Am I ready for a serious relationship?

[Athena]

I broke my own rule yesterday for therapy, which is: Don't ask questions to which you may get an answer you don't like. Anyway, the question has been on my mind lately, so I just blurted it out: "Do you think I'm ready for a serious relationship?" I value my therapist's judgement, so I was pretty disappointed when it took less than ten seconds to say a very definitive "NO". I thought he'd beat around the bush a bit, ask me why I brought it up at this point in time, ease into an answer, as that would be his usual approach on potentially problematic questions.

I haven't made up my mind if I agree with him yet, and when I asked him what would have to change for that not to be the case, he said something about "dichotomy" which I didn't quite understand, possibly because I was still shell shocked with the speed of his answer to the original question. Then my session was over. So I will certainly be asking for clarification on Monday! Anyway, as usual when something surprising bothers me, it takes me a while to figure out why. I think the worst thing is it felt like for the first time ever, I felt like he was passing judgement. A huge sense of rejection by this person that I have so much respect for. Like "Come on, am I that awful to be around?". So, it's probably none of that, just a desire to protect me from making another huge mistake but my extreme reaction probably precisely proves him right.

So, OK, fine, now what do I do? Ask two more people who know me well and what I'm going through. Same answer. From best friend - took about five seconds. Brother, about one second, practically yelled it out! Both pointing out what I've gone through, and am still going through.

My "won't just be an ex" ex just won't cut the strings, just won't damn well respond to my " increasingly better for him and worse for my kids and I" offers. Just how long am I supposed to wait to get my life back from this leeching deadbeat?

Anyway, they are probably right. How dare I go anywhere near a nice guy with this toxic waste clinging to me? But that just means he is allowed to continue destroying my life. People with cancer go on dates, why not me? The ex certainly has several similar attributes to a brain tumor!

So I think I'm resigned to just look for something casual, have zero expectations, and keep the toxic waste as far away from the new guy (presuming one shows up) as possible. I certainly don't plan on bringing that horrid topic of conversation up to somebody new.

Any thoughts/suggestions from anybody still reading?

[Luna-]

A thought: Have you considered staying single for a good while and working on building a relationship with yourself? It's very rewarding. After a really bad break-up (my last relationship, 10 years ago) I realised I had never been alone more than 6 months since leaving school so I set about learning to be single. I can truly recommend it. You develop and cultivate your friendships, so that you have company when you need it and the rest of the time you enjoy your own company. You get a chance to work on your "stuff" without someone else's stuff getting mixed up in it. I can now say that it would be nice to meet someone but if it never happens, I'll be OK. I could not say that before, and it feels wonderful.

If you go into another relationship soon, it will be a rebound one and that isn't the best basis for a relationship. At least, my rebounds all went south.

That was my thought when I read your post. What do you think?

[Athena]

Luna,

Thanks for your comments.

I have been separated for almost 3 years. I would also say that I have not really been in a real relationship for all but the first couple of years of my marriage in 1993. That's an awfully long time to be alone. I do enjoy my alone time now, but I also think it is a shame to not even attempt to find "true love". I also think that waiting until one is the "perfect human being" would be an awfully long wait for even the best of us.

I do agree that reconnecting with people on a "friends basis" is a good idea. I've kind of already started that, which I suppose has led me to think that perhaps I am ready for something more.

[Luna-]

Ahhh, I see. You're not on the rebound. Then, I dunno?

[Waiting]

Personally I don't think anyone is really ready. No time is perfect. It depends on the situation and the person. Sometimes a relationship, if it the right one is exactly what you need.

[flander]

I do agree that reconnecting with people on a "friends basis" is a good idea. I've kind of already started that, which I suppose has led me to think that perhaps I am ready for something more.

At least that's better than sitting around at home watching TV or browsing the internet.

[Athena]

Personally I don't think anyone is really ready. No time is perfect. It depends on the situation and the person. Sometimes a relationship, if it the right one is exactly what you need.

. Yes, I think you are right, Waiting. I had decided to wait and plan things out - get my head and heart to work together for a change. Then, from out of the blue, somebody comes along and messes up my plans. Perhaps I am ready - we'll see. I am a very different person from six months ago. I probably couldn't have really communicated on the same level back then. It's just dawned on me how much I have grown in just a short time.

At least that's better than sitting around at home watching TV or browsing the internet.

Yes, Flander. Our busy life and Internet/TV distractions certainly make it a lot easier NOT to go out with people in the flesh and blood world. I think we need to make a particular effort to get out.

[flander]

Yes, Flander. Our busy life and Internet/TV distractions certainly make it a lot easier NOT to go out with people in the flesh and blood world. I think we need to make a particular effort to get out.

that's difficult when there's nothing that you want to do in the "flesh and blood world".

[Athena]

Flander,

Is there nothing you can think of that you would enjoy getting out for - a beer with friends? Pool? Hanging out downtown? A bar with live music?

[flander]

I probably get out 3-4 times a year for live music, which is a lot less than I used to just a few years ago. That would be a different story if I lived in Austin, TX.

Other than a few people who I only see at work, most of my friends are at least a couple hundred miles away.

[Athena]

Is there somebody at work you think you'd get along with, who you could just go for a beer with after work? I have made it a point to try and meet some people this year who are more accepting of me. When most of my friends abandoned me during my divorce, I finally realized I needed to meet a better class of people. I now am feeling quite close to a couple of women I didn't hang out with much before (my real estate agent and a former client). There's a couple of others (from my kids' school, from my ski lessons) that I'd also like to get to know better. Four close friends would be wonderful. Just open up to people who seem genuine, kind and who you have some rapport with. I think it just takes a bit more attention and willingness to try and then it happens somewhat naturally because you are attuned to being open to becoming friends with these people. Email communication seemed to make it easier to get together with others.

[flander]

I get asked if I want to come along to a bar after work every once in a while. We just end up 'talking shop'.

[Athena]

Flander,

I suspect you are a problem solver at work. Perhaps you could view this in that light, but maybe think outside of the box a little. I think I'm all out of ideas so I'm curious to see what you might come up with. You keep mentioning why my ideas are not going to work. Don't take this the wrong way, because I am truly trying to help and as you know, I struggle with the same issues. For the moment however, the next time you tell me why my idea won't work, could you do me a favor and suggest an alternative idea?