Between a Rock and a Hard Place

[Athena]

I’m looking for some suggestions out of a dilemma I’m going through. I started cutting myself back in April due to my reaction to my very unsympathetic “type A” female divorce lawyer, who told me “It’s your fault, you shouldn’t have married the guy, you shouldn’t have had kids, so SUCK IT UP!!!” By that point, my deadbeat ex had been threatening to “take me to the cleaners” (not at all a role reversal, I was both breadwinner and mother, and he was merely an incredibly expensive, nasty spermdonor who refused to work or take care of the kids despite his university degree).

I continued cutting until July of this year, when I showed up at a terrifying mediation meeting prior to which I had taken painkillers and tranquilizers (which normally don’t have much of an effect), which apparently made me “incoherent” in this particular meeting. Anyway my ex’s lawyer took that small error in judgement plus the fact that my 9 year old had reported to her Dad that I had been cutting myself as an excuse to go for full custody of my kids (Even though my ex was quite happy having joint custody and can’t cope with more than that anyway, cause he can't even change their beds or go shopping for clothes with them and I'm pretty certain has never EVER cut their toenails, set up a playdate, organized extracurricular activities or other ordinary but rather important stuff like that!).

So I couldn’t see my kids for a month, children’s aid got involved (actually already were involved because their Dad was hitting them) to investigate me (I am declared a fit mother by them), but I am still terrified by the lawyers. The threat of having my kids taken away deterred me from that crisis day until last night. But I'm still under massive stress with continued threats from my ex. My kids were fighting and I just “lost it”. Alcohol didn’t work. Couldn’t remember any of my other coping strategies. I was beside myself and before I knew it there I was with the razor blade. Locked the bathroom door, cut my wrist, patched myself up, hid the bandaid under my sleeve and put the kids to bed like nothing had happened.

The problem is, I feel a need to tell my therapist. I feel like he can’t help me if I withhold stuff like this. However if I tell him and my ex’s lawyer’s pulls a stunt like getting access to my medical records, then I am screwed. I figure he’d take the kids just to spite me and get more $$$$ for himself, blow all my savings and there’d be nobody there to protect my kids from him. So this secret just festers inside me.

Any suggestions what to do?