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old saying is true...

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They say women fall for men that remind them of their fathers...tis true...

My dad just passed away at Christmas...he was a chronic alcoholic...only 66.

My ex husband was a recovering alcoholic when I met him and was doing coke...I didn't know that until about 2 years in...he didn't seem the type ya know?

My bf of 4 years was a crack head when I met him but again, I didn't know at first. He gave it up and has been clean for almost 3 years now!

However, he too, is a chronic alcoholic.

It hasn't been too bad the past few years, but now his drinking is getting worse.

At first it was just on weekends, then progressed from there. If he has more than 4 beer he gets nasty.

I tried an experiment on him a year ago and found out that he was allergic to his precious beer. As long as he took allergy pills he didn't get mean or nasty.

He quit taking the allergy pills a few months ago and now he's back to saying very hurtful things.

He even swears at the baby! He quit crack so that he could have a son...but now the beer is ruling his life.

He watched my dad die over the holidays...and you could see that it bothered him...he cried like a baby when he saw my dad in that hospital bed...his drinking buddy dieing on him and all...

I told him that there would be no more booze in my house after dad died. He was good for 2 weeks, then he started drinking on way home and sneaking beer into house...like I couldn't smell it on him? ugh!

A few days ago I asked him to pick up milk for baby...no money...can't pay bills, etc he said.

Last night he walks in with a six pack hidden under his jacket! Grrr!!!

I know it's my own fault for staying with him. I know I can't change him. I just want to know why I keep finding these men.

How do I break the cycle? How do I leave? Everything we have is under my name...house, business,credit cards, etc. I own the business and he works for me...only employee. He has me where he wants me...trapped.

He knows I can't get welfare because of things my ex did...so he knows I can't leave...until the bills are all caught up etc.

I swear he puts us further in debt every chance he gets just so that I can't leave. I have no family that I can stay with, no friends...keeps me trapped at home so that I can't make friends...while he goes out all the time. Can't let him watch his only son...tried that twice...came home in the middle of the afternoon to find the baby screaming his head off, wet diaper, and hungry...while HE was passed out from drinking! I was gone for an hour and a half! How could he drink that much in that amount of time?

He says when he gets to be as bad as my dad was at the end that he'll quit drinking. I told him that he was already passed that stage compared to where my dad was at 46. Some days he admits he has a problem and some days he tells us all that we don't know what we're talking about. His parents have told him a million times why all his ex's have left him...why they themselves don't talk to him much...but he just doesn't get it.

Anyway, I could go on for hours, but I won't.

I'm just hoping that some recovering alcoholics could shed some light for me...tell me why they drank, what made them want to stop.

I know why some people drink...anxiety, peer pressure, nerves, etc. I know it's an addiction...I smoke cigarettes so I know it's hard to quit an addiction...have tried many times and failed.

I know all the excuses of why he claims he needs to drink...sick of them...esp the one "it makes other people more interesting" which makes me feel that I'm boring...lowers MY self esteem, which I don't need.

Tired of him wanting praise for "only had 3 beer tonight". I do praise him if he doesn't have ANY beer one night...or at least I used to...generally he'll go to fridge and thank me for reminding him. UGH!

So? What part can I play in this? Is there anything I can do to help him? What can I say? What makes it worse?

Please! Any ideas at all would help. He CAN be a very nice man when he isn't drinking. He stopped once (same time as stopping crack) so I know he CAN do it if he wants to.

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My feeling is that you can't help him stop drinking, he has to do that for himself. At some point he may screw up so bad he will find himself on his ass, hitting bottom as it weres, and that may give him the incentive to get his act together. That's why you have to be concerned about yourself and your child most of all since it looks like he is dragging you all down with him.... If you own everything, why don't you get him to leave? Is that something that would be possible, or at least out of the house until he gets his act together? I know that living with an alcoholic is a very challenging situation and my heart goes out to you...

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My feeling is that you can't help him stop drinking, he has to do that for himself. At some point he may screw up so bad he will find himself on his ass, hitting bottom as it weres, and that may give him the incentive to get his act together. That's why you have to be concerned about yourself and your child most of all since it looks like he is dragging you all down with him.... If you own everything, why don't you get him to leave? Is that something that would be possible, or at least out of the house until he gets his act together? I know that living with an alcoholic is a very challenging situation and my heart goes out to you...

