Thinking Kindly About Oneself

[Pakhawaj]

I'm very sorry I keep making topics.

I've been instructed to attempt to think a kind thought about myself, this repulses me as I think I am potentially the worst person on Earth. I realise this is completely illogical, it is just how I feel. I don't know why I should do this, I don't know how I can do this, I don't know if I will try to do this. If I must live, this seems like it should be an important thing but I can't help but think it would be easier just to kill myself (I am too afraid to ever do this). I'm really at a loss about what I should do or think, I want to rip myself apart and torture my dying body and I'm told to think a kind thought about myself. I don't know what I should do, I know I must do something.

[IrmaJean]

Why do you think it repulses you, Pak? Don't you deserve kind thoughts as much as the rest of us do?

Maybe you might try identifying with the kind aspects of yourself first. Have you ever offered another person on the site gentle support? What is it about yourself that you connect with when you offer kindness to another? Do you feel empathy? Caring? If you can offer it to others, you can offer it to yourself as well. What do you think?

You might try expressing to your therapist the next time you have a session that this assignment brought up some anger. It might be worth discussing to see where this could be coming from.

I wish you well today.

[Pakhawaj]

She knows where the anger stems from (ish) and we have discussed it, without going into great detail about my weird thought processes- I am the cause of everyone's problems.

No, I don't feel I deserve kind thoughts, I do feel that other people do. Other people are not me, other people are not the worst person on the planet, other people have lives and futures and potentials.

I can attempt to put myself in someone else's shoes and think a kind thought about myself, but then in my mind I am just looking a myself and it makes me sorrowful and angry. I don't even know what a kind thought would do, the words alone make me grind my teeth when they are in relation with me.

I don't know what to do and I feel muddled.

[IrmaJean]

I am the cause of everyone's problems.

This sounds like a distortion or false perception to me...but I don't want to say anything that might upset you further.

The point I was trying to make was in helping you to recognize that the part of yourself that wishes to give kind thoughts to others has something positive to offer. If you have something to offer to another, you must then have it to offer, no? It demonstrates a capacity within yourself to be caring and kind. It could be that you aren't ready or in a place at this time to offer that to yourself, yet.

One step at a time, Pakhawaj. I can hear that you are trying and this is an important start. Take care.

[Pakhawaj]

but I don't want to say anything that might upset you further.

Please do not hesitate to say something which may offend me, especially if you think it could be helpful. You could not possibly offend me as much as I offend myself.

Of course I realise the thought is irrational, but I think that is not the point. Are you suggesting that I disregard the idea for now? If I am to live, how long should I wait? I am almost 20, I have no A levels, no friends, no hobbies... I don't know how many more years I can carry on existing like this. My life is sad, pitiful and pathetic.

I'm sorry if I seem overly distraught or desperate, I probably am. I just don't know what to do. It's difficult to show compassion to someone whom you despise so deeply and know so well.

[IrmaJean]

I would suggest doing what your therapist asks of you, Pakhawaj, and communicating with him/her about how it is making you feel. Is there any way you might call your therapist if you are feeling especially distraught? There is no need to apologize. Self-expression is a good thing. I'm sorry you're hurting.

[Pakhawaj]

Hey, thanks for putting up with me.

I am not in a desperate enough state to call my therapist, I wouldn't do this anyway as I wouldn't want to be a bother to her and she knew this would be a difficult task for me when she departed earlier today.

My therapist has asked me to have a kind thought for myself, I don't know how to do this. I suppose I was hoping for a tip.

I'm sorry if I've come across as whiney, my communication skills are shite.

[Guest SomethingOrOther]

Here's a tip..

you said that you know some of your thoughts are illogical and irrational, so to me it seems they are probably untrue.

So one way to think more kindly about yourself would be to find out which of your negative thoughts are really untrue, and just make your feelings worse.

Maybe that you're not really the cause of everyones problems would be a good thought for a start?

That would already be more kind than the original thought.

[Pakhawaj]

That's a pretty good idea, thank you. I'll try that.

edit: Yeah, I'm capable of thinking that without much distress. I'll try it every now and again.

edit2: this was a stupid idea, I'm sorry.