anxiety/depression reallly need help

[Maxmin]

I really need help.

About almost a year ago, my dad died and I had a job I was trying to quit to get to him but I didn't get there in time. At the same time my husband and I moved to a new state and I didn't want to move there it's farther from my mom.

Ok so about a month after all that I started having all this fear: fear of dying alone, what will become of me, what am I going to do etc.

Went to a physician who gave me ativan....later returned asking for xanax. It had given me relief before but 1/2 pill lasted like 3 days for me then. Not now.

So I'm staying in this old house in this state both of which I don't like and I'm miserable. I can't do anything. I can't unpack don't want to. I don't feel like eating...or doing anything. Not sleeping well maybe 2 hours a night.

So then I ran and I mean ran to my mom's state and stayed there thinking I would be better. Well I was better but not great.

So back to this state.....then back to that state.

Finally in my mom's state I went to a clinic. They gave me lexapro and vistaril and clonopin. Ok but not great.

I'm back in my husband's state. And I'm getting worse. The worst thing is he works in mental health and he thinks I'm just doing this to get him to move from this house he likes.

I'm so torn and tormented. I hate it here. Of course I'm not a cleaner and it's a big house. I lost my dad, my apartment of over 20 years, and my job of over 20 years and I'm a mess.

I don't know what to do or where to go for help. I tried to find help in this state and they said it would be like a 3 month wait. I called my other state to get refills and they won't because they haven't seen me in a month.

It's ridiculous. I don't know what to do. Can't make any decisions. I feel like there is nothing I want anymore. I give up. Lost all interest in things I liked. I stay in this awful house and he's not here most of the time due to long commute.

I don't know what to do or where to go. I feel homeless.

I get out of bed and lay back down and then up and down all day.

That's it.

I feel my life is over. I think I need a job but where? which state?

I feel I won't be able to even try and get a job.

I mean I can't do anything anymore. I feel dead inside. but yet panicked all the time. I feel fear in my stomach and heart like I'll have a heart attack.

I smoke more and more.

They say the hardest thing is asking for help well I've been asking and not getting any.

I mean I know you really can't try and get treatment in two different places but well that's the dilemma I'm in. I mean that's part of the whole issue so what else could I do?

Nothing is happy, nothing is fun.....everything is miserable.

I went to a physician in my mom's state and he tested my thyroid but nothing showed.

He also told me to quit sitting around feeling sorry for myself. I was wasting my life. This infuriated me..I mean he's right but I don't know how to quit wasting my life. It's awful.

Can anyone out there get me out of this?

I feel like I'm going crazy and I'll never get it back.

I would appreciate any help.

Thanks so much.

Edited September 19, 2008 by Maxmin

[Guest ASchwartz]

Hi Maxmin,

I do not think we can give you relief but I think we can give you some advice about what you need to do and also let you know that we are in your corner and know what you are going through.

First, I think you need to understand that you are grieving for your father and you may even feel guilty for not having gotten to see him before his death. While that is unfortunate it is also a very common thing. You are not alone with that frustration.

Second, you are also grieving the loss of the job you had for 20 years and that is also extremely difficult.

Third, I suspect, educatedly guessing, that you are less worried about you dying alone and more worried about your mother now that you have moved away. I suspect that is why you keep going back to see her.

Fourth, medication will only get you a limited way. You need to enter psychotherapy with a clinical psychologist or clinical social worker. I would suggest that you find someone who uses cognitive behavioral therapy (cbt) to help you learn how to manage your thoughts and emotions. You do not need to go to your mother's state to get help, you can get that where you live now.

Fifth, having just moved myself, from Colorado to Florida, I can tell you that it takes time to adjust. And, when you have been through all the stress that you have, it is even more difficult to adjust. In my opinion, it is too soon for you to know whether or not you like your house and your State. You need to grieve your father, your job, calm your fears about your mother and learn about your new environment. A tall order but you can do it.

Your husband is in mental health, why isn't he more understanding? Of course, he is probably worried about you.

There are other place on this web site where you can listen to recordings and read instructions about how to reduce stress. You should do that and you should also keep writing to us.

All of this is my opinion based on what your wrote.

What do others think and what do you think??

Allan

[paula]

Hi Allan & Maxmim

I don't really know what to say for the best?

I don't necessarily think it's missing her mother so much, but feel that it's her root's that she's missing? You've not long since lost your father, and have got your mother living. You don't mention whether you have any other direct family like brother's or sister's.

I feel that your missing your father that much, that you have got it in your head that by moving states, that you are in fact moving further away from your father's resting place?

I don't think you have grieved for your father. Meaning that it hasn't really hit you yet! You feel you can't move on, even though you have moved on! Am I making sense here?

I feel that you are blaming yourself for his death, by not reaching him in time before he died. You are carrying this guilt around with you everywhere you go. You are going to keep on carrying this guilt unless you let go! It's going to be hard, but no matter what you do or where you live (I'm sorry to have to say this) nothing is going to bring your father back! The sooner you accept this the sooner you can move on!