I've told him that he'll end up a lonely old man just like my dad. I've told him that I'll leave...so I guess threats don't work...which I knew they wouldn't cause I went through all that with my dad.

If it weren't for the fact that I own a business and he's my only employee...it would help, considerably. I wouldn't be able to pay for anything if he weren't here...and he knows that.

I can't see welfare helping me if I kick him out. There is no way that they would let me keep the house, van, or anything else that has money owing on it.

When I was 21 I was a single mom and they wouldn't help me much. They gave me less than what I owed for rent, demanded that I work (which I did anyway) they wouldn't pay more than $1.00/hour for babysitting so no one wanted to sit for me...except my mom.

I ended up moving in with my mom and step-dad again for a bit but they now have a one bedroom house so that wouldn't work this time.

I can only depend on myself this time around.

I tried to get a job here a few years ago and ended up starting my own business as a result. No one will hire you anymore unless you work every day of the week and work for below minimum wage it seems. I had applied in every single store in this community and was shot down every time. One store wouldn't hire me because of my age, one because I'm too skinny (was a plus size ladies store so can't blame them on that one) and the rest all said they were hiring but...I would walk in a few days later and would see that they hired someone from a different country...

Most places now only hire part time as well so that they don't have to pay medical and such. I could get two jobs again, but I know I would still spend half of my income on daycare.

If only the little guy was old enough for school...would help.

Maybe I need to find a rich man...lol...just kidding, but tempting nonetheless.

If I won the lottery I would be gone today.

I desperately want to join al-anon or whatever it's called, but I don't know if they allow little guys to come in...and if they do is there babysitting so that I could actually participate? He's very clingy...wouldn't help much to bring him and then have to leave or sit in back and not get anything out of it because he's acting up.

Anyone here know about those places?

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Guest ASchwartz

Hi True-hope,

The question is, do you make enough money from your small business to move out on your own and wouldn't you have more money if didn't have anyone work for you? Al of us, including you, seem to be aware that it would be healthier for you to get rid of this guy and that he will never become sober unless he wants to and he does not.

Call AA about alanon and they can direct you to meetings.


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I encourage you to look into Al-Anon as well, and even get you child babysat for a couple of hours once in awhile so that you can attend if they cannot provide daycare. The tough part is the isolation, feeling alone in dealing with the issues. There is a lot of comfort and strength in sharing with others who understand and that may even help you make some contacts that will help you explore other options.... My instinct was also to think that perhaps you could find someone else to work with you, someone who might even be more dependable and less stressful...

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I've thought about hiring someone else but it's hard. I own a contracting company...renovations.

I started the company with the $10,000 I got from my divorce. He got everything else, but that's another story. lol

After applying everywhere in town and my being rejected too many times, I started the company at my bf's request. He had been wanting his own company for many years, and he knows his stuff, but was unable to start his own business for various reasons.

I made him the manager and started talking about the company's future.

Things were going great at first. We worked side by side, and it was great fun.

One day he broached me on the subject of having a baby. He had always wanted a child of his own, but his ex's had had abortions and such...I felt so sorry for him...and in the end we started trying. It took three miscarriages before this one.

His drinking started to show soon after this. Before this he only drank when at his band practices...not alone at home like he does now.

I think it got worse after the baby was born...yes, yes it did...which is odd because HE'S the one that wanted a baby more than anything else in this world. I had three already and all I wanted to do was to make money so that I could see the world...or at least go camping or something.

My T-shirt reads " Never been there, never done that...had to make my own lousy T-shirt"

I can only do the finishing work...my bf does the major stuff. I wouldn't know how to hire someone else without him knowing about it.

I've been talking about the business with him a lot lately, telling him how busy we are getting and that perhaps we should think of hiring some one else. He keeps arguing that if we hired someone else then they would get half of the money...which is true, but I figure that if the company had another person like himself that we could take on more jobs and soon there would be even more money coming in to cover that stuff.

I mean, look at the BIG companies out there...how do they do it? They hire lots of people and grow bigger.

