tired of it all

[true-hope]

I've been bullied my entire life by so many people.

I've always been afraid of my own shadow and have only stood up for myself a handful of times.

I have ADHD. So in school I was beat up all the time because I was different.

( I was only diagnosed a few years ago)

I learned to avoid people and keep to myself. We moved around a lot...53 times by the time I was 16. Had two friends in my entire life, but have lost contact with them over the years. Had one friend in high school but she was only nice to me because she didn't want me to know that she was having sex with my bf behind my back...they married and he cheated on her! lol

My mom bullies me constantly...for 40+ years now it's been the same old thing with her.

My ex husband ignored me, and yes, that IS abuse.

My bf of 4 years now does the same. Everything and everyone else is more important.

For my 40th bday he took me to a pizza place...I was thrilled as this would be the first bday party I ever had...but alas, it was not to be. He sat me in a corner by myself and went over and got drunk at another table with his band mates. He was there to break up with his singer...ugh.

I sat alone a few days later as he went out drinking with his friend...I sat in the bathroom crying as I had yet another miscarriage...I called him but his friend wouldn't bring him home. He came home to a bloody bathroom, shrugged, and went to bed.

The next day, when he sobered up, he asked what in the he** was up with the bathroom...I had left it a mess on purpose. He started crying because he wanted a baby more than anything in this world...boo hoo for him!

What makes me even angrier is that 2 of his friends (ex band mates) get huge 40th bday parties and he's planned/planning them. One was last year...they had tons of bands come in for her 40th...he was playing for her. Now, in a couple of weeks her hubby turns 40 and my bf is practicing some old songs and stuff to help make this the best party ever.

It's been 3 years since my 40th and he still hasn't done anything ever for the bdays since then.

My ex hubby flew a woman from some other country in on my bdays...he was cheating on me forever, would never spend a dime on me for any reason, yet he spent $5000 every year to bring this woman to Canada so that he could have her for MY birthday. He would hide her in the next town over and go there every day to her hotel. I ended up leaving him when I found out.

We had problems since the start. We only made love 5 times a year. I took him to the psychologist with me once and the guy told him that normal couples do it 5 times a week (at that age).

Turns out he only gets excited with a certain skin tone/color...

My bf has no time for us. He works, goes to band practice, plays on his comp, drinks his beer...time for everyone except us...sorry,he does play with his son every once in awhile for a few minutes and then tells everyone that he spent the entire day with him...even though it may have been 20 minutes tops.

How and why do I keep finding all of these abusive people in my life? Is there a big sign on my forehead that says "Pick me! Pick on me!" ?

Every guy I've been with...all 4 of them, have cheated on me...so far so good with this one...but I feel cheated because he talks about his ex and the fun times they had together all the time!!

I hate that! We have NEVER done anything together! Then he tells me I'm exactly like her in that I'm "needy and clingy"!!

I keep telling him that if he EVER spent 10 minutes with me or if he took me out that maybe, just maybe I wouldn't seem that way.

He's told me that I have to quit being jealous of HER past life...well maybe if he would shut his mouth and quit telling me about all the fun he had with her, and if he did ANYTHING with me....

I can't go out because he gets drunk and won't watch the baby. Thus I can't have any friends...even if they did understand my ADHD...

Ah well, such is life...there are the bullies, and then there are the meek...

I may be picked on all the time, but at least I can say that I'm a nice person and hold my head up high knowing that I've been trying my best on this planet to make it a better place.

Long live the meek and battered! We are too good for the bullies!

Maybe we should start our own country or something. lol

[Symora]

I hear you true hope. I've had sort of a life like that too... gave much more than I received in most of my relationships, been treated with lack of consideration and appreciation. I now think that I drew, and sometimes continue to draw, that to myself because I lack self esteem. I don't see myself as worthy of more. I've thought a lot about that during the last year and have been doing a lot of work in that area, and I now find that I am clearer with regards to my boundaries, which is really helpful....

You sound like a lovely person True, do you think that perhaps you lost track of your worth somewhere along the way with all the abuse you have lived?

[true-hope]

I realized by the age of 7 that I had no real worth...

My uncle had "touched me" and when I told my grandmother and mom about it I was told to shut up because we don't talk about those things. (the 70's)

All throughout my life I've been physically, mentally, and emotionally abused.

If my own family doesn't care about what happens to me...then why should I?

I've always thought that I must deserve it...or perhaps this is just the way life is meant to be.

I've always been too afraid to stand up for myself because when I do I'm beaten down even more for it.

It's only been since the passing of my dad (just before Christmas) that I realized that I DON'T deserve any of this.

I'm now in the process of trying to figure out how to leave my bf of 4 years.

It's quite difficult as I'm constantly trapped at home, I own a business where he's my only employee (hence my only source of income), the house we have is under my name, bills are under my name, credit cards (4 of them) are maxed out by him and under my name...If I wasn't such a nice person and could learn how to say no to those that I care about I wouldn't be in this mess!

I know what he's doing to me...he told me 6 months in that he had only been using me and my credit rating for the first while...then he told me that he fell in love with me at around the 6 months period...

I'm always being used because I'm so freaking weak, and I hate myself for being weak, but I don't know any other way of life.

I've tried talking to psychologists, but they have nothing to say...they just seem to sit there, listen, and then charge me a fortune...so I came here because it's free...and even if I receive no help, well...at least I can get stuff off my chest for free.

If only my bf would spend time with me, slow down on his drinking...ah, the "if only's". lol

I've only been on this site a couple of days now, and already I feel as though I finally belong somewhere.

It's too bad that we are all here because of the things in life we go through, but at least we can all understand and be sympathetic/empathetic to each other.

Thanks for listening.