I Give Up

[Anguish]

Since May I've lost my beloved cat who died right in front of my eyes, and my dad from "end-stage dementia". My mom and I were his in-home caregivers for the past 5 years (my mother is now 81 and we're the only family--the others live 250 miles away). I have no siblings, no husband, no kids, I'm on SSI and Medicaid so forget telling me to try DBT (I'm dx'd--currently--with BPD and dysthymia). I cannot afford it and it isn't offered at the Mental Health Clinic, which is my only resource.

I posted a long explanation before but it all got lost, so I'm not wasting any more words.

Except that I hate, hate, hate BPD (and being hated for having it), and I wish I had never been born.

And don't tell me I'm just experiencing grief now and that I'll feel better. I've felt this way for decades and over time it's only gotten worse.

I'm sick of fighting. I'm sick of "living". I'm sick to death of being me.

Edited September 25, 2008 by Anguish
italization didn't work

[Mark]

Not that this will help you with the past lost post, but it is often useful (when writing for any online forum) to compose in a word processor or text editor and then copy-paste into the forum. You are less likely to lose your work that way.

You are certainly carrying a heavy load right now with the many losses and isolation and lack of resources. All of which contributes to depression feelings and to a feeling of helplessness/hopelessness. There aren't easy answers to these problems. All I can say is that it helps to talk about it, and that if you want to talk about it and share some of the load, members of this community will be able to relate and help you feel less alone. I hope you will do that.

I know that there are plenty of people who correspond on this site who can relate to Anguish's situation. How's about some of you say hello?

Mark

[nightfalls]

Hi Anguish

I am so sorry to hear of your losses,

I also feel for your current feelings it must be hard to want help, know that help exists, but not have access to it. Also the label that sometimes can go along with a dx of BPD. But people that know how it feels also knows where you are and how hard you try, so you have to always keep trying as hard as it is don't ever stop. I have anxiety and depression but struggle with feelings and urges that make me question if there is more going on I have not been dx with BPD but a SW once said I have traits whatever that means. When I looked it up I felt more discouraged because of how the information got presented to me but there is still much hope and time for hope. I don't have much I can say to offer but there is alot of people who can relate and understand how you feel and so hopefully you can have support and find peace. Please take care:)

[paula]

Hi Anguish

I know how your feeling as I too suffer with BPD. I tend to isolate myself away from the community! I find human beings, hard work! I don't answer my door, answer my phone, (I let the machine deal with all that) and only go out when I have to (Appointments).

I can relate to the mood swings, as they come on all of a sudden with no warning! I sometimes ask the Lord, what have I done to deserve this!

One thing to remember....... Mental Illness isn't anyone's fault! All you can do is accept the fact that you could alway's have it? Treated with medical help, it can be controlled. Treat it the best you can and go on. It's not the end of the world! It's just a new start, to a new beggining?

[mscat]

I too, do not answer the phone, go out, keep the blinds closed and stay in the dark , where it is quiet... I have BPD and it seems to always come back to haunt me through out the yrs. Since 16 to be exact. NO it is not fun, and it does hurt.

I have clinical depression too, along with low thyroid ... Aparently I have a huge issue with anxiety too, and on 5 different medications. Also have SI"D very severely on more the one occasion .

I too am on Social Security Disability, and trying to raise a teenager who has A high functioning autism with cognitive delays....

A lot of day I rather sleep and never wake up. I have had actually caregiving support services for my son and I too... I am not Dying per saym just that everyday it seems lke A part of me is going away.

I understand how important A pet is too. I had to give 4 kitties away beofre, and after that I sunk . Now I have a puppy and she is the only joy in my life.

i can relate to you.

[paula]

Hi Mscat

I'm glad you found happiness in your puppy! I find happiness in my cat. I adopted him 3/4yrs ago. I was watering my flowers in my back garden and he was sat outside my gate. I have a wrought iron gate so he could see in.

I only noticed him because he came over to me and started licking the water out of my hand. I thought he must be thirsty as it was a scorching hot day and offered him a drink of water. He drank the water, so me being the person that I am, felt sorry for him so I opened him a tin of tuna and gave him that. You should of seen him eat, it was as if he hadn't eaten for day's.

When I got up for work the next morning, he was sat on my bench where I had left him the previous night. I had no food for him and went to work as normal. when I finished work at the evening and went home, he was still sat on the bench.

So...... I went to the Supermarket and bought him some food. I did notice though that he had a sore paw and was limping badly! Well....... Again, being the person that I am, took him to the Vets and explained to the vets what the situation was. But I said to the vets that I could not see the poor thing in pain and I would gladly pay for any treatment that he needed, and would be taking him back home with me.

The Vet scanned him to see if he was Microchipped and he was. Infact he was already registered at their vets. He was a big ginger tom. Had been neutered, and because he was ginger, I decided to call him Tigger out of Winnie the pooh!

Do you know funnily enough, after a few days of this cat staying on my bench I started to call him tigger and he followed me straight away. When I used to call him he would show up! I said to my neighbours, that I think I've got a right intelligent cat, because of the time of knowing him that he was answering to his name of tigger already?

