Athena Posted January 20, 2011 Report Share Posted January 20, 2011 Just when I thought I was figuring it all out, when I was starting to feel like I could actually just have a normal reaction to things, something happens to show me how wrong I am. I had trouble naming this thread, it could have been, "What to do when your own kids are triggers?" or "Can't live with them, can't live without them"or "Arggggggh!, or "The rage is back", or "My brain flew out the window again" All of those would certainly apply. Anyway, my reaction to my kids prompted this and that's the real dilemma, so....It seems something so minor. My nine year old couldn't find pants that she wanted to wear. She started losing it on me, which led to her blaming me for not having a suitable set to wear. So how could something so small be such a MAJOR TRIGGER? Well, I'd just done the laundry the night before so that it WOULDN'T be a problem. But she freaked out before I had a chance to dig her stuff out of the laundry. When I told her I purposely did it for her, she went rifling through the nicely folded laundry and started pulling stuff out, saying "Is this all there is?" I said, "No, there's more in the dryer" but she'd turned off her ears, so I just went downstairs to make her and her sister's lunch and breakfast. So anyway, more complaints about shirts not matching the pants she found, her sister not being out of bed yet, and about five other things I don't really want to waste brain cells trying to recall. So, not wanting to have a problem with the second child, I pull out some clothes she really likes, get her opinion - the shirt's not one she happens to want today - OK fine, found another one and stuck the whole outfit on her bed for her. I go back to get her out of my bed, where she spent the night. "So where is it?" she says. "Where's what?" "My clothes" "They're on your bed" "No they're not, see?" "No they're on YOUR bed, not mine". "Ohhhhh". So somewhere in there I just lost it. "PUT YOUR DAMN CLOTHES ON, I DON'T HAVE TIME FOR THIS, I'VE GOT TO MAKE YOUR LUNCH!" My first daughter comes downstairs, more complaints - generally along the lines of "Where's my...?", "How come you didn't...?", etc, etc. TRIGGER, TRIGGER, TRIGGER! "I'M GOING TO PUT A A MAT HERE THAT SAYS 'MOMMY'. WIPE YOUR FEET ALL OVER IT, AND WHEN YOU CAN'T READ IT ANYMORE, I WILL BE PUT AWAY IN A MENTAL INSTITUTION AND YOU WON'T HAVE TO PUT UP WITH YOUR TERRIBLE MOTHER ANYMORE. IN FACT, IF YOU WANT TO BE JUST LIKE YOUR DAD, GO LIVE WITH HIM. YOU'RE RIGHT, I'M THE WORST MOTHER IN THE WORLD, YOU DON'T DESERVE ME, DON'T WORRY - I WON'T STOP YOU, I'M OK WITH IT, JUST GO LIVE WITH HIM". What a horrible thing to say to two kids you adore, who you miss terribly when they're not with you? Actually, I'm not missing them so much now, the more triggered I am. That's what terrifies me. That I just won't care about them anymore. And if I continue down this path, I won’t miss them and they won’t miss me. And I’ll give the marital lawyers lots of fodder and I’ll permanently lose them. It's just that when they exhibit selfishness, ungratefulness, unreasonable expectations, blaming, attitude, entitlement, rudeness, I'm the centre of the universe... It's like they're Dad is right there in the house dishing it all out. And this may sound normal for a family, what's the big deal? Well, it's a matter of degree. When observers say, "I can't believe how rude he is to you" when he was actually not too bad that day. Or "I can't believe you put up with that from your daughter", or "I never yell at my Mom like that", or from their therapist "That's not normal, we need to deal with that" and "I recommend they see a Psychiatrist", then you know it's not just normal family life.Well, I haven't resolved anything. Have to go now. Busy day, including my kids' first visit to a Psychiatrist. Oh, well - they'll have lots to talk about!Any suggestions to the question "What do you do when your own kids are triggers?" would be most welcome. (BTW I've tried mindfulness based parenting, meditation, and a lot of those "calming down" techniques - they don't work for me). Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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