You've made a new life now with your husband. I'm not saying to abandon your mother, by no means. But remember, your husband needs you now.

If he works in mental health, he knows that it's up to you now. He will understand that you cannot push or make anyone choose between family. But talk to him! Let him in to your world! How can he understand if you haven't told him how you feel? You have got to explain things clearer to him. Your mum is not going to be around forever?

If it hurts you that much being away from your mum, then why don't you invite her down to live with you? By that way, you will be able to look after your mum and your husband. Also, your mum would be company for you when your husband works.

You could always have a granny flat built on to the house and then you've still got your privacy.

Just a thought!

Paula

[Maxmin]

I'm not even sure if I'm doing this right, I'm new to this.

Paula, thanks for your reply. Yes I have a brother that lives close to my mother and since I've been gone for 20 years, visit on holidays or when I can, I feel I'm not even a part of the family. I mean my dad always made me feel part of it, but now my mom relies on my brother and he's busy with her and wife and well that's why he said he couldn't help me.

Everyone tells me to move on and although I don't want to seem stupid here. I don't know how. Especially now without my stable job and apartment I had.

I do talk to my husband. He's sick of it. He thinks I'm making all this up and that I'm torturing him to move. He loves the house and I hate it. But then again he's gone at work all day and I'm here all day in the house he loves and I hate.

I have invited my mom down but she's over 80 and set in her ways. She doesn't want to leave her home and won't even come to visit.

Which is why I'm so torn. I don't really fit in there but they are family and the husband doesn't care whether I'm here or not cause he just loves the house.

It's really getting to me but I do appreciate your input.

[Maxmin]

ASchwartz,

Thanks so much for your reply. Yes I'm greiving all those things you mentioned but not very well I'm afraid. It just won't go away. I regret not seeing my dad, I regret quitting my job cause now I have no stability. And so I just wallow in regret....can't seem to get out of it.

I feel I keep going back to see mom, yes because I don't want a repeat of what happened, but I'm torn between where I should be. With her which I don't really fit in or with my husband who really doesn't care that I'm having such a hard time. He thinks I'm just making it up or torturing him. So it's like no support system here....and relying on myself is getting harder....to do.

I've been trying to seek help where I am now but they're saying it's like a 3 month wait. It's a little town and the closest thing to something better is an hour away which just adds to my stress for some reason.

Everything just seems to be getting worse and I'm at my wits end.

It's like I have no direction and can't make any decisions.

I do however really appreciate your reply and advice. Thanks.

[paula]

Hi Maxmim

Awe! You seem pretty fedup! I know what it's like to feel all alone! I have a family. Two older brother's and two younger sister's. I have only a mum. My dad died four years ago to Cancer.

Me and my dad was very close. My mum and dad had split up a few years before he died. They still got on pretty well though!

I used to cook my dad a Sunday dinner every sunday. He never came down to pick it up till the Monday tea. He used to go out for a pint on a Sunday lunch, and over here in the U.K there pretty stricked on drink driving! You are only allowed to consume one pint of beer, if you want to carry on driving. After that if you get pulled for drink driving, they bang the points on your license. I think your only allowed 9 points before your disqualified from driving. I think you get about 5/6 depending on the state your in for drink driving. Yeh there bob on!

Back to the point! Well I used to do him roast lamb, yorkshire pudding, veg: broccoli, cauliflower etc, carrots, peas, roast potatoes and gravy. For afters he always liked jelly and ice-cream. He always collected it after finishing work on a monday. I used to have it all wrapped in tinfoil with a dish cloth over it to keep it warm for when he got home. I had to reheat it in the microwave for him when he came to pick it up on a monday evening. Not the jelly & icecream.

When he died. I cried for months after. I used to talk to him. I alway's asked him why he went and never said goodbye. He went suddenly and unexpectantly. I still cry over him now! He did his best to bring us lot up. Never without a job. always worked, right up till he died. He was 64yrs old when he died.

Do you know the funny thing about it was: He knew he had Cancer of the stomach, and he knew that by operating, that it was giving him some extra time. He had his operation and all went well, or so we was informed...... He spent 4 day's in intensive care and then moved to a surgical ward.

Well on the sixth day, I thought that I would give him a surprise visit in hospital. I called to see him and he looked worst then, than he did straight after the op. I didn't say anything to him. While I was there, the Physiotherapist came in the room to see him and tried to coax him into getting up and walking the lengh of the ward. My dad looked at me and said quietly, could I tell them that he doesn't feel to good and he will try later. My dad was alway's a fighter! So I asked the Physio to call back later. They was very adamant to get him up as he was supposed to be going home the day after. I'll never forget, it was a Thursday. I stood my ground and told them under no circumstances, that the way he was feeling was they going to get him up and out of bed walking.