Going back to the vets. They informed me that he was owned but couldn't give me any details till they ahad spoken to his owners. She informed me that either way, the owners would get intouch with me or the vets would get intouch with me.

A few days later I recieved a call of his owners. They infofmed me that they used to live round the corner from me but had moved to the other end of town and took Tigger with them, eight months previously! They said they had been up for him 5x times and took him back with them, only that he would get out and come straight back here.

They asked me if I wanted to keep him and because by this time, he had gotten used to me, I replied yes. They informed me that they had got him from a cats home, two years previously. That when they got him he had been a rescue cat. They said that the previous owners to them, had kicked him around like a football, And when the R.S.P.C.A had gotten to him and took him to the vets. (a different vets to mine) That practicular every bone in his body was broke, and it had took just over 2yrs for all his bones to heal at the vets.

Well........ As you can imagine, That made me want him even more! I broke my heart when I found out! They had tied his front legs and back legs together so he couldn't get away. If I could of gotten hold of them, I would probably be writing this post from a prison cell!

One thing I had to ask her was, what was his name? And you know what she told me? TIGER! I had to laugh! I told her that I had called him TIGGER! and thought that I had a very inteligent cat because he came when I called his name.

At least it all ended on a good note! I still have him to this day! It must of been a male who cruely abused him, because he's very weary of males. Doesn't matter boy or man, he won't go near males. Apart from my son, and that's because my sons lives here with us. But any quick movement and he still jumps. Obviously, still afraid! Its something that I don't think that he's going to forget!

[mscat]

That is A nice story. Your Tigger is very smart, and found you !He sensed something special about you, and you were chosen by him! I am very glad you kept him because he seemed like he belonged to you in the first place. i can't ever understand why any one would ever abuse an animal .That to me, is horrific.

My Puppy is A Yorkie . She is 7 months old, and is incredible. I do not get along well with people for many reasons, but, Animals have an unconditionl love for their owners. They can help people in so many ways . I believe Most people who are suffering from illness benifits from A pet. the ederly also can be happier with a dog or cat as a companion.

[Anguish]

My Amber was a ginger cat too--over here we call them orange tabbies, but they're still ginger cats! Actually she wasn't all orange, she was part orange and part white (cream color, really). I'd say she was about half one color and half the other. But her tail was long and orange and striped--she was such a beautiful girl, she was so sweet and so funny, she always comforted me no matter how bad I felt!

I found her at a local animal shelter when she was about four and a half months old--it was love at first sight. I loved her so much, I always will. She was my heart! She had the happiest disposition you ever saw--it seemed like she was always smiling, I would swear sometimes I could look at her and see her laughing! She loved life so much!!

Ohhh, now I'm starting to cry. It's strange, I can't really cry about my father, I guess I'm glad he's not suffering from that horrible dementia anymore, and he lived a good long life--he was 86 when he died, and he hadn't been himself for nearly 5 years.

But Amber was like a child to me, and she fought so hard to live. I really, truly thought she would beat that awful cardiomyopathy--she even amazed the specialists who were treating her. I never really believed I would lose her. When I did, it broke my heart. I still can't think about her without crying like a baby, even tho I know she didn't like seeing me sad. She wanted everybody to be happy! She was so incredibly loving and funny and sweet.

She would have been 12 years old on July 4th, Independence Day--I used to tease her that all the fireworks and celebrations meant that the whole country was celebrating her birthday!!

Paula, I'm so glad you found Tigger, it sounds like the two of you were meant for each other! It's wonderful that you've given him a good, loving home--how horrible that anyone would abuse a sweet kitty like that, I agree with you, if I could get my hands on the criminals who did that, I'd be sitting in jail right beside you lol! Please give him a big hug and kiss from me!!

And Mscat, I'm glad you've given your puppy a good home too. I know how much comfort our furbabies can be, and they all deserve loving families. Please give her a hug and kiss too!!

My mom wants us to adopt another little cat before long, I think she especially wants another little girl cat.

I want one too, the house is just too quiet now, but I guess I'm scared--I don't know how I could handle losing another one that I had learned to love...

I think it would just break my heart all over again. :confused:

Thanks for the replies, everyone.

[mscat]

I have found that A cat or dog brings great joy in our lives. It helps people who are trying to cope with being alive and keep going. Animals are sensitive, and are always their to give us comfort.

I highly reccomend a pet in a home especialluy if you are struggling to get stable from illness , or any thing.

A cat or dog will love you and not judge you. It is a pure love that they give back unconditionally.

I am very happy to have My Yorkie Puppy Suzi. She is a a little ball of energy, and gives sweet puppy kisses all the time. she has brought me to smiles before. Thankfully she is here with me .

[Catmom]

I was just browsing around the site & usually don't look in the personality issues forum & here I find a touching post from Anguish about losses (pet and human) in her family.

I'd like to take this opportunity to extend my condolences to Anguish. I have lost both parents & a brother from my immediate family and have lost several beloved cats & dogs as well.

