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I´ve been sitting all night in pain, have had suicide thoughts again. I think my husband is abusing me and controlling me for visa. He doesnt want me to go see him suddenly, saying he is "not ready psychologically":(

He say its not me, that when we are here in my country and we are happy he will not leave me.

I have to sit 6 months without seeing him in real ( will see him over cam) because he has this issue suddenly. I wish I could die for a moment and wake up again when the pain is over.

He still controls me from there,I am not allowed to travel anywhere then he will divorce me,I am not allowed to talk with males. I wasnt allowed to drown my sorrows with alcohol. He doesnt care I hurt and how I feel, he just say no dont feel that it will go over.

Wrote a post in the relationship problems section, it explain much better.

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I am so sorry greeneyes that you are in so much pain. There is nothing more painful than someone saying to you that "its not you, its me"...this is no clear answer. I was in a long term relationship for ten years, I even helped raise his two children that he had custody..then one day he says to me that he needs to be alone, its not me its him and he justed needed to be "alone" no other explaination then that. It was like ok the children are mostly grown and you are now fired. It really hurt. His need to be "alone" lasted about two weeks, then he went back to his ex. That was in 2002 and I am still on my own, he has sensed married someone else...still no explaination of went wrong of course I have my own theroies. But I did discover that I would rather be alone than lonely in a relationship.

Im not saying to you that you should cut him loose at this point, I just wanted to share that I understand the pain involved. You do deserve better though and I feel he should explain what he means by not being psycologically ready...lay all the cards on the table, I really don't have any good advice of suggestions. Maybe at some point he will open up to you.

But don't feel you are alone, there are many of us out here that will be there for you, hang in there ok...((((hugs)))


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Guest ASchwartz

Hi Sadgreeneyes,

But, why are you having suicidal thoughts? If he is abusive, even from afar, aren't you pleased that he's far away and wouldn't you be better off if he did divorce you?

Can you explain or clarify?


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I was sitting up all night and slept all day, so I´m sorry I´m so slow back here for your responses and support.

I wrote him some messages before I went to sleep ( in the morning) saying what I meant, some bad, some good with love, tonight I sent I know he use me for visa, then some self pity messages. He was sleeping, suddenly he hadnt any psychologically issues anymore, he said he had happy news for me, dont cancel the trip:eek: like what happened, has he gotten rid of the secret ex or women down there so I can come anyway or has he just abused me over the night being a narcissist as I know how they behave, seriously there must be something wrong with him:confused:

Ok, so I will travel to see him anyway and look for this intimacy that I doubt he is able to give. Because he is an abuser the way he has treated me the last days. No doubt.

You know, to answer your questions Allan, speaking about how he has treated me the last two days, if I was healthy I should have said get off of me and leave me alone or cut it out and treat me right ( as what he has done these two days are emotionally abusive), but you know I am not healthy, I suffer from fear of abandonment/codependency and ptsd and have hard time leaving even someone who treat me bad, the latest 7 years I have been the person who go to any lengths not to be abandoned. I didnt 10 years ago.

May be it is because I´ve met only abusers the latest 10 years, so falling for an abuser makes it extremely difficult to leave for a person like me, those who get attracted to the bad men and seems to not be able to leave them behind. The first abuser I met was my first love, I nearly died at the hospital, so I dont do a new suicide attempt. I did, though, think out ways to harm myself for some minutes, but had nothing to reach for in the house and good is that. Not that I would do it again, but last time I did I did it spontaneous as I was hurting and ignored, I wasnt intending to kill myself, I just did it without thinking I would really die, I took 580 mg of cipramil, a deadly dose. I waked up after 1 hour. Lucky to have survived 4-5 doctors standing around me telling me.

I am the person who rather wait to be abandoned instead of being the one to abandon, because I cant stand leaving someone I love, cant stand thinking I may hurt the person who even treat me bad, to know in the end I didnt do him wrong by leaving. In case he did love me. Its a sad fact which I need help for, but it is like it is now:confused:

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U know, I am so lucky that are still alive because if my first love J was 5 minutes later back home I would be dead. The doctors told me if I was later I would not survive.

Jari never had any car outside the house we lived in. He didnt owe a car here. This was the only night in 18 months he had car outside, borrowed from his friend. I didnt know he had car outside.

