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I'm just so damn scared all the time after all the failures


Xander
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Hi I'm Xander (On this board at least) and I'm 26 and a bit of a wreck. I don't know where to start with this fear-spiral I feel, so I guess I start with the closest part I can remember.

I started a pretty though education about four years ago. Before that time I had pretty much drifted, worked some in the restaurant business which I hated but didn't suck at, and just studied some courses within fields that I liked thus building up my confidence and curiosity in academic accomplishments. Then I heard about this education that promised diversity as well as a guarantee to get hired (Engineer).

It just felt so right, I was really looking forward to really commit to something and it felt like such a social environment. I have posted in other places about my virginity and the fact that I never had anything closely resembling a relationship so the fact that I could start on something like this built up a sense of adventure and excitement within me but also I got my hopes up about finally meeting someone.

To be fair it led to one of the best social successes I ever experienced. I was scared stiff in the beginning of course, and it was though and I didn't get A or B in any courses, but I passed most things. But the big success was that I really forced myself to hang with a gang of people that seemed really nice and I even organized activites like movies and game nights.

But it seems that that was the peak of it. I love my friends but I feel that we don't do that many things anymore. I also kinda had the hope that I would enter a relationship with one of the girls in the group, but she chose someone else in the very same group which made me descend into the worst episode of depression I have ever had, having to resort to a small dose of anti-depressants to actually recover. Then it felt like everyone started seeing people, not just those two. Also some of the other friends got very successfull in school while I sorta got behind, failing some courses. There where also the fact that we were in the same class the first year only, then we had to go our separate ways. That means I had to repeat the difficult process of meeting friends, which led to some serious anxiety where I couldn't eat for several weeks.

I adjusted with my new class and I seem to be perceived as a pretty nice guy by the people who know me well. But the failures are starting to have their toll on me, I have yet to successfully land a job the last four years and I get jealous very often when friends do things without me or someone I know successfully get into a relationship or if they seem to get really successfull within their educational field. I just don't feel capable of accomplish anything tangible. In the beginning I was quite enthusiastic jumping on activites organized by the school and going out alot but I have become more and more pessimistic, feeling that failures are starting to wear me out. I guess the Engineer-thing is starting to feel pretty bland too, since I am somewhat of a dreamer who likes to read and write usually but I haven't really had the energy for it during these school-years. I'm starting to think that I should jump onto something else and perhaps get more success there but I'm too much of a coward since I have invested so much time in this education by now.

Now I am basically afraid of going out or doing stuff because I get so afraid that I will just build up an optimistic approach then see it all blow up in my face. My friends tell me I am bound to meet someone, and I am seeing a shrink after an episode I wrote about in another post (That I guess you cold call a "public suicide attempt") who says the same thing. But I can't really see it happen soon. All the failures has just made lose appetite in life, and there are many things I just find boring when I try them out. I might be on the nerdy side of things I guess, hating clubs, loving movies and games and so forth, but I love to talk with people, especially like if a group of friends organize a get-together at someones home and you just sit down for a drink and a laugh. Everyone says they think of me as someone who is a "one girl only" kind of person and they find it surprising that I'm not with a childhood sweetheart. I feel exactly the same way, and I feel that I miss this die-hard-best-friend that I share a lot of things with that seems to be missing from my life.

Right now I am in an alien environment as I enrolled for an exchange-programme. It seemed like a good idea, but I'm feeling the fear clawing at me right now. I wrote about that current situation in a different forum, so I will try to focus on the general sense of dread in this post. How the hell do you cope with fear and your sense of commitment to life when there doesn't seem to be that much out there for you?

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Wow. Your response actually brought forth a tear in my eye. Thank you, I will try to heed some of the advice just given, I know it is a struggle and I guess I will cope with it this time as well. It just gets hard to have these standards and this inability to compromise. Mind you I realize it's a mix between choice and ability as to why I do not seek more "temporary" entanglements, but I still really appreciated what you said about keeping up the good fight. That I'm "almost" out of the social loop is accurate I suppose, my friends constantly remind me that my perception is a bit out of whack, after my suicide attempt people where really supportive and chocked so I decided then and there to never try it again. I don't really see suicide as an actual choice anymore, altough the pain of just existing gets a bit unbearable from time to time.

My biggest dream is to form a family, I'm just REALLY good with children and sometimes just seeing a child smile back at me can keep me going for quite some time. But some times it just feels so distant too so I guess there's two sides of that coin. I guess the change the trip to this environment demanded of me got me kinda spooked, but I shall try to make the best of it here and just totally look all the fear right in the eye and conquer it. I have done so before, I just have to be reminded of it sometimes. I will never get used to these kinds of situations however, not one bit...

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Wow 7 children... That sounds both amazing AND extremely challenging especially with the problems you seem to live with. Or maybe it's wrong to call them problems, but rather really problematic "gifts" that one must learn to wield in harmony with one's personal life. I haven't really seen these kinds of support groups you speak of where I come from, but I have been seeing a shrink after my sucide attempt. A friend managed to coerce the police not to make it an official record (I was with my friends at the time of the attempt) so I just went to a meeting every other week by my own free will. My friends (I never told my parents) said there was a pretty obvious difference in a good way once I had been there, but I'm a little worried about how that stuff will play out during this semester when I'm studying abroad. I guess that's what these types of forums are for...

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