Back from surgery - penis been everywhere............strange

[performer-uk]

Hi gang,

I'm back home now after having surgery for something called a fistula. Over 2010, I have had diverticulitis which caused the intestine to puncture the bladder and then the two fused and stuff was being passed into bladder = quite bad infections and so forth. I had keyhole surgery and they reckon 6-8 week recovery, though I was up and walking the next day, and am quite young to have this so think I may recover quicker.

Anyways, its odd to see how much of this worry and syndrome is almost a luxury. I dont mean to put anyone down or belittle the feelings, but having been really sick since July (and getting graudually worse since early 2010), alot has happened that made me question the time and effort spent on the small penis syndrome.

In the hospital (my second visit) the nurse explained how they would catheter me because the bladder cant be stitched. Instantly Im thinking "my penis is too small, this operation will fail". And without hestitation I blurted it out. Trust me, hiding things becomes less important when you think you are going to be sliced open and have something fail because of it. Nurse was very understanding (as she drew spots on me that would be for colostomy bags if I needed them) and she took one look at my penis and said not to worry. I spent the next 48 hours having my system emptied which was quite harsh and dehydrating, but now my obsession was with avoiding colostomy bags.

All the time I was getting recognised by members of staff who had seen my shows or whose children Ive taught etc etc. right down to the people that put you to sleep. I woke up and joy of joys no colostomy bags, and nurses checking me over that catheter was fine. Nobody made fun, nobody was anything other than professional, I cannot thank them enough.

Day after operation physios show up - very hot young ones too, one blonde one brunette to "walk me". As I get out of bed all dizzy my gown catches on the bed and Im totally exposed, penis, with a yellow tube sticking out. I protest saying its not normally this size (it had shrunk too!!!) and again the women were very professional, getting me covered up, saying the blood is needed elsewhere, dont worry, and Im there still trying to convince them to come back later etc when I might be of better size. They didnt laugh, they didnt do anything other than their job.

I get to come home and have a visiting nurse who changed wound dressings, and removed stitches etc. and yesterday got the catheter removed after 3 weeks. It really did sting as it was pulled out, but not painfully, just you are aware of it. The nurse had to hold my penis as she pulled out the catheter. Again, no making fun, no comments and no hints of anything other than doing her job. Trust me, I learned performing I tend to read people and can be very suspicious in looking for the underlying signs that later they will be off to make fun of me at the bar, or inside they are laughing hellaciously while maintaining a very good front. I doubt thats been the case anytime here.

All the while too I have had a girl who lives around 3 hours away checking in via text message (cell phones) and facebook, and is determined for us to be an item, and have sex. The catheter has been a good excuse for any penis problems I may have, but I think once better I will take her up on it, she is a nice girl too. Im in a weird place because alot has happened, and I doubt I can ever be the same again - habits wise I can do exactly what I always did, but the sense of genuinely fearing the penis and size I dont think will ever be as intense or as genuine. Life doesnt seem as important in those areas anymore.

Get this too, while I been sick my pops had an anal fissure. He went to the toilet and saw blood in the bowl. He had tests and is fine, no polyps etc. but he chose not to tell me or anyone else, because I was sick. I only found out because I found medicine and thought I had mislaid it only to find out it was his. I could then see he had been worried and unable to tell anyone, even his own family. When I saw that, I remember thinking THESE are real important things from important people that matter to me. I felt so self indulgent worrying about my penis and my standing in the community. Dont get me wrong these feelings come back, but having had this kind of year in 2010, a degree of perspective has come to me.

Not sure how helpful this long story is, but again just wanted to share.

[IrmaJean]

I'm sorry you went through such an ordeal, performer-uk. I'm glad you are on the road to recovery now. Thanks for checking in. I hope things continue to improve for you. Take care.

[Guest ASchwartz]

Hi Performer,

Interesting story. Clealy, none of the nurses acted as though there was anything abnormal about your penis. Instead, they were "matter of fact" about it. In fact, one nurse said that the blood is flowing somewhere else now. What she meant was that you could not get an erection at that time.

What does that tell you?

Allan

[performer-uk]

Hi Performer,

Interesting story. Clealy, none of the nurses acted as though there was anything abnormal about your penis. Instead, they were "matter of fact" about it. In fact, one nurse said that the blood is flowing somewhere else now. What she meant was that you could not get an erection at that time.

What does that tell you?

Allan

Yes, exactly - and I can tell you in hospital especially it was even smaller than usual! When the nurse came to my house to remove catheter it was more normal for what it is.

Thing is though I also used it as a chance to talk to people who came to visit me and tell the "two nice physio" story - I know I wasnt confessing to them about the whole "syndrome", but was quite liberating to tell people "its small dammit, how about that" and us both laugh at the story.

I remember playing rugby in the past one of the team did have small penis and he would have no shortage of ladies, and he;d be very open about it, often joking "even the women have bigger dicks than me", quite clearly his life was not affected so.

[Catmom]

What an inspiring story about perspective and it's effect on one's life experience. You have given me a lot to think about.

I think everyone has their own "small penis" issue that causes shame.

Thank you for sharing all this, performer-uk!!!!

Catmom

[Guest ASchwartz]

Performer,

Is it possible that judgments about size is a matter of perspective, a matter of perception?

Allan

[performer-uk]

Performer,

Is it possible that judgments about size is a matter of perspective, a matter of perception?

Allan

Is it possible to have a more loaded question?

hahahahah - Im kidding of course - you are totally right.

I'm trying to keep myself from slipping into old habits or ways of thinking.

The female in question who is desperate for me to get better and go to see her recently told me she broke up with a guy because she couldnt get satisfied sexually. Its not like she was bad about it, she loved him and they were together for years, just that they had tried everything and it wasn;t working for her. He became down about it and they called it off.

I was sat there listening thinking, DAMN this woman can be sexually unfulfilled, damn, I have no experience, damn this tiny penis, its all over, and gradually talking myself out of going to see her before I even gave it a go.

Then I remembered the saying about your thoughts being like a tv that is always on in the corner. Thoughts will come as they please, its the ones you latch onto and give power that can be trouble - no point trying to stop them - its like shouting at the tv to play different programmes.

So I just wrote them off as the "small penis" thoughts and got on with the day, recovering as best I can!

[Guest ASchwartz]

Hi Performer,

I am happy to see that you have a sense of humor.

Don't assume that this woman was not sexually satisfied with her ex boy friend because of the size of his penis. He might and probably did have lots of problems, such as, not getting an erection, losing his erection, having an erection but having premature ejaculation, etc. There are thousands of problems a man and a couple can have. Also, she may have a problem experiencing orgasm, a common problem for many women.

Allan:)