Repressed memory Is it best left alone?

[Hannahbanana]

This may ramble on, but I hate leaving things out as I'm worried people will get the wrong impression if I don't explain myself thoroughly. Any advice appeciated. I may post this elsewhere,, not sure which is the best forum for it.

When I was about 4 something happened to me involving my brother, I'm pretty sure it was of a sexual nature but I don't know for sure.

He is 12 years older than me. It's not something I ever thought about throughout my childhood, but I do have a memory of our family going on a holiday more expensive than we could normally afford a year or so later, and being told my parents would explain how we could do it when I was older.

I also remember when I was about fifteen telling a frined that my brother had molested me, quite out of the blue I think, at least I can't remember it being an issue for me before then. But then my memory of everything up until a couple of years ago is very vague compared to my sisters'.

I thought about for a while after and thought maybe I was a liar, attention seeking or something. However, when I was sixteen my Mum pulled me aside and told me I would be getting £4,000 when I turned 18, and I think she just said it was compensation but she might not have even said that, but it was obviously akward so I didn't ask any questions; we've never been close. The money I was awarded was how they affored the holiday.

Anyway a days or so later I asked her if it was something to do with my brother, and she said yes, and that she thought I'd forgotten about that, but I couldn't ask her anymore.

We've never spoken about it since. I've very briefly spoken to my twin sister about it when we were wasted once, and she said she was there, but she didn't get any compensation. And she said we went to counselling after which I cannot remember at all, although I think I do remember going to the doctors for an intimate exam when I was about that age. And I can remeber being kept off school and going to my Mum's friend's house during the day.

All I can, or think I can remeber of the event is being sat on my bedroom floor with my back against my radiator, anked from the waist down, my brother before me telling me Mum had said I had to do whatever it was he was going to do.

There's no way I can ask anyone in my family about it. There are too many tensions there already, and obviously everyone who knows about it is glad it's all over. I did contact sociial services last year requesting my records but nothing ever got sent to me.

My problem is now though that in the last few months I've got back in touch with my brother, and I want to keep it that way as I want to be in his children's lives. I'm worried about what I'll find out, and how it will affect that.

Do you think there is any value in finding out for sure, or can this be dealt with without knowing the details. I think it may still affect me.

[Lindamomof7]

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