I keep losing it...

[Athena]

Just when I thought I was figuring it all out, when I was starting to feel like I could actually just have a normal reaction to things, something happens to show me how wrong I am. I had trouble naming this thread, it could have been, "What to do when your own kids are triggers?" or "Can't live with them, can't live without them"or "Arggggggh!, or "The rage is back", or "My brain flew out the window again" All of those would certainly apply. Anyway, my reaction to my kids prompted this and that's the real dilemma, so....

It seems something so minor. My nine year old couldn't find pants that she wanted to wear. She started losing it on me, which led to her blaming me for not having a suitable set to wear. So how could something so small be such a MAJOR TRIGGER? Well, I'd just done the laundry the night before so that it WOULDN'T be a problem. But she freaked out before I had a chance to dig her stuff out of the laundry. When I told her I purposely did it for her, she went rifling through the nicely folded laundry and started pulling stuff out, saying "Is this all there is?" I said, "No, there's more in the dryer" but she'd turned off her ears, so I just went downstairs to make her and her sister's lunch and breakfast. So anyway, more complaints about shirts not matching the pants she found, her sister not being out of bed yet, and about five other things I don't really want to waste brain cells trying to recall.

So, not wanting to have a problem with the second child, I pull out some clothes she really likes, get her opinion - the shirt's not one she happens to want today - OK fine, found another one and stuck the whole outfit on her bed for her. I go back to get her out of my bed, where she spent the night. "So where is it?" she says. "Where's what?" "My clothes" "They're on your bed" "No they're not, see?" "No they're on YOUR bed, not mine". "Ohhhhh". So somewhere in there I just lost it. "PUT YOUR DAMN CLOTHES ON, I DON'T HAVE TIME FOR THIS, I'VE GOT TO MAKE YOUR LUNCH!"

My first daughter comes downstairs, more complaints - generally along the lines of "Where's my...?", "How come you didn't...?", etc, etc.

TRIGGER, TRIGGER, TRIGGER! "I'M GOING TO PUT A A MAT HERE THAT SAYS 'MOMMY'. WIPE YOUR FEET ALL OVER IT, AND WHEN YOU CAN'T READ IT ANYMORE, I WILL BE PUT AWAY IN A MENTAL INSTITUTION AND YOU WON'T HAVE TO PUT UP WITH YOUR TERRIBLE MOTHER ANYMORE. IN FACT, IF YOU WANT TO BE JUST LIKE YOUR DAD, GO LIVE WITH HIM. YOU'RE RIGHT, I'M THE WORST MOTHER IN THE WORLD, YOU DON'T DESERVE ME, DON'T WORRY - I WON'T STOP YOU, I'M OK WITH IT, JUST GO LIVE WITH HIM".

What a horrible thing to say to two kids you adore, who you miss terribly when they're not with you? Actually, I'm not missing them so much now, the more triggered I am. That's what terrifies me. That I just won't care about them anymore. And if I continue down this path, I won’t miss them and they won’t miss me. And I’ll give the marital lawyers lots of fodder and I’ll permanently lose them. It's just that when they exhibit selfishness, ungratefulness, unreasonable expectations, blaming, attitude, entitlement, rudeness, I'm the centre of the universe... It's like they're Dad is right there in the house dishing it all out. And this may sound normal for a family, what's the big deal? Well, it's a matter of degree. When observers say, "I can't believe how rude he is to you" when he was actually not too bad that day. Or "I can't believe you put up with that from your daughter", or "I never yell at my Mom like that", or from their therapist "That's not normal, we need to deal with that" and "I recommend they see a Psychiatrist", then you know it's not just normal family life.

Well, I haven't resolved anything. Have to go now. Busy day, including my kids' first visit to a Psychiatrist. Oh, well - they'll have lots to talk about!

Any suggestions to the question "What do you do when your own kids are triggers?" would be most welcome. (BTW I've tried mindfulness based parenting, meditation, and a lot of those "calming down" techniques - they don't work for me).

[CantGiveItAway]

........................

