Freaking out (TRIGGER)

[chatterbox512]

I am freaking out so bad right now. I just don't know what to do. I have been living in crisis mode for over a year now. Having good days and some good weeks, but the bad days and bad weeks are almost unbearable. I am triggered so easily and it is hard to avoid. My emotions are all over the board and I can't seem to keep them under control. I will be happy one minute and than panic stricken the next which then turns into a deep depression. I am surprised that I am able to function when I get into this mode as all I want to do is curl up and die. I took a shower today and really could not make it hot enough. I wanted to make it so hot that I could not feel the gut wrenching pain inside, but it didn't work so well. So now my next move is to drink until it goes away. Most days it doesn't take to much before that feeling starts to subside but I still hate that this is what I have to do. I just want it to stop!!! It getts really scary when I have flashes in my mind of drowning myself, or jumping off a bridge, or cutting myself. The only thing that saves me from doing any of that at this moment is 'what if someone notices'. I know 'how stupid is she' but as long as it works. I need to have it work long enough that I can get through the current emotional crisis, than we will work on the next one.

I am struggling so much right now. I am facing a back surgery that is going to hopefully correct one of the issues my mother caused when I was younger. I guess there is another reason why when you hit a child you should stay away from the head. I have a screwed up next that is caused by my mother kicking me in the head when she got angry at me. I am to young to even be considering this and yet there seems I have no other option. So on top of dealing with the fact that I am going to have this surgery done, I am also dealing the immense feelings of hatred that I have for this woman who is supposed to be my mother and is only the person who gave birth to me, nothing more. She has never been my mother and that is difficult because I am left feeling totally alone in this world. I feel like I have not family outside of my son and husband. Lost, angry, abandoned, alone, guilty, and sad are just a few of the feelings I am trying to keep at bay. I am triggered by other people discussing thier family matters and what they are doing to resolve there own challenges, as I am also struggling with mine.

My therapist wants me to do so much work to regain my familial relationships with my brothers and sisters, but I just don't have the energy to want to do it right now. I want them to know what is going on, I want them to just call or send me an email just because but they are so busy with there own things that this doesn't cross their minds. I honestly don't do it either, but that doesn't mean I dont' want them to. I know two way road. When you are starting from scratch rebuilding a relationship with 10 different people it seems like an overwhelming task. Even when it is just broken down into two or three it still seems overwhelming. I guess it isn't going to go anywhere unless I do the work.

Okay that is enough for now. I have a gazzilion things running through my mind right now and I don't know how to put the rest into words.

[CantGiveItAway]

I dont have great relationships with my family either, its hard for me to put myself out there when you feel they dont really care and or have just kind of written you off. Ive thought that if I died, yea some would probably be alittle sad but they soon would realize that there lives wouldnt really be affected at all. You would think that your family would want to atleast send you a text now and then just so you dont go long strecthes of time without speaking. But for my experience I think its mostly my fault because Im not always the easiest person to get a converstaion going with. But I wouldnt want to go years and years without seeing or hearing from them so I would try and check in with them even if they didnt want to hear from me.

We are here for you:)

[Athena]

Mel,

I'm sorry you're going through these crazy mood swings. Do you have any idea what causes them? You mentioned people here triggering you. That has happened to me, even when I was in a relatively good mood, which shocked the hell out of me. But I think it's good when you can identify the trigger.

Sometimes I know it's something I ate - I know that sounds silly but read up on "blood sugar and depression" and you won't be so surprised.

Do you have anti-anxiety pills (mild tranquilizer) that can settle you down? I find that prevents me from drinking too much and definitely helps me sleep. I didn't have them with me the other day when I was out of town and got triggered. They would have prevented a lot of bad stuff from happening. The nice thing is you don't have to take them all the time, only when you need them.

I hope you can talk to your husband about this. It sounds like he'd be very supportive.

[chatterbox512]

Yeah that just about sumes it up for me too. Don't think they would really care if something happened to me. That is a terrible feeling to have about your family.

My mother is unemployed right now and she doesn't even take the time to contact me. Why would anyone else contact me if she doesn't. It feels like I am always an after thought and I can't stand that. Even when I send a message to anyone it takes a couple of days or weeks for anyone to get back to me. Talk about feeling neglected!!

[Guest ASchwartz]

Hi Chatterbox,

Last year I went through shoulder surgery. I was miserable leading up to that surgery. Of course you feel upset and angry. That is more than normal. I didn't want anyone "reassuring me," because it was my surgery and I had a right to feel as I did. I guess I was a little defiant.

Frankly, I would not want my mother contacting me if she abused me by kicking me in the head, etc. I know she's your mother and all of that but, come on, she kicked you in the head and you are sorry she does't contact you? Of course, I can fully understand you wishing you had a different kind of mother.

By the way, what has she not contacting you got to do with other people? You were kicked and abused because of her, not because of you. She doesn't contact you because of her not because of you. You are a lovable person and you need to know and remember that. Also, we love you!!!!!!!

After what you went through its no wonder that your emotions go up and down. I know about that myself. Like others have told you, family can be awful. Mine was not as bad as yours but it was not terrific either, believe me.

Please know, as I'm sure you do, that we love you and are here for you.

Allan:)

[Luna-]

{{{ Mel }}}

[Athena]

Mel,

Hope you're having a better day today. My thoughts are with you.