*possible trigger* :( please help

[rafraf95]

I am starting to have feeling of pain and sorrow again. I want to cut so badly. Ive been clean for almost a year but last week i had a severe break down and started cutting again. I am so mad at myself. I know that what i am doing is wrong and i shouldn't. I truly am sorry for doing it but really just do not know how to stop. It feels so good releasing everything, that the urge to continue is to overwhelming to ignore. I've thinking about doing it again today. I don't want to keep having these break downs anymore. Does anyone else know how to stop?

My life isn't that bad. i just cant get past my past and thats what keeps triggering me. I want to move on but everything i do seems to evoke all these memories i cant get rid off. Please help me and give me some advice. I do want to get better! i just really don't know how... I'm so lost.

[IrmaJean]

Rafraf, I'm sorry things are so difficult for you right now. Is there something you might do as an alternative when you feel the urge to self-harm? Something that might distract you or something which might help you to release your pains in healthier ways? What about listening to soft music? Going for a brisk walk? Exercising? Do you have someone there with you to talk to? Do you talk with a therapist about your struggles? I hope you are able to find serenity tonight.

[rafraf95]

Thank you for your concern. Don't get me wrong i do appreciate it. But please do not have pity, its not your fault. Its hard to find an alternative see as it happens mostly at night because during the day i try to keep myself as busy as possible so i do not think about it. I've tried to just go to sleep but its extremely difficult to fall asleep when i get like this.

I do have people to talk to but i feel that i burden them with all my problems so i try not to talk to them unless its a dire emergency. I no they do care, but its hard for them to fully understand everything i'm going through. A lot of times they get mad at me for cutting too so i cannot always tell them everything.

I've reached out to my parents for help. Their currently looking for someone for me to talk to but cannot seem to find the right person so its taking a really long time. They however do not know that cut or am struggling so much and i do not plan on telling them for they would be devastated to find this out.

Thank you for your help. I appreciate the support and am trying very hard to resist the temptation tonight.

[rafraf95]

Not to worry your no burden. I feel exactly like you though. It hurts not to cut almost more than the consequences afterwards. And your right, it is like a drug but i am really happy to hear you have not cut for over two months. I feel so overwhelmed right now and cant really find serenity within myself. I walk around with a fake smile plastered to my face so no one really knows my pain. Everyday it becomes more and more of a struggle to keep from doing it but i haven't since last week. However, i am not sure how much longer i can hold off. I am 15. Thank you for your kind wishes. Its nice to know that there are other people who have gone through this to (not that i wish this upon anyone) but it helps to know that maybe your really not that alone after all. I hope you can stay as strong as you have been.

[rafraf95]

Hey sedsed hope you had a good day. I hope you don't mind, but i'm going to send all the answers to your question in a private message. I don't really feel comfortable sharing with the whole world, just yet, what I've been through. I do listen to music. Theres not a day that goes by without me listening to it. It seems to be the only thing i can actually use to forget everything without cutting. I have tried cutting paper and magazines. It is slightly satisfying but unfortunately not as satisfying as cutting.

I sent you the message but i am not sure if it went through so if not let me know please and i will try again. thanks so much