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My Future???


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Well yesterday I was finally starting to have a good day Watchin Football & Feeling pretty good about some things & My Oldest Son was Finally starting to come out of his recent shell & at least talk a Little to me with converstation revolving around Football & the Games.

I went to sleep Peacefully; But then I was abrubtly woke up by a knock on the door. I just cant go into details right now because of this. But I will say I am alone Again Right now & dont know what is going to Happen to Either of us & our Present & Future Situations. Im Scared; I just dont know what to do, who I am what im doing or where i will be.

I just did not want it to go down like this or end this way. I truly did have Hopes, Dreams & Goals for My Son & I. This is only getting Worse. I only hope somehow, someway we both can ride out this endless Storm & Nightmare with our Lives, Goals, Hopes & Dreams Intact.

I want to Thank All Of You For Continuing to Help, Support & Just be here for me. Being & Feeling Alone & so Lonely is the Worst Feeling & Emotion Anyone should ever have to deal with.

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Well even though I have had views on this recent situation & development but no reply's I figured I would at least update it.

I think that "Knock on the Door" woke my Oldest Son up a bit. He texted me & knows he has to take care of some legal issues & we both need to get Jobs; that's obvious.

For him though that still wont solve the biggest issue keeping him from having a Productive Stable life; His Addiction.

And for me it will also not solve my biggest issues, my ongoing Lonliness, Depression & Anxieties.

However for him it may be a start; which in turn will help me with some of my own issues.

I know we have been & still are heading down the Wrong Path; of Homelissness. So as I stated it simply will come down to No Choice.

I just wish I could overcome all of my Own Obsticles in Regards to my Mental State & also the ongoing Job Search. There have been so many factors in regards to Jobs & Work in General for me Lately. My Age & Confidence to name a few.

I am just so tired. Having spent my Entire Retirement & working so hard for 30yrs. with nothing to show for my Older years now. I have found myself avoiding Looking for & filling out Applications, because I am so Discouraged about it.

I am tired of feeling like I am Living Someone else's Life & Not my Own just to Survive. I want so Much to Have a Job I Want & Still allows me to Live, be Happy & Financially Survive.

Well that's enough for now. Later this morning I get my Stiches Out from Tooth I had pulled. No more Pain with that so that's good. But I have one less Tooth to Eat & Chew with & the Money it Cost me is 1/2 less I will be able to use for Hotel Room cost. It Sucks getting older for me in so many ways lately.

But at some Point I will have to learn to Accept things as they are & just deal with it; in order to Survive. I just thought my Life would mean so much more for myself at this point in my Life.

A house, Job, Marriage, Grandkids. I have None of That. So I guess as I look & see all of you who View this little Rambling of mine but dont reply; At least I have been able to get it off my Chest & Mind which always helps in some way.

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I found myself asking the same questions this morning same doubts about my future. I connect to how you are feeling right now.

I come close to deciding just to try. Forget my dreams.. they are that dreams.

Dreams are not reality.

I need to just go out and try things differently. I am thinking to myself if I keep trying over and over to make things work a certain way and they keep failing.. why do I keep trying to make it work that way?

Thinking of taking Nathan's advice go out and start talking to people. See what happens. It sounds like a great idea if you can master that skill to make friends with random people.. think about it.. you will never be alone, always have new adventures in everyday places.. sounds very appealing.

It will take time for me to build up that courage lol. But it has been a thought passing in my head a lot.

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I will have to say though today is tough for me as well.

I am so stressed my mind hurts.. not a headache it is different almost impossible to describe. Like the thoughts won't stop and it gets too painful, to the point it creates actual physical pain in your head but not a headache.

So many times I think things will be different, that there is hope.

Then right when it starts to get better something odd often tragic happens to make things worse than ever. At times I find myself in a panic.

Why did the one woman I actually get something going with have to be so perfect, so charming, so beautiful she even likes everything I do.. just so much good.. but so wrong at the same time. Why did the car wreck happen? Why did I not fix myself and start dating when there were people to date? Why???

I find that question looping so much on so many things...

I feel broken, like a freak that can't been seen as a possible romance: like 'come look at the freaky 32 year old virgin laugh it is ok he is used to it'.. like there is no hope anymore.. but on its own I know these thoughts are wrong as well.. but it doesn't make me feel better to know this just more broken.

I share your pain.. the feeling what can I do? What will happen?

Have I wasted my life? Will I ever have a normal life, marry, have kids?What can I do to not waste the rest of it?

I think it is depression.. fighting against us. I just don't know how to stop it especially with more bad things piling on making doubts a reality.

Honestly I am too messed up right now to be much help other than to say I have been praying for everyone on here. I am thinking of you and others, and I do care. I hate to see good people hurting so much.

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Thanx Again for your Ongoing Replys, Responces, Care, Concern, Help & Suggestions.

I think part of the Main Theme or Themes here is Hope, Discouragement, Depression, Anxiety & Dreams.

Luna I will always Appreciate your Care & to the Point Statements. Random; Yes in many ways I can Relate to what you Feel.

I think as long as we Continue to Try & Believe Everything will Eventually Get Better there is Always Hope. Random Yes I believe the Advice Nathan Suggested is A Great Start. Not only in Regards to Relationships, But Work & all other Areas of Life.

