chatterbox512 Posted February 21, 2011 Report Share Posted February 21, 2011 I am freaking out so bad right now. I just don't know what to do. I have been living in crisis mode for over a year now. Having good days and some good weeks, but the bad days and bad weeks are almost unbearable. I am triggered so easily and it is hard to avoid. My emotions are all over the board and I can't seem to keep them under control. I will be happy one minute and than panic stricken the next which then turns into a deep depression. I am surprised that I am able to function when I get into this mode as all I want to do is curl up and die. I took a shower today and really could not make it hot enough. I wanted to make it so hot that I could not feel the gut wrenching pain inside, but it didn't work so well. So now my next move is to drink until it goes away. Most days it doesn't take to much before that feeling starts to subside but I still hate that this is what I have to do. I just want it to stop!!! It getts really scary when I have flashes in my mind of drowning myself, or jumping off a bridge, or cutting myself. The only thing that saves me from doing any of that at this moment is 'what if someone notices'. I know 'how stupid is she' but as long as it works. I need to have it work long enough that I can get through the current emotional crisis, than we will work on the next one. I am struggling so much right now. I am facing a back surgery that is going to hopefully correct one of the issues my mother caused when I was younger. I guess there is another reason why when you hit a child you should stay away from the head. I have a screwed up next that is caused by my mother kicking me in the head when she got angry at me. I am to young to even be considering this and yet there seems I have no other option. So on top of dealing with the fact that I am going to have this surgery done, I am also dealing the immense feelings of hatred that I have for this woman who is supposed to be my mother and is only the person who gave birth to me, nothing more. She has never been my mother and that is difficult because I am left feeling totally alone in this world. I feel like I have not family outside of my son and husband. Lost, angry, abandoned, alone, guilty, and sad are just a few of the feelings I am trying to keep at bay. I am triggered by other people discussing thier family matters and what they are doing to resolve there own challenges, as I am also struggling with mine. My therapist wants me to do so much work to regain my familial relationships with my brothers and sisters, but I just don't have the energy to want to do it right now. I want them to know what is going on, I want them to just call or send me an email just because but they are so busy with there own things that this doesn't cross their minds. I honestly don't do it either, but that doesn't mean I dont' want them to. I know two way road. When you are starting from scratch rebuilding a relationship with 10 different people it seems like an overwhelming task. Even when it is just broken down into two or three it still seems overwhelming. I guess it isn't going to go anywhere unless I do the work. Okay that is enough for now. I have a gazzilion things running through my mind right now and I don't know how to put the rest into words. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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