here it goes

[Waterman]

this is the first time i have ever discussed this

the background first..

i was sexually abused by an older relative when i was young, 11ish and it went on infrequently for the best part of a year,

being immature with my feelings i didn't understand that what he was doing was wrong i thought it was all a game which led me to do sexual things with a friend of the same age and getting caught by his mother.

this obviously led to the end of our life long friendship and him suffering extremely from it, my parents being distressed asked me if i had been molested by anyone and i denied it because i found the whole thing extremely embarrassing so they asked me if i wanted to see a psych and a said yes,

after becoming more comfortable with my doc we spoke about it and i told him that i only though of it as a game and never in a million years would have brought me to hurt my friend.. i never told him about me being abused i was to scared and embarrassed.

my friend and his family moved town and i never got the chance to apologise

to this day i wish i could say sorry for all the pain i caused him, a pain that will probably follow him for the rest of his life

this made me realise how much harm my abuser had done to me and how far id taken me to realise and it led to a bit of a private hell for a few years until i finally decided to do something about it..

i could live my life hating a human and hating myself for being lured into and not doing anything about it earlier it or i could forgive him for causing me so much harm.. i chose the latter. i have not seen him since and i do not wish to see him but at least in my mind i am at ease

my late teens where the best time of my life had many great friends and relationships with girls and got sent to europe to study which changed my life, in a way it was an even better way to leave the past behind and start from scratch, i left college at 16 and told my parents that i did not want their support anymore.. so

now at 22 still living in europe i find myself in the top of my game with a great job that has allowed me to travel all around the world a great girlfriend that i love and enough money in my pocket to buy a sports car

i consider myself extremely lucky but i have an issue which has been eating into my conscience for the past 3 years.

i find myself looking into websites with photos of underage boys naked

at first i thought nothing of it and the first year and a half of it in became routine, then i went into cycles.. 3 months of not even thinking about it and a week of looking at them every night

and now even tho i have a healthy sexual relationship with my girlfriend i will watch normal porn one day and then another day c/p .. its like my mind does it for me and i loose control over it ..

i am a strong believer of getting to the bottom of your problems and trying to fix them, so i stopped myself going to those websites but instead i found myself going to a website where people write erotic stories about boys with other boys

i don't know if its a step forward or two steps back

again its like cycles i had completely forgotten about it for the last 6 months or so and then yesterday i found myself on that website so today i'm opening up here...

i am proud for doing this this is my darkest secret.. its like part of me is getting on with life accepting the past and dealing with it and part of me wants to stay behind..

i know i cant change my past but im not going to let it ruin my future

but still sometimes i find myself with this urge to go to this website.

i would never do anything to to harm a child because i know what its like to be harmed, i can be around boys and not think about them sexually it does not cross my mind,

but its just like now and again i go into this mode where i don't think about how wrong it is and how much it harms me and it could harm others

could someone give me some advice please

i found this forum to be very helpful with similar topics so here i am today

mr moderator i am not a spammer could you place this in the correct area

thanks

WTMN

[malign]

Well, Waterman,

You're clearly not a spammer. Welcome. :-)

Would you like to pick the forum? It could easily fit into either Sexuality or Abuse. I guess it depends on which part you feel is most pertinent.

As a quick answer, my experience talking to people who were abused has been that the events often resurface as problems later, if the choice is made not to address them earlier. Is therapy an option you would consider trying again?

[Waterman]

well you put it that way it could be a bit of both

but sexuality .

im not going into denial but as weird as it sounds i am comfortable with the fact that i got abused. maybe that is going a bit into denial i dont know!

the beauty of a place like this is that people can come in and open up, just like i did an hour ago from lying on my bed jumped out and wrote this.

as much as i would like to have therapy my job keeps me in different places all the time often spending long periods of time away.

opening up to a therapist its like a relationship which requires trust which comes with time spent together, time that i cant give him

[spiritual_emergency]

Hello Waterman. It's my understanding that a number of females also go through something similar wherein, they will find themselves "re-enacting" some aspect of their earlier abuse.

I'm not near as well read in this area as I am in others but a few theories I've heard/read as to why individuals might do so are:

- The individual might believe it's all they deserve.

- The actions/behaviors may have become eroticized.

- They may be repeating the pattern with the hopes of making the situation turn out differently.

This link seemed to have some good information as well as some book suggestions: Sexual Abuse of Males: Prevalence, Possible Lasting Effects and Resources

Perhaps you could start by reading through the site and some books on the subject and then make a decision as to whether or not you wish to look at therapy for yourself. If you did make that decision, there probably is a way you could do so, even if you do travel around frequently. For example, some therapists do offer "online therapy" these days. You might also be able to make use of peer based support (other people who have undergone similar experiences) and self-help resources such as books, articles, pamphlets, etc.

Good luck to you in your recovery.

[Guest ASchwartz]

Hi Waterman,

Welcome to our community.

It is awful that you were abused by an adult when you were a child. Children are innocent and, of course, it felt like a game to you at the time. It is also very, very common for children to engage in some "homosexual" play, from time to time and without emotional harm. What happened with your friend appears to me to be a case of a well meaning parent getting overly involved and scared while being unaware of child behavior.

As for the pornography you have been looking at, I tend to think, and this is just a guess, that it is more an aspect of heterosexual curiosity more than anything else. It seems to make you feel very uncomfortable and, on that basis, I advise you to stop.

What do you think?

Allan

[Waterman]

Dear allan, thank you very much for your advice.

I have now been 3 months without looking at this kind of images and feel very happy a big weight off my back,

i want to write a letter to my friend and apologise and ask him to forgive me, do you think this would be a good idea?

[Guest ASchwartz]

Waterman,

This is a matter of opinion and, in my opinion, I see no reason for you to ask your friend for forgiveness. What do you think?

Also, I am happy a weight has been lifted off of you.

Allan