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I actually have no idea how I can live with myself, most depressed I have ever been


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I was feeling good last night, smoked some weed with some friends. Just before I went to bed however I was hit with a huge amount of worry, guilt and disgust to the extent that I felt suicidal

That feeling did not go away the next morning.

I had remembered something I did back in march which I do not think I can live with myself knowing I did it

I was browsing the photos of this girl I vaguely know. She's friends with some people I know. Can't say I know her properly though, never had a conversation with her.

Anyway, I was on my laptop downstairs and for some reason I looked in one of her albums for an English holiday she went on with her family. There was one photo of her in a swim suit which I kind of found arousing. Anyway I got off the laptop and went upstairs to masturbate.

While masturbating I thought of her in this exact swimsuit at the beach, same haircut exept in my fantasy I made her look a bit older than she did in the photo. It was after I finished that I started panicking, thinking shit what did I just do what if that was an old picture I just fantasised about of her as a kid on a family holiday. How perverse is that? Well I went back downstairs and saw that the pictures were uploaded November 2007. As she is my age, if they were from summer 2007 then she would have been 15. However when I looked at some other pictures from the same album she looked much younger, except for one picture in which she looked older. Could she have just uploaded pictures from an old family holiday? I don't know what to think. The pictures were taken of her sort of walking into the sea from behind. Would parents ever take photos of their teenage daughter like that?

Fuck, I can't handle this. I can't stop crying I always feel depressed now. How could I have done such a terrible thing. Imagine how freaked out she'd be.

I still haven't forgiven myself after many months and I don't know if I ever will

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You fantasized about a girl your own age, Terri.

This is what they call ... normal.

Here's a suggestion: less weed. You do not need random psychotropic drugs wandering around in your system. Your brain is looking for things to seize on, a place to put all your fears that you don't know what to do with. If that keeps happening, maybe one time you'll go see someone about stopping it.

I'm not making fun of you, or tired of hearing from you.

I just wish you'd get yourself the kind of help you need.

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