I Truly am generally an Optimisstic & can(Sometimes) be very Social Type Person. But when things start to go south as you mentioned Random it tends to Start a Real Downward Spiral for me. I just feel like I have Started over so many times in my Life & gotten No Where. It just Drains the Life out of you.

But what is my Alternative? Death? I know that solves nothing & only Leaves Pain for Others. Random you are you such A good, Thougthful, Caring & Intelligent Person. I to (like you) always Hate to see Good People go through so much Pain.

So with each other & our continuing Concern, Care, Help & Thought for Each other we can Continue to Believe & Hold out Hope our Lives will improve.

The Best To Both Of You. Sincerely; Jim

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I have been bouncing around the forum getting advice from lots of people.

I feel like I am taking more than I am giving at times, but I hope others advice helps more than me :o

Mark was saying something that hit strong for me. He mentioned the fear of being judged by a powerful other. I realized I have a strong social anxiety problem combined with low self esteem. Allan mentioned things like it can be PTSD. Everyone on this site is starting to tie things together for me. I think I have PTSD from the car wreck that grew worse from multiple sources of abuse and isolation. Through personal self therapy I grew out of it some and it has morphed into forms of depression and other emotional issues as well but that is the core of what is going on with me.

The other problems are just that other problems. They just latch on to my current issues and make it hard to self diagnose.

The morphed form of PTSD has made it hard for me to meet women, and when I do to keep them.

The one woman I did date and fell in love with has major issues of her own when combined with mine that is what has drove me near insane.

Until now the problems has never been this clear to me.

What to do now that I know is another story. It gives me some hope.. for now. I feel we are all learning from each other and getting better.

I do feel like I am growing despite my constant setbacks, doubts and fears.

So many of you have helped me in so many ways. I can't thank you enough.

58corvette it seems like you are feeling a little better Makes me feel a bit better :)

I know it seems like life keeps pounding on us. The only thing I can hope is that somehow, someway we are growing stronger learning more of who we are from it.

One thing different. I have had hopes come and go. Had revelations pop up and forget them the next day ;p But this feels different.. the baby steps as I said. This forum is helping me make them. I am slowly changing my way of thinking... very slowly lol.. but it is change.. good changes.

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That is so nice to hear. My Twin Son was in Major Head on Collision a few Thanksgiving's ago. For him it has helped Direct & Focus his Life even more; Although he has his "OFF" days & is now Permanantly Dissabled Himself. He is an Insperation to me.

It is refreashing to hear this has been helpful to you in ways to understand yourself better. I try my best not to put sa Label on things I suffer with; although many times it is Beneficial in understanding why we are the way we are!!!

PTSD is something that is very interesting in itself & is often associated in ways from Military & Battle & War Fatique. However it definitly can be associated with so many other Traumatic Events.

When I was a Teenager after my older Brother Died in a Motorcycle Accident a Doctor Told me I suffered a "Chemical Inbalance due to this. At the time it helped me understand myself & symptoms better. That was in the Mid-70's.

Now that I am in my 50's & have dealt with other Tragic Deaths & other Traumatic Events Since I continue to question just why the Heck I cant get through things better?

I have'nt mentioned it yet but I Truly Believe my Divorce & other Events Suffered to to this caused what Today they would call "PTSD". I wish i could figure it out or get the Proper Help especially in regards to my own Instability, Depression, Lonliness or Inability to Hold down a Job; Since that time.

It would be very helpful for me in regards to SSDI. But I need to follow through & see a Attorney & be diagnosed for that to begin with. I know it will be questionable & still take many, many Months to come to a decision in regards to that.

I would be interested to hear what Allan may think in regards to much of this.

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For me it feels good to just give it some name other than crazy ot not feeling good lol. Maybe it is maybe not. The main thing I think I am learning, growing. Maybe it is an up for me and later I will come back down, but I am hopeful. I have been thinking about the things everyone has said it it all has been helpful. The great part is it comes from a neutral perspective. I am very analytical I need that.

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Random person: I could relate to most of what you said, even feel your pain. Hang in there, we are all having our own set of stresses and worries to deal with and with you.

Jim: I'm not sure if we are allowed to post website urls on this forum but monster.com is very good for job search. What kind of a job are you looking for? Can I help in any way?

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Thanx for your Post & Concern;

I am now on Monster & Careerbuilders. I have done A Variety of General Labor Through the Years. Sort of A Jack Of All Trades Master Of None Type of Thing.

Worked 13yrs. for A School District; with very Good Benefits. So as far as anything you can do for me im not sure?

But I am always open to Ideas & Opportunities. Should it Present itself.

Thank You

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I'd suggest applying to all the jobs in your area that you feel you can do comfortably. Go and interview for all and get started once you get the job.

I know the whole process of getting the energy to go and get interviewed is taxing but once you start working you'll feel much much better. I can vouch for it. I'm nervous about my upcoming interviews and even more if I get the job with the worry whether I 'll be able to concentrate or not. But I want to believe that I will be fine once I start working so I perfectly understand how you feel.

But go ahead and apply. We can start with small steps in the direction we want to take. All the best Jim. I know you will get it soon if you make the effort.

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