Waterman Posted October 21, 2010 Report Share Posted October 21, 2010 this is the first time i have ever discussed thisthe background first.. i was sexually abused by an older relative when i was young, 11ish and it went on infrequently for the best part of a year, being immature with my feelings i didn't understand that what he was doing was wrong i thought it was all a game which led me to do sexual things with a friend of the same age and getting caught by his mother. this obviously led to the end of our life long friendship and him suffering extremely from it, my parents being distressed asked me if i had been molested by anyone and i denied it because i found the whole thing extremely embarrassing so they asked me if i wanted to see a psych and a said yes, after becoming more comfortable with my doc we spoke about it and i told him that i only though of it as a game and never in a million years would have brought me to hurt my friend.. i never told him about me being abused i was to scared and embarrassed. my friend and his family moved town and i never got the chance to apologise to this day i wish i could say sorry for all the pain i caused him, a pain that will probably follow him for the rest of his lifethis made me realise how much harm my abuser had done to me and how far id taken me to realise and it led to a bit of a private hell for a few years until i finally decided to do something about it.. i could live my life hating a human and hating myself for being lured into and not doing anything about it earlier it or i could forgive him for causing me so much harm.. i chose the latter. i have not seen him since and i do not wish to see him but at least in my mind i am at easemy late teens where the best time of my life had many great friends and relationships with girls and got sent to europe to study which changed my life, in a way it was an even better way to leave the past behind and start from scratch, i left college at 16 and told my parents that i did not want their support anymore.. sonow at 22 still living in europe i find myself in the top of my game with a great job that has allowed me to travel all around the world a great girlfriend that i love and enough money in my pocket to buy a sports cari consider myself extremely lucky but i have an issue which has been eating into my conscience for the past 3 years. i find myself looking into websites with photos of underage boys nakedat first i thought nothing of it and the first year and a half of it in became routine, then i went into cycles.. 3 months of not even thinking about it and a week of looking at them every night and now even tho i have a healthy sexual relationship with my girlfriend i will watch normal porn one day and then another day c/p .. its like my mind does it for me and i loose control over it .. i am a strong believer of getting to the bottom of your problems and trying to fix them, so i stopped myself going to those websites but instead i found myself going to a website where people write erotic stories about boys with other boysi don't know if its a step forward or two steps back again its like cycles i had completely forgotten about it for the last 6 months or so and then yesterday i found myself on that website so today i'm opening up here... i am proud for doing this this is my darkest secret.. its like part of me is getting on with life accepting the past and dealing with it and part of me wants to stay behind.. i know i cant change my past but im not going to let it ruin my future but still sometimes i find myself with this urge to go to this website.i would never do anything to to harm a child because i know what its like to be harmed, i can be around boys and not think about them sexually it does not cross my mind, but its just like now and again i go into this mode where i don't think about how wrong it is and how much it harms me and it could harm otherscould someone give me some advice please i found this forum to be very helpful with similar topics so here i am today mr moderator i am not a spammer could you place this in the correct area thanksWTMN Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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