Manipulation

[beautifully flawed]

I have recently ended a short relationship with a man who I had dated 3 years before. He changed in many ways during the interlude. I am writing this because I feel like I dodged a HUGE bullet when I ended it with him and I am amazed at that. The subtle manipulations, the degrading comments, the complete disregard for my thoughts and opinions. We have been broke up for 3 1/2 months and I just realized yesterday after listening to a talk radio program about how abuse starts that I was even in an abusive situation. It was not physical at all but I know believe that it would have become so if I had stayed with him.

It started when I had to depend on him a hopeless situation. He acted like it was such a bother and I felt guilty. Then those hopeless situations started to happen every few weeks. Then all of a sudden I owed him things, things I didn't want to do. All of sudden he was criticizing my grooming habits and asking my why I didn't do things that other women do (i.e. shaving the way he wanted me to). But he didn't like when I pointed out that he has the hairiest back I have ever seen (he he). The comparisons to other women alone pissed me off so much that I had to fight off the urge to tell him to leave twice. But I still felt like I owed him something. In one case he told me that I was "too independent and needed to start listening to him instead of my brother". Red flag! He got angry because I didn't want to spend the night at his house, precisely because it was "his house!". He purposefully stared at other women while we were out together I'm pretty sure just to make me jealous but I never took the bait, he is no prize.

When we first started dating, he didn't want to let me pay for anything and acted like my doing so emasculated him. Then suddenly I was spending all of his money and I had to pay for it some way. All of the hopeless situations I mentioned involved vehicles. When my first car died the mechanic asked me if I had an angry ex boyfriend because he had never seen that happen before. I bought a used car after that. He didn't approve of the buy and 4 weeks later the same problem happened to new car that had happened to my old one. I didn't put the pieces together then. My new car survived but continued to have expensive problems. I didn't listen and specifically told him that I could not afford it and would have my brother (who had volunteered) do it. He had it done anyway and then accused me of using him (he also refused to tell me how much it cost and when I broke up with him he used that as proof of what a user I was). The last straw(s) was when he became extremely angry and started hitting the table and later sent me a nasty message when I told him that I had plans with my friends and sister for a weekend and wouldn't see him until the next Monday. I still felt guilty, he made me feel like I owed him something but I just felt in my gut that this was not right. No one had ever treated me that way before. I doubted myself. But only briefly. There were many other instances that I do not have time to mention.

The scariest part is the conversation I had with my sister last night. I met this man through a family member which means my sister knows him too. She told me that he has been coming over to her house to spend time with said family member and flirting with her. He told her that I was "different" but she wasn't. He offered to do some work to her car but got angry when she took it to a mechanic herself. He stormed out of her house without saying a word because she put a meat that he doesn't like in a dish she made for dinner. My sister is of course is completely uninterested and doesn't want to be around him anymore. The problem lies with our family member who has been close to him for several years. I plan to go to my sister's for dinner on Sunday, we plan to talk to this family member while I'm there and ask that this person not be invited back. I think this is the best thing for everyone but I'm a little afraid that it will not go over so well. I think he tries to control females because he feels inferior with males.

I hope that others out there who are going through similar situations figure it out as quickly as we did and people who are living in abusive situations find the strength to get out of them. No one has the right to degrade or control you. YOU ARE NOT PROPERTY!. This kind of thing does not discriminate by age, sex or race. It can affect anyone. Trust your gut, if it doesn't feel right it probably isn't. Please get help if you think you need it. Love>>>BF

[misrbl1]

My wife has been doing the same to me for many, many years. The only difference is that she has gone as far as to be physical with me. I want out soooo bad, but there are many other concerns, like our son, and there's the suicide threat when I tried to leave.

[finding my way]

No one has the right to degrade or control you.

exactly.

It's good to see you here again, beautifully flawed. I hope you are ok.

[beautifully flawed]

misrbl1: Threatening suicide is the ultimate weapon of control. It must be a very difficult situation if both she and your son are suffering from a serious illness. I read your previous thread. I can imagine that guilt must play in here somewhere. You must be under tremendous stress, try to find ways to care for yourself. You mentioned the difficulty with moving your son, if you decide to leave there may be programs that can help you in your area. Check with your insurance. I have hope for you and wish you and your son all the best.

Finding: Thanks for remembering me! I am doing ok, I still struggle but I am making progress. My self confidence is at an all time high.

Love...BF