Where do I even begin?

[buckylover23]

I’ll start off by saying I’ve never IN MY LIFE talked to anyone about my true feelings/emotions (in real life I mean). It's just not something that comes naturally. I feel like there is so much wrong with me/my life I don’t know where to start or what I’m even asking. This is the first time I’ve "organized" my thoughts like this, usually they just race around in my mind…

My name is Becca and I’m 18 years old. I feel so messed up but at the same time I really don’t have a reason to feel this way. I've been given absolutely everything, I'll even admit how spoiled I am. I come from a good family with 2 loving parents, an older sister, and 2 older brothers. I remember my childhood as being happy. I loved my parents and loved spending time with them. Pretty much a happy normal childhood.

I started having “strange feelings” for girls in 1st grade. But I didn’t really understand what these feelings meant until 4th grade (I now consider myself bisexual). Anyway, once I realized what these feelings meant I started feeling incredibly guilty about them and believe I went through a period of depression. I felt just empty and hopeless and wanted to die, all while feeling like I had nobody to talk to. While thinking about all my current day problems I want always to say the root problem is because of that traumatic period of time in 4th grade.

As a child my parents would tell everyone I met “she’s just shy” because they didn’t want me to appear rude I guess, however I always got mad at them for telling people that and asked why they always had to do that. As I grew up I realized how true this was and how much I despise myself for this. From 8th grade to about 10th grade I’d be cold towards people hoping they would think I didn’t like them even if I did, but at the same time expecting them to still like me. I didn’t think about why I did this until later in high school when I realized I’m absolutely terrified of rejection and embarrassment so I rejected people before they even got the chance to know me. I don’t do this quite as much now but I still don’t really open up to people to let them get to know me.

Nowadays, I’m living with my dad trying to get residency here to get in state tuition for college. Pretty much every day I think about how lacking my social skills and self esteem are. People like me okay at work I guess and have invited me to hang out but I don’t want to which is the fucked up thing. I want friends and to feel connections but want to be alone all the time too, what the hell!? I work with my brothers and resent them because everybody likes them so much and they’re very sociable unlike me, one of them is even going to be the general manager soon, while the other is being promoted to manager. It hurts so bad to think how much better than me they are at what seems like everything and how happy they must be. When I’m around them I feel worthless, but why should I? They’re working shitty jobs while I’m going to be going to college on a 50% athletic scholarship. But I do feel worthless. Anyone can make me feel worthless and easily hurt my feelings. I often think about suicide (actually not so much recently, but countless times during my life), not a specific plan, just suicide in general, especially when someone hurts my feelings or when embarrassment is just overwhelming I just want to go home, curl up in bed under the covers, and die.

I don’t have a good relationship with anyone now, including my family. Like I said before, I don’t feel connections to anyone and can't relate to people. I mean I love them and would be devastated if any one of them died. But I never talk to any of them which I used to think was what normal families were like. I’ve been living alone for the past 3 weeks because my dad has been visiting my mom and the only things I miss are what he did (cleaning the house, taking care of the dogs, buying me things, basically caring for me like a child), I don’t actually miss HIM. *sigh*

I just don’t feel right. I don’t feel like a normal person. I don’t have an identity or stand up for anything and can be easily persuaded to agree with someone’s point of view. I'm not confident I'll be able to take care of myself in the real world. My "best" and really only friend I met a year ago in high school, he's 17 (gay). I say "best" because I don't really even know how I feel about him. We talk on the phone every day (more like me listening to him talk) and before I moved we spent pretty much every second together but he can be such a dick! I think the only reason I am still friends with him is because I figure having him is better than having nobody. He's so confident and outgoing and sort of just care free, which is what I want to be like. Everybody loves him even though he's probably the meanest most narcissistic person I've met. I feel strange for not liking to smoke pot and getting drunk and partying. It's like I somewhat blame my parents for my problems for raising me to have morals and a conscience because now I don't fit in with everyone else who seem to be proud about how often and how much they drink and do drugs and shoplift etc..

I’m too embarrassed to tell my parents I want to see a psychologist which they suggested I do once then forgot about I guess...

