Agh! ???

[Misty]

I don't know what to do for the best!

I need to go to a day hospital before things get so bad that I need admitting! But, we have no family nearby and my husband is doing a course that is nearing it's end. Therefore it is imperative that he attends!

What the hell do I do with the 2 bubs I have at home in the day?

Priced a local creche today and even if they do 2 days a week it's still £80 a wk!! Just don't have that sort of money!

His course is through the benefits people, to give us a better life!

A better life that I'm now jeopardising!!

How guilty do I feel!?

He only has 12 wks left and it's done and we all set for the future.

I'm not being responsible for screwing that up!

But I need more help than I'm accepting at the moment!

This is making things worse! AGH!!!:mad:

[Luna-]

Desperate times call for lateral thinking ... - try brainstorming for ideas. It sounds like you really do need to go. Basically you need your children looked after during the day, have I got it right?

Off the top of my head:

1. Any chance you can take them with you, even if only part of the day, a day or two a week?

2. Any place (creche or whatever) where your husband is doing the course that may have facilities?

3. You may have to make a separate plan for each day of the week.

4. Any friends who could do a day? Family who you could ask to come and stay for a bit? Church group? Someone you could pay for one day a week, if it'll cost less than creche? Call in any favours? Anyone from toddler group? If you offer to pay a bit?

5. You may have to settle for a few days a week but it might be better than thinking all-or-nothing?

Any of this set off any ideas?

[Misty]

Desperate times call for lateral thinking ...

I like that thanx!

Erm....I'll have to keep thinking! None of those would happen!

I'll have to sound out my husband see if there's anyone that could come stay. No one in my side of family, so it's more of an ask!

Something will work out...it bloody better!! Lol!

[Jetliner]

..........

[Misty]

Thank you!

It's kinda hard to chill when the only person trying to resolve this is me! I am desperate!

Crisis team are coming back today, they will have found out if social services can assist! So hopefully!

So many more things flying round my tiny mind! Would be nice to be supported in the real world! Ah forget it! It's not worth it!

Everything is so black and white to outsiders isn't it!

[Jetliner]

..........

[Misty]

OK...I am always the fixer...the strong one..always trying to help others! Always disappointed when no one gives a flying uck about me!

Nobody helps me, nobody wants to listen to my problems, nobody does anyhting for me!

The issue that is getting to me today is my selfish sister!

I told her 3 months ago that I would give her money for a deposit to get her and her two kids out of a hovel! Since then she hasn't done a thing to help herself. Still living in the hell hole. Social services are involved with her because she's a useless mum. I was just trying to give her a leg up!

So I told her last night that I may not be able to help her anymore, as I may need the money if I have to go into hospital!

So she says, " They only make you go hospital if you try to kill yourself. xx"

How in the hell would she know? She hasn't a clue what i'm going through and she doesn't care. She's 24 years old, I shouldn't have to hold her hand while finding her a place to raise her babies! Really grates me!!

Where's my help? Who is there to give me a hand? Oh yeah...nobody!!

[Jetliner]

..........

[Misty]

Wouldn't life be simpler if everyone cared about everyone the same!

My darling sister replied to my , "it's more complex than that" with "whatever"

How nice...beside I made the offer when she was a single parent, but she has now taken back her reprobate baby father. It's his job to provide for his family, not mine. But it's nice to know that support is there for me!:mad:

I laid out exactly what I've been through in the past week, exactly how dangerous I may be. Lets see if she suddenly develops a sense of empathy!

My other sister is already not talking to me, for no bloody reason!

To repeat myself AGH!!!

[Luna-]

Misty

What would happen if you simply HAD to go? As in, there is no choice in the matter, no way of saying "sorry, I can't get child-care, I can't go"? The crisis team give you time to pack and then take you off? Your husband is left stranded. He realises that he CANNOT stop the studying and MUST get help to look after the children.

What would happen? Who would step in to help your husband? Who would give HIM a hand so he could keep going on the course? I think you are thinking about who would help YOU and finding no-one - so try thinking in terms of who would step in for your husband if HE sat with the kids and couldn't take "leave" There may be people you haven't thought of that would step in for him and make an arrangement.

I'm trying to come up with lateral ideas. Women cope with the daily stuff, we're used to looking after children so we juggle things and do it and everyone relies on us doing it. When we can't, there's panic and scurrying. (I know I've been given a day's notice a few times and when I had lithium toxicity it was a few hours notice.) NOW what? Often people will rally around the poor hapless dad and make a plan to help him out. Any chances there?