When they left the room, my dad looked at me and sworn blind that the hospital staff was trying to poison him with all the drugs that he was on. He asked me to flush the tablets down the toilet. He was lay there with an oxygen mask on, having trouble breathing, and also being very confused and delirious. I didn't like the look of him one bit so I called the nurses in to have a look at. Before the nurses entered his room, I explained that my dad was all confused and thought that they was trying to poison him. I wanted the nurses to reassure him that's all.

The nurses explained everything to him and left. I told my dad that I was leaving then as I had to get back to work. I worked as a Support Worker. I told my dad that if he booked up and they let him out the following day, then for him to see his Social Worker and request that the company that I worked for (British Nursing Association) to attend and give him aftercare. I written all the details on on a piece of paper, along with my name and who I was.

The Friday morning, I recieved a phone call from my manager to get intouch with the hospital straight away. I phoned the hospital to be told that my dad had arrested. They said that they had managed to bring him back but he was in a coma and on life support.

I couldn't for the life of me go and visit him. I was frightened! On the saturday night/early sunday morning. I recieved a phone call of my sister. She was pleading and begging me to go to the hospital, as my dad had took a turn for the worst. They said that he only had hours to live. HE WAS DYEING! Sorry, but I'm in tears typing this!

I couldn't go! I knew that as soon as I got there, he would then go. I had it in my head that if I stayed away, then he would live? The nurses on the ward begged me to go and see him before it was to late. I told them that I wanted to remember him the way he was and not the way he is. The nurses told me to think about it and told me that I would regret it for the rest of my life, if I wasn't there when he died.

I eventually started to get ready to go and see my dad, I talked to my dad all the time as I was getting ready and on my way to the hospital. I parked my car in the car park and had to have a few minutes talking to my dad while he was still alive. I knew that as soon as I got to the ward and see him, then he would go. And that is what happened!

I will never forget. Before my dad went in hospital to have his operation to remove the cancer from his stomach. He called to see me and told me that he was frightened of having the operation done, incase he died on the operating table. I looked my dad in the eyes and said that he wasnt going to die. I told him that I wouldn't let him die. Infact, I promised my dad that he would not die!

So can you imagine how I felt when he did die? That is something that I will live for the rest of my life with. I promised my dad that he wouldn't die, and I let him die! Sorry! This has upset me to much to carry on!

Paula

[rio1in]

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[BrainPain]

Maxmin,

There's been some hard truths for me to learn. One of the ways I've dealt with a lot of my issues is by asking, then answering questions for me, from me. In your situation, it would go like this. No cheating now. You can't let those pesky emotions answer for you. You HAVE to allow common sense to rule here.

If you could ask your now deceased father these questions, what would he tell you?

"Dad, I didn't make it home in time to see you die. Are you mad at me or disappointed in me?"

"Dad, when you passed away, were you thinking, "That stupid daughter of mine should have been here so I wouldn't have to do this alone!"

"Dad, I tried to get there in time, but I couldn't. Do you agree with me that I should kick my own ass for it for years to come causing myself tremendous emotional pain and suffering?"

If you're living in a house and your husband is working, it doesn't sound like there's a huge financial burden on you at this time. Please forgive me if I'm wrong, I don't mean any harm by saying this, but it almost sounds like you WANT to be upset over this whole situation rather than at peace with how things are. My suggestion would be to get yourself a job and start making yourself feel like part of the family. Right after a death, no one has the emotional resources available to help one family member who is demanding more attention than the others affected by the same thing. And quite frankly, it can make others in the family resentful because right now, everyone who loved your father is having a difficult time of things.

Edited October 20, 2008 by BrainPain

[Guest ASchwartz]

HI Maxmin,

You have "struck a cord" with many of our community members and that is good because it means that people really relate to you and you relate to them. I hope you can use this to reassure yourself.

While you are waiting for a psychotherapy appointment(and I hope you are on the list and, if not, put yourself on the list, my suggestion) you could look up our Self Help Section because, as I said before, it has lots of information and exercises to help you reduce the stress of anxiety and depression you are presently coping with. Also, if there is a Barnes and Noble in your town then you could by one of the many helpful self help work books that will teach you how to feel better. If not, go to Barnes and Noble Online or to Amazon.Com Online and you can search for and buy one of these books.

What do you think?

Allan

[Proverbs31:28]

It sounds like you have gone through a tremendous amount of loss in a very short period of time. I agree that you have a lot of grieving to do. I think Allan is right that, until you have had a chance to live in your new home and community without the cloud of depression and anxiety hanging over your head, you really can't know if you like it. So, I suggest holding that judgment until you can get yourself feeling better.

I am sorry to hear that DH is not supportive or helpful to you. I imagine that only intensifies your frustration and anxieties.

I do hope you are able to find help soon. Have you considered getting an evaluation at a mental health clinic? They may be able to get you in to see a doctor and therapist much quicker than just calling and making an appt with a doc. They may be able to offer you an outpatient program or just a psych appt and therapy. Its just a thought. If things become too severe, you can always try the ER. They should have a psych on call and that would at least be enough to get your foot in the door with a doc and, possibly, get refills of your meds until you can be seen.