I feel anxious

[sadgreeneyes]

One week isn´t so long, I wont say that she is using you, but if she loves you its very weird that she chose to withdraw the way she has. But then you have her mother and sister who tells you she loves you. Its not just confusing for you, it doesn´t make sense, if she loves you why is she withdrawing so much as she has, I can only say that this isn`t the way you show you love someone... by withdrawing. Then its back to her ex abuser again and the custody, can this be the reason.

I would say that no matter what it is there needs to be change, she cannot treat you like that, she have to show that she loves you by talking to you much much more. Its not her sister or mothers job to tell you she loves you, even they can support you it must comes from the woman herself by talking to you at least every second day and sends txt too and tell you that she wants to be with you and work with you to find a solution. If she cant do that what does it matter the words, the words can be said for years. If she is not willing to talk to you more than what she does, which is nearly nothing, then I wouldn´t waste my time on her because she knows very well it doesn´t work like that. I think she knows you always are there so she can pull the strings as she wants. I am not sure, maybe she loves you, but then she really needs to put her shoes on, the way she is treating you now is far from fair. I think you need to take a real talk with her and tell her how you feel and that this is making you feel sad, tell her in the way that she will not take it wrong but so that she will understand how you hurt. If she still not seem to change then I must say she´s not worth your time. I hope for you the best, that she change.

[randomperson]

I am very grateful for everyone's support. Your advice, Nathan's it is helping.

Giving me neutral perspectives which I am needing right now really bad.

She is going through a lot..I will say that. She is messed up emotionally.. whether that has anything to do with her treating me odd or not no clue. She even randomly went off to another state last year for several months to live with her brother, she was kicked out had little to no money and still did not come home.

I do want to tell her all that you say more than you can guess.. but I'm not sure what to say or how.

In the past it only seemed to hurt things.

Your right though the way things are going is no good. There needs to be some change of some type. It is getting tiresome.

I hate to put extra pressure on her right now she is going through a lot. Monday she starts college, working double shifts just to make ends meet. Her father died last year.. the custody.

I want to do what is right for both of us. I know I need to talk to her, but finding words that she won't ignore that won't make her worse will be hard.

[sadgreeneyes]

Hi again randomperson,

I understand it is difficult for you what you should do about the situation, I can only advice you to do what is best for you. Only you know how long you are willing to wait, but I would try to talk little to her,you can start very carefully, maybe saying how you miss her and to talk with her. It might be the situation she is in, so follow your gut is the best to do. And if you are ok with waiting then maybe things will be better after a while when things calm down, let us know how its going...all the best to you randomperson.

[randomperson]

Thanks I will. It is tough. I am always split if she is serious or not. As soon as I think one way something happens to make me think the other.

I have in the past talked with her about our problems though not lately.

I do say I miss her. Sometimes it helps to a certain degree, sometimes it actually hurts. There is something going on with her.. I'm not sure what.

..I think she was raped when she was younger. I hate to say it but I think she was.. she was about to tell me something from her past that she was ashamed of but she stopped. She used to tell me everything, I mean everything.. but this one thing she didn't. I think this along with the abuse is messing her up emotionally.. but this is a pure guess.

I don't know what I will do.. honestly my feelings vary depending on the day, the hour sometimes lol.

Everyone has such good advice. In the end the part that keeps sticking me is I love her and think she might love me.. When I did try to leave her I was miserable. Allan said it is normal. But it lasted for almost half a year and only eased when she came a little back into my life.

I also wish you the best as well. We are both in a tough spot. Neither of us knows or can know the intentions of our loves hearts.

I did do one thing I have some hope for. I wrote her sister asking for advice and help healing the rift that is keeping us apart. She has always been there for us both. We would not still be talking at all if not for her. So I will have to wait and see what if anything comes from it.

[sadgreeneyes]

Yes it is tough, maybe its like you say that her past is making her this way...that she struggles now. Maybe it will be better later, I hope so for you as you love her. Mine pressured me again today, same as he did 3 months ago so it seems like he has this other side I worry he has. Its strange, its 3 months ago since last time over net and two days ago I finally got him to promise me affection, and when we talked today he pressure me even more. Gave me orders. It was very difficult for me, couldnt do that, he usually say I´m your husband,but he did let me be after half hour.