I want to go to college to major in Chinese and get into international business. But I can't even have a conversation in English let alone another language. I don't really know what is wrong with me, if I'm depressed or what. I just know I don't want this to be my life. I honestly do hope there is something wrong with me so I can't be fully blamed for my problems. But a big fear I have is that therapy will not help me and will make me feel worse about everything. I'm so scared I'm going to end up killing myself and devastating my parents.

Believe it or not this is the very condensed version. I don’t really know what I’m looking for, just words of encouragement or something I guess, or where to go from here. I feel like from what I wrote my problems don't seem very severe compared to a lot of other people's on here but it's just so overwhelming for me not having anyone I'm comfortable with to talk to about anything personal because it's something I think about and have to deal with almost constantly.

[Guest]

Because you are 18 you do not need to consult with your parents about going to therapy if you have medical insurance you can sign up somewhere yourself where they accept the insurance and go by yourself I do believe. But I am not an expert I would consider it if I were you though. I hope you have a nice day.

[Kaskade]

Hiyas Becca,

Welcome to the site and thank you for sharing. You admitted it wasn't an easy thing to do so thank you for your courage. Sounds like you are dealing with a lot of conflicting emotions and I am sorry to hear that.

I can relate to some of the things you mentioned. I also had a good childhood, very stable, and I know about fear of rejection and what that can do to you. You're right, it messes up your “connections” and that happens to be the same term I use. I'm no expert but it sounds to me like you are depressed and struggling with some self-esteem issues and a lot of guilt and/or shame. Your problems are just as important and valid as anyone else's by the way.

In my case, I have been trying to re-establish connections with people even tho it is difficult. And yeah, there are times I also feel like going home, curling up in bed and dying too. It's not easy, I'll give you that much. Still, I gotta build up my confidence a little at a time. I know I have made some good friends on this site and that has been a big boost for me. It helps to talk to people that are struggling like yourself and looking for ways to help each other out.

It sounds like you're not too happy with your choice for a “best” friend and it doesn't seem like that relationship is benefitting you much. You might want to re-think if you want to keep that friendship or not. As for the partying and drinking and drugs... your choices are the right ones. That is a self-destructive lifestyle and it's obvious to me that you are too smart for that so good for you! There's nothing wrong with you, you just have a brain is all.

Seeing a psychologist is a good idea and something I would encourage you to pursue. I tried to figure out a lot of stuff out on my own for a long time but I finally started seeing a therapist a few months ago. As it turns out I found a really good one for me right away. It has helped me tremendously.

Don't let your fears control you is the advice I would offer you. I know that's not easy to do. I have a hard time with it too – always dwelling on what might go wrong and thus never trying. Slowly take a step here and there out of your comfort zone and try to embrace a new relationship. Keep trying and you'll find someone soon enough that you can start a healthy friendship with. I emphasize “healthy” because sometimes we are looking for “perfect” and unfortunately that just doesn't exist no matter how much we want it too. Also, try not to compare yourself to others like your brothers. You are you and you are the best at being that, no one else can be you. Celebrate who you are.

Keep on sharing here because I know the people here listen and care. You are welcome to send me a message any time if you should ever just need to chat with someone.

Hope this helps.

- Kaskade -

[Athena]

Hi Becca,

I can relate to much of what you say. I think therapy would be helpful for you, but I think you need to find somebody who's good at working with people your age. I went at age 17 and now at age 48, and I don't think I could have handled at 17 what I'm going through now in therapy.

Just being exposed to a normal person, who can tell you where your thinking is off can be helpful. Having a caring empathetic person listening to you is immensely helpful. And no, don't feel guilty that you don't have horrible traumas in your life. Ever see the movie "Ordinary People"? Pretty ordinary people living their lives, but an "ordinary boy" has emotional troubles nobody seems to want to acknowledge. "Dead Poet's society" seems to come to mind right now too. Perhaps you would find some solace in these movies, perhaps recognize yourself in them, and maybe it will give you some ideas on how to heal yourself.

I wish you the best.