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27 and as pure as the driven snow.


Release
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Hello, as with most people here I am just looking for some perspective on my present situation.

First I figured I should tell everyone a little bit about myself. I am 27 years old. I suppose you could call me generally successful. I am a college graduate from a good school, I am working in an interesting job that pays me about three times what most guys my age are making, own a car, and have been living independently since I graduated. I have great siblings, am an uncle, and have a solid group of friends, though only a select few know anything about me in this regard.

I am a virgin, and it bothers me. As you might expect I've pit a lot of time into analyzing why this is so. I find myself at an interesting cross roads in my life, I have done a lot to try and solve this issue physically. One year ago I was easily 100lbs overweight. I lost 65 lbs so far this year and am a mere 32 lbs from my goal weight. This has done a lot for my confidence and comfort level around women, but unfortunately there are some things I just can't shake, some feelings that persist in my mind. My bodies changed but my mind isn't healthy.

I was overweight from the age of 12 to 26. Rather important years in term of social development. I took a lot of shit to say the least from lots of people. I was bullied often ad teased, mostly verbally but took a beating now and then, I started school early so I was a bit smaller than my class most of the time. Now I'm six foot four so it's not a problem these days. I was actually taken to see a therapist to try and help me deal with the bullying after one particularly bad incident which left me pretty banged up and averse to the idea of going to school ever again. It didn't help much.

This had a deep impact on my self esteem, and as I grew older and more interested in women sexually the fear and anxiety I felt about myself would cause me to avoid opportunities altogether. This persisted through college even as I had a girlfriend, she was fairly old school so the sexual stuff didn't happen until about a year in, which suited me fine because it allowed me to avoid dealing with my problems. But we never got there because of the fear I felt, and the relationship going long distance and eventually ending for that reason.

I did not date again until this last year after I had lost the weight, it went well but once we got to the sex, I had so much anxiety built up around it that I could not perform, my heart was racing and pumping blood just about everywhere else but were I needed it heh. I played it off as it being the beers fault, but when it happened again I just fessed up, she said some comforting things to me about wanting to work with me on this and that she was happy to be the person to do it, but decided to dump me 3 days later not wanting to deal with it. This was kind of a kick in the gut but I'm pretty much over it.

These days I still feel the anxiety even though I have made strides, and I am afraid that that fear is going to continue to control me as i go forward, basically screwing up any future chances.

As I have lost the weight I find it easier to meet, approach, and engage many more women and get their numbers when I am out. But for some reason when I think about dating them and where that leads, the knot in my stomach appears as I don't call, or don't push it beyond the first call or two to a date.

One other thing that I think has screwed me up a but was my witnessing two major blowups between my parents when I was 19. My dad had an affair an due to how it turned out I was the only sibling to know, or witness the arguments with my own eyes. And I've carried that with me not wanting to tell my siblings because why the hell do they need their illusions shattered like mine were.

Edited by Release
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Welcome to the forums. One thing I have noticed that seems to be recurring in the virgin threads is self esteem issues. I am 31 and a virgin, for different reasons and reasons that are the same. I am not ashamed of it however. Nor should you be. It does not change who we are. Society often shines the wrong light on the wrong things for pure growth of industry. Some cultures virgins are looked at with high respect in fact.. unfortunately the American culture is just not one of them lol.

I will tell you something I was told, I struggle with it myself.. but it is true non the less. Focus on healing, getting yourself ok and the rest should fall in place. As I said I struggle with the whole inner peace. I can keep it for a bit.. then my worries consume me and I let it go.

You got to do that inner journey and find why you have these feelings. Then work on getting better. I am on that journey, keep stumbling half way through but working on it :)

Wish you the best.

