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staring down the mountain


nathan
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About a year ago, after a years of walking through my days faintly, hesitantly, carefully, I had an experience that hurt. It was an intense rejection. There was no good reason for it, other than perhaps I faced it too quietly.

Being so painfully dedicated to numbness, it was wierd to feel something. Terrifying actually. I was lost, but in a good way, I was unbound. My life was turned upside down, I was full of rage. Not angry rage, just powerful will. I was stripped from my numbess. Rather, my numbess was rejected, and I became addicted to feeling, I couldn't sit still.

For weeks after, I couldnt stop feeling. It was like I was droping pills. I kept reaching out to people, I kept imposing my 'MEness' onto them. I spoke before I thought, I didn't need to, I had a new intelligence that bypassed thought altogether. I couldn't help it, it felt so good. I felt like I was 'finding' them, like I was bypassing all social constructs, all anxieties, all false perceptions and communicating with them directly. Every person presented a rollercoaster of feeling. It was a craving. I didn't know who I was, but I liked what it felt like.

Eventually I regressed back into numbness...Maybe whatever it was inside of me found what it was looking for and left? Or maybe it didn't find what it needed to persist? Has anyone else felt something intense like this?

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Allan brings up a great point. Might be worth talking about.

You asked if anyone else has experienced anything like what you describe.

For me it is just the opposite my experience is always the intense emotional rush, talking before thinking it through. Pretty much exactly like you describe. It is who I am and I don't like it. It gets so tiring after awhile.

Yes you can connect better with people at the start (when your not experiencing negative emotions) but over time it has just the opposite effect.

At times I have been numb and though it has been when I am most hurt something about having the intense emotions (especially pain) go away felt great. I think the key is finding balance between the two states. The how to is the difficult part :(

Edited by randomperson
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