He's a very smart man, and he knows that what I say is the truth...and I think he's also smart enough to know the real reason why I want to hire someone else now. He knows his days are short, and that's why the leash keeps getting shorter.

I'm a smart girl playing a game against a smarter man...I can't win.

It was easy leaving my ex husband...not just because he was cheating on me and wanted me gone anyway, but because I had managed to change everything into his name while preparing to leave and I got myself a credit card to boost my ratings as well.

I was working full time (kids were almost full grown) and I socked money away without him knowing about it.

But this guy is smart...so much smarter than my ex...yet he's as smart as a sack of hammers when it comes to relationships.

His gf's keep leaving him and he has no idea why...duh.

I've told him to think long and hard about that. You spend more time with your beer than your girl...so why do you think they leave you? You have no empathy whatsoever, you're egotistical, self absorbed, etc.

When he asks other people about this they won't tell him the truth, but his mom does! lol

She keeps asking me when I'm leaving. She knows it's coming, and wants to be prepared for when it hits the fan.

I feel bad for this guy, but the love is gone, and it's just a matter of finding the right help and the right time before we can go.

I won't give up as I know from past experiences that living with an abusive alcoholic is not healthy. I'll never forget the time my dad wrapped the vacuum cleaner hose around my mom's neck...images like that stay with you forever.

He hasn't been physically abusive...yet. I know I need to leave before my young son sees that kind of thing.

I've been seriously thinking about joining a dating site but...what do you tell someone if you meet them?

"Yes, I'm interested in you, but I'm living with a guy and I can't leave him unless you let me move in with you and sponge off of you until I can get the baby in school or find a free babysitter ?"


"I own a house and business, but I can't kick this guy out unless you want to move in, and run the business?"

That would not be cool. So I guess I'm stuck in this living hell until either he drinks himself to death or I win the lottery.

Please, before anyone bashes me...

I have thought about all of my options. I can't go to social services as my ex husband ruined any future help for me. He went to them when I was in the hospital having our third baby. He had a chronic gambling problem. He spent his whole pay check on machines, then went to them and asked for money because I was in hospital having the baby. He took the money from them and put it into the machines. He went back to them...then I went to them after he did it once again.

They told me that was the last time and that we had to repay them $9,997.98 !!

I was told that if I/we ever needed help again that that money would be deducted from the first however many checks until it was repaid. After that we/I would be able to get checks issued to us/me to use for rent, food, etc.

Seeing on how the most I ever received from them was $750.00, I figure that I would only have to live on the streets for about a year before I would get a check from them.lol

I'm not the type to sit on welfare...self esteem is too low and I have to try and keep my dignity or what's left of it, somehow.

Thanks for all the moral support. I need it.

Was supposed to start Al-anon last night but, I don't know anyone in town and he started drinking the second he walked in the door...can't leave baby with him. Couldn't bring baby with me...I called ahead and they don't offer baby sitting there and he would have been too disruptive.

I told the lady that was kind of unfair...she told me that I really needed help, and that I was making the right steps to get it. She said that my life would change and that most spouses will start going to AA when they see the changes in their partners...most within a year.

And then she springs that on me...I asked her if she could help me with trying to find a babysitter. I asked her if she knew of anyone or if there was a place to go to find a sitter. I can't afford a sitter because he rules the money, but I think I could scrape enough together for at least one hour once a month or so.

It's so unfair that people who truly try to get help can't.

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No one is going to bash you for anything here. We are here for your support.

I am glad he is not hitting you yet. Life can be tough. I have tough life choices being forced on me as well.

People suggested something for me that might help for you as well. That is to get out and make more close friends. And your right the situation your in is tough and makes it tricky to find someone. I will say something that should give you hope though. My ex was in a very similar situation. He was just starting to beat her and she was still off and on dating him. But I got to know her, believed in her and trusted her even after she dumped me to go back to him.. I was hurt but I stuck by her and helped her through it. If she asked what you were asking and I knew she loved me, would I say yes? you bet.

I got to know her and wanted a real relationship.

So there are guys out there, good men that would understand and help.

I say this not to say what you should do or when, rather give you some hope.

Because it sounds like more than anything right now that is what you need.

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