If he didnt come back I would be dead. Even he did come back, if he did not have that car I would be dying there in the flat.

It still makes me have goose bumps thinking about this, as I must have had a guardian angel watching over me.

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Nobody deserves to be abused. The man your with is really bringing you down emotionally . I understand that you have fear of abandoment issues, but aren't you better off leaving your abuser then to have to be abused?

If i were you, I would go to a womans shelter. Get away from the abuse and start your life over without feeling so badly. If you cab get into counseling that will be good for you too.

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mscat,thank you for your supportive words, its true no one deserves to be abused, I have felt the latest two months that he may have abused me but it has been so difficult to know as it has been reasonable at the same time, but I do feel he knows what he did and that he did abuse me.

But it is the last 4 days it really went off, lashing out to me in frustration, maybe exposing his real character what he´s actually after. It was at least emotional abuse as he created extremely damage, it took away my trust ( not that I had any big trust in him as I dont trust men I´m in relationship with), he took away my worth of feeling loved, he made me know/think/feel I am used for visa as I and he said :

Me: so what you gonna do ( as he knew I might not be financially able to bring him to my country), leave me and marry another woman who has enough money to bring you out of the country???

Him : yes maybe! he said annoyed and frustrated.

I was so hurt and I asked how can he say such thing to me, he said he meant if all roads were blocked for him and me to be together. But you know, the road to his country would never be blocked. But he cannot provide for a family down there, he has no flat, he doesnt own anything, it would take him all his life to buy a flat. I can understand the situation, but to say he would leave me and marry another women that was really hurtful

Two days later I told him I dont feel good and why should I continue the marriage after what he told me, he suddenly said strict : you know, I think we are not happy together ( he might had right to say that as we have argue because I have had a lot of mistrust which has created damage to the marriage).

I have felt the latest month he has had enough and I´ve ben scared he finally would say enough as he said one day some weeks ago that there will come one day where he would say exactly that, that he would say : leave-mee!

So when I said about the money and I asked him what should he do then, marry someone else, then he said annoyed yes maybe. Then followed by me saying two days ago : why should I continue, then he said I wasnt allowed to visit him as he suddenly wasnt psychologically ready, but would be ready here in my country. Still I wasnt allowed to travel anywhere not seeing any males and not drink anything in town. If I did travel ANYWHERE he would divorce me as in Islam its sin to travel without the husbands consent.

So I wrote him how bad he treated me and said I was crying every night from now on, my life was a h**ll now, saying in revenge I had told an iraq guy I could marry him yes if he ( my husband) treated me bad, that he didnt need me anymore now when I wasnt financially able and that I was sure he wouldnt cry over me if he never saw me again.

Then he wrote out of the blue, I have happy news for you, do you want to hear it? I said yes, then he said dont cancel the trip. And said I would know why he had changed his mind tomorrow.

So he suddenly changed his mind. Why, did he do it to punish me, to hide an ex, or did he just feel threatened, or what?

I´m sorry my long post, but maybe someone of you would take the time to let me understand why he would hurt me so much and say what he said:confused:

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My heart goes out to you. I feel we are were tackling the same issues in a way. Down to the way the people we cared for react.

Like you I have major rejection issues that stem from abuse of some type when I was younger. I know it is hard to let go.

I will tell you what I heard felt and have been thinking for me and what has happened.. that is all I can do.. I hope it can help give you peace or clarity in some ways.

First anytime the ex needed something somehow all of the sudden it would seem things were somehow 'ok' again. Like there were no problems.. and I wanted to believe it was true soo bad. I wanted so badly to believe I was loved. I have never been loved by a woman.

But over and over she would make me feel worse.. it got to the point where the 'good times' felt fake even. It would grate at even our normal conversations and our bad characteristics was coming out more and more on a normal basis. I got to thinking, How can this ever work?

This won't just fix itself. Even if it was my fault, what would change could change if she was unwilling to work with me? If we don't get along now how could we ever get along in a marriage?

I am finally standing up for myself and saying goodbye to everyone involved in that mess.

Not that it is easy but rather because it is the only way I will ever start to really heal.