I'm not putting down your husband at all. I'm sure he's not a "poor hapless dad", but he will be in a pickle if that were to happen. Can the two of you sit down and work out who could/would step in IF this were to happen? You HAVE to go and he HAS to stay on the course. Who could he ask?

[Misty]

Luna, you are right! There probably are people that would step in and help Him.

I'm scared to suggest to him that he ask someone! There always seems to be an excuse! SOrry to be like this!

I'm so out of sorts, I can't think properly, all I see are obstacles!

If it were taken out of my hands, he would probably just not go to his course!

He's been out of work for so long, I CAN'T be the reason he quits this! He's enjoying something, he's looking forward to working!

I'm just so ashamed and guilty!!

[Luna-]

So is there a way the two of you could sit down and plan this out, so he is simply "forced" into this bout of "single parenthood"? So that both of you know there is a plan and you have scouted out the solutions beforehand, together. Then you carry out the plan and he calls (whoever) to say the crisis team say you HAVE to go today or tomorrow or whatever and would they be able to help him stay on his course by caring for the children during the days? (Or you call, for that matter. Make sure your voice is sufficiently "freaked out", if you do the calling. )

Yes, this is sneaky in one way. But not in another way. You'll be doing what is best for both of you while also taking care of the children, WHILE you are still home for another day or so. People don't GET the urgency of this sort of thing. I'm sure you look "just fine" The only way to make them realise is to say "the team says ..." or "the doctor says ..."

You're in a tizzy, Misty. Deep breaths, sit down.

[Misty]

I will sit him down later and try. Thanks for your suggestions. i'm shaking and can't shift this constant headache!

I hope you are ok!

[Luna-]

I'm fine. Take care of yourself.

[Misty]

I am so unbelievably sick of this bullcrap!!

Promazine, makes me no less angry just too lethargic to carry through the threat of harm. Calms me down to the point where I don't give a shiny rats ass that my husband is a prize knob!!

Well actually i do, but I know he's gonna leave me, I just can't do anything about it!

Last night he found a weeny spot of wee on the carpet, that I had not noticed. (2yr old potty training) Cue...I'm not pulling my weight, I don't contribute anything, it's nothing to do with my mental problems I'm just a lazy good for nothing!

Nevermind the fact that 2 hrs of the day are spent walking 3 yr old to and from nursery. Nevermind the fact that i have a bad hip from SPD. Nevermind the fact that there was very little to do in the house yesterday. Nevermind that the dishes were all in the dishwasher, boys were fed and clean.

So, I downed some vodka and stormed out!

I was gone for 4 1/2 hrs...not one phonecall or txt message!

When I came home, apparently it's my decision if I wana storm out, so he doesn't care what I do.

This morning....He tells me to phone him when the crisis team have rang to say what time the pdoc is coming by. I asked why? "So I can be here?", again I asked why?...."Aright then fine Misty forget it, I don't give a shit, I'm gona stay at training all day, and will do for the rest of the week. I'm gona stay at training everyday even if you do need to go to the day centre!! Tough shit, it's all about you isn't it, no one else matters as long as you're happy it's all about what you want!!"

Tell me....does anybody want to have no control over their own emotions? Would a rational person choose to go to a day hospital?

It's not a choice. ~I did not wake up and think, " Oh I know I think I'll act irrationally, flying off the handle, sobbing on the floor, jumping round ecstatically, curled up on the sofa!! Yeah that sounds like fun!"

AGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[Misty]

Just read that back and found it funny!!

Pdoc came by, with the lady from crisis. Positive experience. Am now a week away(ish) from diagnosis! I have to keep a mood diary for a week, as I was expecting!

I've read a few ideas on how to set one out, but they seem a little regimented for me!

I'm very spontaneous and free thinking! I don't think I could stick to a number order! Plus how to filter out the inner warblings.

It does seem that my writing is affected by mood anyway! So perhaps it doesn't matter. You can certainly tell from last nights opening entry that I was happy and high! I guess as that is the idea, to log the swinging mood, that it will be fine!

As you can probably tell, I'm still in the positive frame of high mood!

Think you can tell from all past posts that i have been in a high state for a while, it just seems to swing between happy, loving and ANGER!! (you must read the word anger deep and growly!!)

I can't believe how many flipping typos I've made in this post alone! At least I'm editing them! ha ha ha!

I've to go to the chemist in a bit, got a new script for somat or other. i'm to take half a pill, when I feel toooooo intense! Which is about now!!

