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From anorexia, bulimia, and now


mscat
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It is so frustrating! For many of my early young adulthood i was sickly anorexic/bulimic. I even went to inpatient treatment. Found out my body fat was at 3% . I was placed in a wheelchair , due to the fact my body fat was so low, I easily could have had a heart attack. After the Eating disorder program I gained 25 pounds. But, i got out , and quickly lost all the weight again. I maintained the weight of 87Lbs for years. When it got down to 77 Lbs was when I decided to get treatment. At 5'4 in a half, people thought i was dying. Thought i had AIDS . Even family members begun thinking I was not going to survive.

WEll I began to get into cycling and had a racing bike that I took long trips going to city to city cycling , I got strong, very strong and athletic, the more I used the racing bike the better I became. I used power bars and water , my weight did climb up to 93 lBS. Still very thin, but strong.

It was not until I became pregnant with a man I was seeing for several months. Pregnant at a low weight, i had a scare. Thinking I was to lose the baby growing inside me, I chose to take better care of myself. I gained 65 LBs and the baby was a 7 pounder.

I no longer binged or cared that I had gained so much weight. SO the weight came on easy sense I had deprived my body for so long the right nutrition.

What happened was i continued to gain, because of the bulimia I never felt full. My body wanted to store fat easier now.

OK , now that was many years ago. Now i went to my Pdoc appoinment and saw how much I weighed > I am enormous. Also found out I have diabetes 2.

it runs in the family and my father died from complications of Diabetes , full blown.

I started a new medication called JANUVIA. one of it's side effects is it loses your appetite , making you lose weight.

I hate myself now, the way I look. Going from extreme thinnes to extreme fattness . Their is no in between> I hate it , the black and white thinking. I am ashamed of how I look now, and embarassed. I let myself go the other way , and now regret it. I advoided mirrors and scales. Now I know the truth. I am a fat , disgusting , slob.

It did not just happen, it took years to get like that. Even when I do lose weight, I wonder if I will look flabby and still gross. I was gross as anorexic, now gross as fat.

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Guest ASchwartz

Mscat,

You probably know by now that its the thinking process behind the weight issue that causes the problem. You seem to have a poor image of your body and of how you look, regardless of your weight. That is what you find so discouraging. In my experience people look far, far better than they believe they do.

Allan

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Thank you for your reply, Allen.

I an struggling with self image issues, I had not known just how heavy I became until stepping on the scale in the DR's office. Now all these old feeling are comming back. noboby has ever ever made jokes or been hurtful about my weight, it is just NOW that I know the truth I cannot hide behind all of those horrible thoughts.

Learning that I have Diabeteas 2 as well, because of the weight, and it runs in the family like crazy. Wishing their was a quick fix . But theres not. I should not be so hateful towards myself, because then it makes things worse , and sends me to aplace I do not want to be. Such as hurting myself, if that gets started again it will be difficult to control.

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Wow Mscat,

I am sorry that you are feeling like this!! One of the hardest things to do is to accept ourselves for who we are, especially if we are considered over or under weight by American standards. I struggle with this every day. And now that I had a baby and have the c-section fat role I am even more self-concious. It sucks, because it is hard to see how anyone else can love you when you don't love yourself.

Have you talked to your DR. about ways to get healthy? How long has it been since you have bicycled? Maybe that would be a good goal for you to get to a point where you can ride again. I don't know just throwing out a suggestion.

I wish the best for you, and know that we are here for you!!

Take it one step and one day at a time.

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I'm sorry about your problem but at least you feel better to share your story in this community, right? it feels good to have someone empathy.

I'm glad to hear that you went cycling. I love exercise too! It made us stronger and stronger. I'm suffering from bulimia and really wanna solve that issue :)

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well the bike days are over. It's been a good 17 years or more . Mainly because I do not even like going outside.

WHen I had bulimia, it was also with Anorexia. The bulimia made a mess of my teeth. My teeth absesses then literally fell apart , so ihad tohave root canals , lost too much enamal off the teeth, so some rotted out . Now I have to wear a partial. Gosh I had lost teeth as young as in my 20's due to the ED. :eek:

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I am sorry about all that you have had to endure, it sounds like you are more than alittle self-conscious about all of it. What do you think would be a good goal to work towards? Had you not heard what the Dr. said would you have worried about your weight? Were you feeling self-conscious about it going up prior to your appt?

Lots of new stresses to deal with is always difficult and can make prior ones worse. Best of luck to you!!

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I am sorry about all that you have had to endure, it sounds like you are more than alittle self-conscious about all of it. What do you think would be a good goal to work towards? Had you not heard what the Dr. said would you have worried about your weight? Were you feeling self-conscious about it going up prior to your appt?

Lots of new stresses to deal with is always difficult and can make prior ones worse. Best of luck to you!!

No I would not have worried about all the weight, if i had not looked at the Dr. It was the first time I looked . The Pdoc always weighs me , moreso because of the meds I take. I ate too much last night, and made myself vomit until I felt 'lighter" Then , I got real ill with stomach cramps all night and stuff. The medicine I am now on does make me not want food. Especially today , after being sick to my stomach . Trying to drink water though. I do know I have to eat a little just to lose the weight, because my body will go into starvation mode , and actually make it easier to put on more weight. :eek:

Trying to keep the stress to a min. But it is difficult. I am all alone most of the day until my son comes back from school around 4:30. He is autistic and is in a special class, that he goes to , and is out of town most of the day. I take pretty strong meds at night, that makes me sleep until afternoon most days. I have my dogs though, they are like family , so it is a good thing they are here.

Just hoping that my stomach has settled down , and their will be no more of that. I have a brother I am close to , he helps a lot. Still it is no good to know he is skinnier then i... my fat ass. My self esteem is gone now, and trying to not to turn to old coping methods of self harm.

i had gotten to the point where I did not care about my fattness , until the last appointment. Now it is there , so naturally I'm feeling really shitty about it. however, this is something that did not just happen overnight. I guess I think i am an idiot for letting it happen.

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