Thanks randomperson for wishes:)

[randomperson]

..I kind of wonder if we are both trying too hard. We both keep making excuses for them. True it might be other things causing the problems but they both still have major problems.. I don't know.

I love her deeply but for me I am starting to wonder if it can work out.

I think I just need a little time. Been thinking about writing her like you said.

Simple message just asking if there is something between us. Make it flirty, fun.. but at the same time start putting down my needs. Let her know I can be just friends but if she wants more she needs to be more to me.

..I don't know as I said just thinking.

[sadgreeneyes]

I think its worth it to try as you then will hear what she has to say. I also mean that she has to be little open to you if she wants relationship. You cant do it alone as its needed both of you.

When it comes to mine he is acting sexually abusive, so I dont know what to think and how things will be. Even "I" know that it is abusive, I am not sure yet if "he" knows it is abusive, but I think he knows that it is wrong because he say he understand when he see I dont do what he demands. There are limits in life.

What he asked me was so far from what a husband should order his wife to do.

[randomperson]

I think I will when the time is right. She is just starting college Monday.. so it isn't the best moment. Maybe give her a week. She skipped this entire week writing, see if she writes back and what she says. I have not wrote her in about 3 or 4 days now. She tends to listen to me more if I pause as well when she does. She does not want to totally lose me either.. this I do know.

I still say for both of us.. we keep saying maybe they just don't know.. and we might be right.. but for both of us the problems still exist regardless.. and the bad part I don't see how we can fix it with words alone.

I hope for both of our sakes there are solutions I am not seeing.. but it is as you say they have to want to change.

[sadgreeneyes]

Thanks randomperson, I hope the best for both of us too, in the end it always needs to be two in a relationship in every aspect. Or it wont work.

[randomperson]

Right now I am trying to think what to say to her, when to say it, and how to say it.

It is tricky. I don't want to come off as lecturing, telling her what to do or feel. I also don't want to come of as desperate or super worried.

Last messages she sent she was even acting as we were dating.. though doubtful maybe she is just busy.. if that was true I would come across very bad if I don't state this message just right. At the same time there has to be change. I need to get it across to her somehow that we both need to try if this is going to work out.

..I just don't know what to say or if words will change anything.

But I know eventually I need to say something. If for nothing else to give me peace of mind where I feel ok (trying) to date people close to me.

She never gets how serious things are until it is almost too late.

[sadgreeneyes]

I hope she understand the seriousness when you talk to her, you can say it so she understands..talk it easy. I wish you good luck, randomperson, I hope all goes your way:)

[randomperson]

Her sister wrote last night, said she thinks things are ok that she is just scared of getting close to me because she has been hurt so much in the past.

Said that we both need to be patient and believe in each other and everything will be ok. I hope it is that simple.

I wrote just a second ago. Hoping for the best I'll keep you posted.

[sadgreeneyes]

I´m glad to hear that, hope everything will turn out the best:) I am more positive too now because a plan I had did work out the way I wanted too. So now my husband says he wants me to come:)

[randomperson]

That is great! I so hope everything works out for you. You deserve it!

Honestly though I think I'm kidding myself. No matter what it is be it emotional problems on either of our parts or her just using me, logically I just don't see how it can work out. Sad part is I have to see it through or I will always wonder. I just know me.

[sadgreeneyes]

Thank you randomperson, I hope all will be normal when I see him again, that he can show this love and affection he has promised me, I know that if he is the same as last time I dont think I can continue with him as it is destroying the marriage about fully.

I know what you mean with what you say, I too think the same about my situation, like if you dont go through it you will not see the outcome and you will wonder what would happen if you did wait and so on..I think the same,but I think it will hurt me too much to could ever go on if he doesnt change, I dont have health to live in insecurity and sadness and with a husband who cant show me love. It will be very hard to leave him down there if I must leave without any affection or closeness. I think also I have to tell him before I go see him that it must be this affection or I cannot continue. I know that if he truly loves me he will make it up to me. Its nearly that I get scared of go see him in fear of having to leave home without it. I dont know how I will go through that pain. But he needs to realize that a marriage doesnt survive this way. Its too painful.