My cold lonely childhood

[sadgreeneyes]

I have just written about the hurt from my husband who is in other country, wrote about it under the category "anxiety".

I am in a vulnerable situation because I´m waiting for my husband who lives in other country and I dont get my emotional needs met.

I called my father back today and it went ok for some minutes, the he said he will give this psychopath woman he has lived with a new chance, ( my father has been abusive in childhood, not that I care that much he´s still with that woman, but maybe I was little disappointed, anyway...I was very surprised and he continued talking about all what`s going on around them, even I asked him a question about that woman he had already talked enough about her and her daughters ( who he once called "his children" and never mentioned me and my sis. I suddenly started to cry and told him how tired I am of hearing about them all the time. I couldnt talk in the end because I cried and had to hold my breath. He said he wold stop talking about them.

I calmed down but after being little ok again for half a minute I started cry again. I think started to cry because I dont feel to good in my marriage because he´s not here and other reasons I am not sure of so I think I am very vulnerable at the moment.

And at the top of it I had to hear my father talk about them all the time, it hurts me as they, my father and his woman threw me out at age 15 and he stopped care since. And he dare to talk and talk about her and them all the time. Even I was a part of it, making him talking about them, I got an outbreak for the "FIRST" time in my life, crying. Now I feel shame over having cried as I never wanted my father to know I am vulnerable. But I know this happened because I´m already crying in my marriage for reasons I´m not sure about.

I feel bad for crying now,I didnt want this to happen, how do I deal with this from now? I have feeling I dont want to neither talk or see him again as I made myself vulnerable. I hate that I cried on phone for him to hear.

[finding my way]

greeneyes, if you can, please don't turn away from yourself. Maybe start by recognizing that it is happening. You had a very difficult childhood and you need to get some healing from that. These relationships you are in are extremely painful and they seem to only repeat the situation of childhood. Can you get into some good therapy to get on better footing with yourself? Repeatedly going back to unsafe relationships replays the drama of your past. There is a place to get to where being vulnerable is safe and ok. You may need help to find that place, but it exists.

[sadgreeneyes]

Hi findingmyway,

thank you for replying to me, I want to start therapy but I´m unsure will it help me, but the reason why I´m so slow ( years going by) getting therapy isnt because I let it fade away consciously, most of the time I just forget myself and repress my past, thank you for saying and reminding me of not turning away from myself. I´m not sure who my husband is, a good man or not, I see he is good, but he has something that makes me think can he be an abuser.

The outbreak came because I feel so vulnerable with my marriage, go and wait for him and the things that happen down in Jordan, and when I heard that my father gave that women a new chance and talked about them,I guess it just got too much for me.

It would be good to have such a place where I could cry and not feel ashamed crying. Its just that I "am" afraid of crying, its very difficult for me to cry in front of other people. But how come I´m not afraid of crying in front of a boyfriend/man, like now in my marriage I´m not afraid crying in front of him, I dont feel shame crying then, its only in front of family and strangers. I guess that is normal?

[finding my way]

The trouble with unresolved issues from our past is that they repeat and repeat as a pattern in our lives until we learn the lesson. One way to break the pattern is to go into therapy. If it is successful, you will have a safe relationship to work out the troubling confusions of the past and then find new footing with yourself. You can then come from a different place when you relate to others.

I see you reaching out again and again for love and understanding, but reaching toward unhealthy relationships. You can get help for this, greeneyes, and resolve this pain and confusion.

[sadgreeneyes]

Thank you findingmyway,

you are right it seems like I repeat the pattern, my husband seems very kind, he was kind today too talking over cam, but he also did show the same side as 3 months ago, pressured me sexually, doing stuff, I couldnt do it all, after 30 minutes manipulating he said ok you dont have too and stopped. Plus he said some things.

I dont know right now, if my husband turns out being aggressive/sexually abusive I know its time for me to reach out, I might start now, I can go to the clinic beside the hospital. I´m just so slow getting the help, not motivated as I should be, but it might be better.

[finding my way]

You are doing what you know, what is familiar.... the best your young self could come up with at the time and repeating it. If you find a therapist you can work with, you will experience what a stable relationship is like and who you can be in a healthy relationship. Then it becomes possible to reach for other healthy relationships.

[sadgreeneyes]

I know you are are right, I just feel so tired at times, I was thinking he is a really nice guy and he is, but now he has ordered me sexually for the third time and that is abusive. Even he promised me 3 months ago not to ask again he did now and pressured me even more/further. I dont even know does he know it is wrong. I really dont know, but I would believe he has to know its wrong even he was virgin. He orders me to act like I was one of those in movies, told me what I had to do to tempt him, it was degrading stuff, something I will not be able to do. I´m thinking as he was virgin he might not know better,but I think time will show and that if I explain him more how things really are he might understand he is wrong little bit:confused:

[finding my way]

greeneyes you have married someone you really do not know. He could be filming you and making pornographic videos for all you know. Please do not assume a web cam is private.

If you go into therapy you could get a better handle on relating to yourself and others and what is possible for you that is healthy!

[sadgreeneyes]

That is what I have been thinking too, who knows if he´s filming it, I said to him cam isnt always private. Anyway, I could never do something like that on cam, not even here in my home with him, and how I am suppose to know he wouldnt show it to someone if I did. So I told him I cannot do like that, when he understood he didnt come anywhere with me he said he understood. Its just weird, I am wrong, he does know its wrong as I remember he has said before he knows its not good. I am little shocked over his sudden change in behavior, as I just got him to promise me affection and then next time we talk he do this again and even worse. I know abusers dont like that the victim feels happy and that the abusers usually start abusing again after this. Dont know if this is what he has done but it seems like he might found a good time to pressure me again as I was happy now. Its true I dont know him and it scares me little as I know abusers doesnt love you or bond to you, so I worry I will be unhappy and abused and abandoned. I just hope he will stop this and treat me good, if I did explain to him. I do at least have limits about this. But know I need to learn to set healthy boundaries , both if he should be worse with me when coming here and for myself:o