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Hello, Release, and welcome. From what you've written, it sounds as though you've made positive progress! It's great that you are engaging more women and talking with them. Try and lessen the pressure you've been placing on yourself about sex by enjoying the moments now. I think we can get caught up in trying to create situations rather than simply being inside of the moments. I know for me if I catch myself doing this, I also often notice that I'm feeling anxious about my expectations. If you continue to do as you've been doing, life may unfold naturally and beautifully for you. Focus on feeling your own strengths. What do you like about yourself? I hope that you continue to socialize and meet many people. I also hope you are feeling better.

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Thanks for the replies thus far, I apreciate them. I definitley am a very logical guy so I see the changes i make and the positive results. I look better and am healthier because of it, and this has allowed at least one or two women I've met recently to see me as a sexual interest versus just a friend, one being the girl who broke it off with me and another as a women I met in a bar with some friends about a month back.

She was very much into me and I got her number, but after some facebook stalking I saw she was in a relationship, and after the issues with my parents infidelities I have very strong feelings about that sort of behavior, so I never called her. But it does at least demonstrate that I can meet women a d they will be sexually attracted.

What I need to deal with is this sort of brainwash I've had put on me over those many years of being told I was fat or ugly or unattractive. It's like I need deprogramming or something. But it's a challenge after you've heard si much negative stuff for such a long time. Today it's not external but all coming from the past, and from my head.

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Just to give the full picture too the teasing, sef esteem issues did cause some other symptoms in the past. Had some serious OCD symptoms when I was like 15 that did become disruptive to my life, but I was able to manage them and train myself to get rid of ten. Now I'm just a fanatical neat freak. These days when I think about my troubles, which is often, I still feel that knot in my stomach that I felt so much during te shitty years and sometimes do feel my eyes welling up a bit, but most of the time I'm fine and able to look at things objectively.

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I am in the same boat. It takes time. I have been working on it for the last 5 years.. Pretty heavy the last 2. Already you have made huge steps!

Your on the right path, it sounds like you have made much faster progress than me. Remember not to be hard on yourself and to know you are a good person worthy of someone :)

But I do know about the "de programming", that is what I struggle with the most. I have certain quirks that comes from the years of low self esteem that hurts me socially. Just today I was writing about one of those quirks that has caused me a ton of grief. I am too quick to jump to the conclusion people don't like me.

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Thanks Man, yeah as I said above I'm only 32 lbs from my goal weight, look totally different now and am getting way more attention and opportunities than before, now its all about my own fucked up mind and gaining some control and confidence. Keep it up as well, it always seems so crazy losing weight, then you lose ten, then twenty, then 40, next thing you know you barely recognize yourself, in a good way.

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  • 6 months later...

Well, I lost my virginity two weeks ago. Met a girl in a bar and got her digits, and it wasn't some one night stand. Actually took about 5 weeks of physical escalation for us to actually go all the way. Which overall I am glad about. Gave me a chance to get to know her and realize she was worth spending that time with.

As I leave that milestone behind me all I can say to anyone who reads this is to really be honest with yourself. Identify what your roadblock is, what is causing your anxiety and fear, and try to come up with a plan to tackle it.

For me it was my weight, I didn't feel good about how I looked, and had zero confidence anyone else would either. And a decade or so of being shit on by others about it didn't help much either. I am now 18 lbs from my goal weight and have a lot more confidence then i used to. Because I was honest about why I was unhappy, and have done a lot to fix it. If you do that, I think we can all have a shot of finding that confidence to go after what we want.

Good luck all..

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Good for you. I also think it is very good that you held out and tried to make the experience a somewhat special one. I know someone earlier mentioned just go to a hooker, but that is not the same was finding a woman that would do it without being offered money. I also feel there is nothing to be ashamed of at all in being a virgin. In fact, as a somewhat young mother (20), I sometimes wish I had held onto mine a little longer until I was mature enough to handle a lot of the things that come with sexual relationships with men. Are you still seeing the girl then? And also, congratulations on almost reaching your goal physical weight. Nothing feels better than working towards and actually attaining something that will help boost your self-esteem in a healthy manner.

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