I can truthfully say for the first time it is totally over between us on all levels.. and you know what after all the pain she caused me.. it doesn't hurt as bad as I thought it would..

as mscat said no one deserves to be abused in any way.

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Thanks randomperson,

I just dont know is it my fault some of this, I guess, but I think to say what he said was really awful. Sometimes I wonder if he is an abuser, like I mentioned, and sometimes I even think is he a narcissist. He doesnt seem like one, but I know he has abused me earlier in fact, remember that now, most of the time he seems normal, but it seems like he is abusive.

I hope I will see what I am looking for when I go down now in end of April. He said he was afraid of being the same person as last time I was there, so it was best I didnt come. Suddenly he has no issue anymore.

You know, I told him yesterday I wanted a real reason if we should talk on cam again. I said I´m sorry but this is so weird I dont know should I laugh or cry, I do both. He said he would give a real reason, he said he had this BIG reason why he said I couldnt come. Today that BIG reason seems to have vanished out of the blue.

Is it any wonder I dont know should I laugh or cry:eek:

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We are a lot.. I mean a lot alike.. so I can't tell you if any fault lies in us simply because I am too close to the issue. But I can say regardless of fault for me it didn't get better and only much much worse with time.

I also know it is like Malign has been gently saying everyone deserves to be loved. If the person you are with has doubts and is not willing to try or is hiding things that is not good. (I hope I understood what he was saying correctly..def don't want to put words in his mouth)

FYI my ex had some BIG secret causing the problems as well that vanished.. never did find out what is was. After that everything was suddenly ALL my fault.

But this is my life and we are all unique. I truly hope and wish the best for you and will continue to be here for your support through this.

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Yes I understand its hard to know, I dont know is he hiding the fact he has ex waiting there, the visa thing, or if he is just abusive or if he has shown this side as a result of our problems together or what it is with him, but he has been abusive, this I know from before and now. I´m not perfect either, but I would never say what he said. You just dont if you truly love someone.

Like its not my fault that I´m not financially able to get him here, then he said what he said, so it doesnt seem very loving in my ears.

Now his BIG issue has vanished over night, I find that laughable because it doesnt make any sense, like you say they dont make sense.

Weird how we have these people telling us about this BIG BIG issue and suddenly it vanishes, that is quite laughable at same time tragic, you know..:confused::(

Thanks for good wishes randomperson and the same to you:)

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I always related to the situation you were in. Don't blame yourself for his quirks. Guard your heart until he shows he can be trusted and that will take time. We both were spotting major problems thinking they would go away with time. Problems can go away but only if *both* parties are mature enough and willing to go the extra mile to change and work with each other. If nothing changes, if it only gets worse you will eventually have to ask yourself is this what you want in a life partner?

More than anything be safe.

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Guest ASchwartz


The person who is the target of abuse, like you at the hands of this husband, is never sure if its her fault or his. Its amazing. The person who is abused and harmed believes its their own fault. Sadgreeneyes, its not your fault...its not your fault...its not your fault. I'm repeating it in the hope that you will absorb it.

The target of abuse, just like yourself, fears leaving because they fear abandoment. That is also amazing, being with an abuser feels better than being alone. Its not true, its not true, its not true. If you leave him, you will find someone better and you deserve that, to be with someone who really loves you and treats you with respect and dignity.

Are you really sure you want to travel to see him??? Are you really sure its the best and healthiest thing for you???

I can't decide that question. But, in my opinion, its an important question to at least think about and I do not know the answer for your life, I only know the question.

Warmly, Allan

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I agree with Allan on everything. This is something to think about.. like I did.

There is still a underlying problem and he doesn't seem to want to work on it or even acknowledge there is a problem.. much like the situation I was in.

But I can't say anything because I was in the same situation and I know how hard it is to let go, it would be very hypocritical of me.

I set up a rule to finding love. If you would be happier being alone, be alone.

At the end I realized I was ignoring this rule I set for myself.

I just want you to be safe and happy.

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Thank you, I just posted new thread, I am so in pain tonight, I dont know what to do. I dont want to lose him, how can I want him after all this I dont know. I must be very in need of him. I think I wont find anyone else to love me, I never do, I only find bad men. And I´m thinking is it so bad, I didnt want a man in the first place, so...I dont know I am scared.

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