[Athena]

Thanks CGIA,

I made a deal with my 6 year old. I will let her take her "I hate you" back if she lets me take what I said back. She seemed OK with that, and I think she probably gets it because she always says she never means her "I hate you" later. I think I'll also write them both an "I love you" note. I've noticed they make up in writing, so I'm hoping that doing the same will sink in best.

[flander]

At least the kids are looking for clean clothes to put on. My boys would wear the same stuff for weeks if we let them.

[Athena]

I don't think I would have survived with boys :eek:

So my girls and I saw their shrink. I didn't hold back. Told her all the horrible stuff I've been saying to them and what they've unfortunately witnessed. Somehow I'm just ready to accept anything now. I've been afraid of them being taken away from me (as has been threatened by their Dad and his lawyer, based on my "freak outs") so I've left some stuff out in their therapy in the past. But I wanted an honest opinion on what they need. I have no idea what to expect on Monday. The Psychiatrist said some stuff that I found kind of comforting though. That we are dealing with this now so they will become healthy well adjusted adults. She "gets" the kind of therapy I'm in. She also suggested a few programs for me/the girls and an action plan going forward. None of this involved their Dad. In fact when I brought him up, she said "We can only deal with when they are with you". I didn't even say how he treated them, only how he treated me. If she was going to report me as a danger to my girls, I don't think she would have said these things. Also, she would have queried more about how their Dad was at taking care of them, as she'd have to know that if she didn't see me as a capable caregiver. So I don't plan on worrying about this over the weekend.

[Guest ASchwartz]

Hi Athena,

You bring back memories...no, nightmares. My wife and I raised twin daughters and the scenario you describe comes rigtht out of our past. There is something about girls that can be completely irrational. I do sense boys are different. I don't remember ever making a big deal over clothes when I was a kid. But, I don't know about boys today.

Anyway, here are my thoughts:

1. I didn't think your reaction was over the top. I don't think your reaction was abnormal and I don't think their provocative behavior was abnormal. I think this episode is what so many American parents experience.

2. I might be wrong but I have the sense that the kids know you feel vulnerable or that you are vulnerable and they are taking advantage of that because that is just something kids do.

3. In addition, your husband, about to be ex husband, is probably undermining your authority. Kids will always exploit parents not supporting each other. This is also something kids do. Of course, they also scare themselves when they do this because they are frightened that they might have weakened a parent.

4. I don't know, but even the lawyers might be unittingly underming your authority with the threat of you losing your children.

In my opinion, you need to remain strong. At this point there is nothing else for you to do. I know you regret your reactions to your kids, but, at least in this case (I don't know about others), you didn't do or say anything harmful. In fact, you put into words, however angry they might have been, the problems they are experiencing and exploiting.. problems, in large part, being created by others.

Also, I may be wrong, but don't think its a good idea for you and your daughters should go to joint therapy for the simple reason that it will seem to them that you are at fault and not Dad and that will further weaken your authority. If all of you could go, fine. If that is not possible, or is not a good idea, then I would suggest (my opinion) that you not do it...at this point.

What do you thing and please correct me where I am wrong and have the wrong idea or wrong background info.

Allan

[Athena]

Hi Allan,

I'm glad that you don't think I should be reported. I've been reported to Children's Aid three times. When will people get it through their thick heads SI is NOT about hurting others? Unfortunately the mediator (who is biased to the other party) has had an experience that taints her views on this - one of her clients killed herself and her kids (I'm beginning to feel the mediator drove her to it, she certainly has caused me to think about jumping off a tall building at times!) Also, there was a murder/attempted suicide by a mother who killed her innocent children in the local press right around the time the lawyers found out what I was doing to myself. So, some rather unfortunate timing and jumping to conclusions on the part of brain-dead lawyers.

The Children's Aid rep knows I wouldn't hurt a fly, he is really getting tired of it all, but of course has to do the obligatory response each time.

As to family therapy, I think my kids and I have enough going on so happy to hear you don't recommend it anyway. And no, the Dad would not be able to be involved because he feels he is perfect and would be personally insulted if anybody thought his kids needed emotional help. So.... I just carry on in spite of him and hope he won't have too much an impact on them.