live through the life reflected by others, when they happen to be there.

Sometimes things just turn out the way they are, and I keep on waiting, hoping, that some day I can stop having miserable days... and that day never comes and hope is gone.

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Well a friend once told me, every brush with death, brings us closer to life.

From experience, that never seemed to happen with me, truth is life will never stop throwing us miserable days. I can't tell you to live or end your life, but i just don't want to see another go through the pain i have been through 3 times now.

I hope something changes for you soon.

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Getting there -

... and that day never comes and hope is gone.

You do know, don't you, that this is the hallmark of clinical depression, the loss of hope? You feel as if you know it's gone. So did I.

And then it came back to me. Depression lies to you and tells you hope doesn't exist. I know my saying that hope comes back, doesn't convince you, but hope does nevertheless still exist and it can return. As Guy said, you need to hang in until it does, until the help comes ...

I hear you, it's hard and unbearable.

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I understand all to well as well... I feel like a ticking time bomb "functioning" barely with depression all the time. And suicidal thoughts right along side waiting for the bomb to blow ...

Every one says you look good, no I'm just as depressed but have learned how to hide it better. Reason for that, I guess my family. If I could I would lay in bed, on the couch all day and lose myslef in the TV. So if I have the ability to make that choice then why can't I make it all the time and make better use of my time? I just dont have the physical or mental strength

Unfortunatley I have the melting witch thing going on. I look at the laundry, dinner to make etc and I just stand there and freeze mentally and physically and just want to melt and disappear..

Todays a good example, my husband is making stew and home made bread. He asked for help, I looked at him and "melted", walked away and here I am trying to stay out of bed...

So instead of crying I go back to the couch or come here on the computer and "lose" myself in it..

I guess since we are all on the computer we are using a "coping skill" ? and I guess that is a good thing...

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thanx for the support to all.

I guess yes, we are coping, and thinking that there is someone that is actually reading my complaints makes me feel less alone in this. Wished there were self help groups for depression, but there aren't in my place.... I even tried to create one, but I guess I would need to cope better with myself before thinking I could be of help to myself and others. I also know how much more difficult it is when you have to pretend, and put on a mask of well being. Tried to go out for 10 min for a walk, but it was really hard, can't beleive how much strength I have to put on my legs to actually stand up.

take care

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Hi getting there, you mentions support groups. None are in your hospitals or how about churches??

If you go to the top of this page and click on "find" and support groups will pop up, click on that and get in touch with the clearing house.

Contact them maybe there are others wanting to start a group in Italy and see whta the status is. Thats how groups get started in different areas. Barbara White has always been extremely helpful.

Contact her and see how she can help you. :)

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