My little terrier Vivi died of congestive heart failure in Oct 2006. Eight months later I adopted a 6 month old Papillon female who I named Emma (after my mother's aunt, who died before I was born).

Anyway, this dog is such a huge joy in my life. She is beautiful and smart, if I do say so myself. I am now taking her to her second obedience class and a beginning agility class, as well. I have had three dogs since I graduated from college in 1982. Each time it breaks my heart when they die but I always find something unique to cherish in each successive dog.

Catmom

P.S. Just in case you think my screen name is a misnomer, I have two cats in my furfamily as well.

[mscat]

Hey Catmom, I am mscat and chose that screename because I taught preschool for over20 years. The little children always called me MS Cathy. All the time , all day long I was Ms Cathy , so naturally it stuk with me .

I too have had kitties and loved them very much. Now that i have my puppy which is my first pup by myself , i am absolutley smitten by her.

[Catmom]

Believe me, I know just what you mean.

Catmom

[WinterSky]

Hi Anguish, I am so sorry for your losses that you have been through. Yes I am a cat person as well. I have had cats before. They are the perfect pet, IMO. Their tongues are dry and clean (I guess!), they are so affectionate. My last cat knew how I was feeling and would always love me and take care of ME.

I have been dx'd with bipolar (former dx major depression), PTSD (with panic attacks), suicidal ideation, etc. I have found recently that I really don't want to die, per se. I just don't want to live with certain facts and problems in my life. I have yet to realize what I can and cannot change. I am trying to communicate more accurately, think more accurately, etc.

The loves of my life were 4 budgies (budgerigars, aka wild type parakeets) who I gave up because of my inability to care for them. My therapist and my sister thought I did the wrong thing but if you do not regularly clean the cage or go grocery shopping, the guilt sinks in and you do not feel worthy of them. (This is embarrassing but I have self care problems.) I could not keep up. Also I had an emergency in March and could not go to the hospital because I did not have anyone to watch my birds. I could not just leave them. So I arranged the guy that took my first two last year to take my other two last March.

They are doing well and look very happy and healthy. My favorite out of my four birds was Winter the hen, an albino. She was so cute and sweet.

I hope things get better for you Anguish.....

[mscat]

Animal loss is just as painful as losing a family member . I know my Yorkie is what keeps me going at times. She is so sweet and gives me comfort .

[paula]

Hi Anguish & All

Sorry I've just got back to you, I've not been to good of late so not been on line much!

I felt I had to reply, Because you go on about your Amber being a ginger cat too? My tigger is not all ginger also. He is ginger & white and striped also.

If you go on my profile page and look under my photo albums, I have a photo of my tigger in there. You can see what he looks like now.

He's the apple of my eye along with my son Brad.

It was funny really. I took him to the Vets two weeks ago because when I got him, remember I mentioned that he had a sore paw. Well......... The vets say it is a ulcer and what they do is give him Steroid Injections every three months to keep it at bay. It's gone now but it sometimes starts to re-occur. Then off to the vets we go for his injection.

About two weeks ago, I was bringing him home from the vets. I had him in a cat carrier and he was sat on my sons knee in the front of the car. I was driving. Well....... He hates the vets, so my son decided to come with us because you would of thought I was trying to kill him, the amount of noise he was making. Also, it was such a hot day aswell. I was driving along with him and I like to talk softly to him. I read in a book once that a cat is only settled when you talk in low pitches to them. That when you talk loudly, then it frighten's them. So I'm talking softly to him and all the time I'm stroking him through the open bits of space at the top of the carrier. All of a sudden he put his paw out and wrapped it round my finger, as if to say 'don't leave me'. I got all choked up about it! He's never done anything like that before. I had to pull the car over and re-assure him that I wasn't leaving him anywhere? Even my son at 21yrs old felt it.

There so clever you know! I love him to bits!

[mscat]

My Little yorkie puppy Suzi is so special. I have only actually self injured twice sice bringing her home. that is pretty good for me to have just done it two times since May!

i have some nasty 2nd degree burns as of now, so have to b e careful for not to pop the blisters. She did last time! The littel srinker.

My therapists knows about the new burns, and has seen them, gosh he is use to it, lol.

[Anguish]

Thanks so much for the kind words, everyone! Your sympathy means a lot!

Probably after Christmas, my mom and I will get a new kitty. First we have to do a major rehaul of the house (have electricity thoroughly checked out, stuff like that we kept putting off!!!), get everything cleaned up, put my new bed in my room and rearrange some furniture--boring stuff, lol, but it needs doing and it'll take some time.

We'll also probably spend Christmas with relatives up in North Carolina (about 250 miles away), and I would hate to have to board a new kitty for several days just after getting her. A new baby cat needs time to adjust to her new family, after all!

So anyway, I expect it will be soon after Christmas--when we're back home and settled down--that we'll go to one of the local shelters and pick out a new kitty.

You're right--our furbabies are truly blessings to us and I don't know how anyone manages without them!!