ChasingDreams Posted September 15, 2010 Report Share Posted September 15, 2010 ... without just sounding like an insensitive jerk/b*%^h? I can tell that my boyfriend is going through a lot of pain and stress... He is unhappy with the way his life turned out and overwhelmed by being back in college at 36... and with the responsibilities of being a parent to a 1-year-old... and having a hard time assimilating to a new country/culture... and feeling incredibly shamed by being basically disowned and ostracized by his own culture... and feeling lonely because he has no friends and no one to talk to but me... and basically just overall miserable... I do understand this...However, the negative energy he is spreading around is making me sick:( Sometimes I literally feel like throwing up when I think about it... And I feel all panicked inside, like I need to change the situation... because I can't take being around this negativity anymore:( I am so tired of hearing him complain about his life and yet do nothing to change it... just feeling sorry for himself.. and I don't know what he wants from me... I think part of the problem is that HE DOESN'T KNOW what he wants... because he's from a culture that squashes individual wants/needs and goals in life... I think he is totally lost having to come up with a gameplan for his own life, after being raised to think that he had no choice in the matter... But I find it so pathetic for a 36 year old to not have any direction in his life whatsoever... and every time I try to help give him a direction, he can't handle it>< Well, I can't handle it>< I know some people on here have basically told me to leave him... but I won't for 2 reasons... 1) he would go back to his country and we would have a ridiculously complicated international custody issue, with the potential for him to take our daughter to his country and me to never see her again (his country does not participate in any sort of international agreement on child abduction and would not cooperate...) and 2) I do love him and can see how much he is hurting and can also see some of the past decisions I made that have made his situation worse (like helping to alienate him from his family) and REALLY want to help him... So, that brings me to the next question... How can I suggest couples therapy to him in a way that he won't feel threatened and angry? I've tried explaining to him that I'm working on changing my own ways (like becoming a better listener), but even at the slightest hint that I want him to make an effort to improve the situation too, he gets mad:( I know that what probably really needs to happen is for him to get into some sort of counseling of his own, to work through things and help his depression, but he's not on my health insurance, so he would have to find some sort of free counseling or something, which I'm sure would be very embarrassing for him to seek. And the suggestion of it coming from me would probably not be taken very well... SO I'm thinking maybe if I can get him to go to couples therapy with me (my insurance will pay) then along with trying to work on our communication, etc. maybe the therapist will direct him toward some help for his depression... Because as long as he is in the state he is, nothing we try to do to improve our relationship is going to help:(So, does anyone have any ideas for turning needing couples counseling into a positive thing and not having him feel threatened?Thanks. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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