It's pouring, and I've two poorly bubbas! Ah well, needs must. (think thats a nanny saying!) I know you turn into your mother as you get older like, but at 27 to turn into your nan!!! EEEEEk!!

Right mental patient over and out!!

[Misty]

So today I'm heading down down down!! Confused don't even begin to cover it! Keep coming back to see if I have any more replies. But just like in the real world, everyone is too busy living their own lives. Not that I am hurt by this...you know this is a place where we are all needy.

Even Facebook is a lonely place right now! I leave it as long as I can and even then, no notifications!

Sad, sad muppet that's me!

[Jetliner]

..........

[Misty]

Aww thanks!

Sorry to hear you not been good!

I'm just in a state of mixed emotions and wondering what I'm gona be labelled with! I hate labels...I'm just me. I just want to be a relatively rational version of me!

Finding it very difficult to concentrate, I'm flitting between inane television, an interesting book and the internet! I would love to just get lost in the book!

It is reassuring to know that peops are out there, even if elusive!

My Daddy is coming on a visit tomorrow, so hopefully some daddy cuddles will help. (yes I realise I'm too old to call him daddy, but I care not!! lol!)

Sorry to be a bit of a void, but what is cols??

Contemplating popping a lorazepam. I've been put on that for a week! I don't care what it is really just so long as it helps in some way. Not sure if it is helping!

Anyway...rambling!!

[Misty]

I feel so weird!! Singing along to music thinkinf I have the Xfactor! Feel achey yet full of beans! Don't know what to do with myself!! Gonna burst at the seams, but I don't want to take apill and just become void of feeling! But as the day goes on I'm getting more and more worked up!

What can I do!!? Got boring housework to finalise, washng to put away that kind of crap!

Had a nice visit with my Daddy! Big hugs and retail therapy!! Lol!

Just feel so kbntrkjbntrkjbneibne don't know how to describe it! How can i keep an accurate mood diary if I can't even decipher what ii is that I'm experiencing. N what the hells wrong with my spelling?

Time to go get the older two from school soon!

For flip sake, I hate myself sometimes...why can't I be NORMAL!!!!!

So goddamn horny too....be useful if my husband was also! As if!!

[Misty]

I'm getting worried now!! I can see things going very wrong!

I am having thoughts that I do not want. That if I follow through with them I'm in trouble!!

Pdoc not coming back til Friday, what if that is too late!!

Keep thinking of applying for a loan online and having a spend, could do with some pretty clothes for winter. Kids could have a great christmas.blah blah blah! Also can't stop lusting after other men. If I do anything about that then husband, gone!! He doesn't trust me anyway, so would it matter if I folloewd it through!? GRRRR....n Agh! Sitting reasoning with my subconcious, but it's crackers...i'm fighting with myself! Feel like I'm gona crack up or spiral !! Can't lose my family, can I contain it!

[Misty]

hat a useless pile of stupidity!! Got a loan..approved instantly, straight into my bank! Now what! If Husband fingds nouthe's gona hit the roof! But he wil find out!!! I'm scared now!

[Luna-]

Misty:

Back away from the computer. NO loan sites. Give your money-related cards to a safe friend for the time being. Don't make new decisions. Exercise to blow off extra energy. I'm worried about you.

[Misty]

I'm a horrible horrible person!

Everything was getting mad and I punched my 6 yr old in the body repeatedly!

I sent her upstairs, took the rest of the kids to school and called the crisis team!

She's ok, she's sitting watching tv. She's forgiven me, but I haven't!

This is so not an isolated incident! I'm a dreadful excuse for a human being!

Crisis team, were pants, said someone will ring me at 1 then visit this afternoon! Tooolate!!

What's the point in a crisis team if they aint there ina crisis! I neeed someone to just take the kids for the day, let me sort it out!

Last night I was feeling pent up and took a pill, then I was unable to function...totally crashed on the sofa. Husband took himself to bed, so I had to get my 8 yr old to make soup for them all to eat! I'm failing! I'm falling! I need s way out!

Thinking all the time of leaving husband, taking kids to spain! totally wrong! Why would I do that to him!

I just want o block everything out!! I'm so desperate, wish I had someone in the area to help! I'm scared

[Luna-]

Only just caught this post now. What happened with the crisis team? Have they prescribed medication for you? What pill was it you said you took that made you so doped? What is their plan for you?

Um, just read that over. Sorry about the 20 questions ...