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Trying So Hard To Cope


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I didn't even know which forum to post this under because if involves deep depression, unbearable anxiety, addiction, rea relationship, and everything in between. So I just chose one to get it off my chest before I freak out and vreak down mentally. I'm hurting so much inside and I lack the support that I need. It seemms I spen my whole life watching out for other people, protection them from hurt, trying to fix their problems, always putting myself last. That's the way I've always been. I put all my emotions in this box under lock and key somewhere down deep to where I think that it will never be found. That box is full now

I've been married to my husband for two years. I have one kid from a previous marriage another by my husband which is 9 months old. My husband spent 20 years of his life being an addict, doing any and every drug he could get ahold of. When I met him he had just finished a year long rehab and had been clean for that year. But I didn't know he was in rehab unitl 4 monthes into our relationship. I didn't know a lot of things. Eventually we got married, I thought he was clean, and I became very ill with what doctors are thinking could be MS. I started having muscle lock ups and so on. I had to quit my job as a manager of a major retail company, go through a lot of tests, take a lot of medicines just to be able to move and get up by myself. Little did I know that my husband was stealing my medicine little by little. Then to add my husband to the lease, (I had my own place before we got married, he had nothing) he had to undergo a background check. Needless to say, it came back three pages long so I got kicked out of my home. We managed to find a home, get settled in with the help of his parents, and he found a job. He was clean for the first four months and then I found out I was pregnant. He relapsed, about wrecked and killed me and my child and unborn child while intoxicated because I was too damn dumb to know because I've never done a drug in my life or hung around people like that. I kicked him out, he got sober, we got back together, and I thought everything was great.

But for the last three months, on a daily basis I get mentally and emotionally tore down by him. He a different person, definitely not the person I married. It seems as though his intention is to hurt me purposely. I don't know what happened to my husband. He corners me and screams in my face atleast two or three times a day, he throws things, kicks things, yells in front of the kids and tears me down bit by bit by bringing things up that he knows is gonna hurt me bad. My depression is so bad right now, that I want to sleep for a week and not have to worry about waking up. I don't want to eat, I don't want to do anything. My heart actually hurts. I've had four anxiety attacks just today and my head is pounding. My medicine is not helping at all. I feel so worthless. I try to bundle it up and be strong, I go to church when the doors open, I'm a good person, I teach my sunday school classes even when my heart is heavy, I continue to go on. I still love my husband. I just want to know what I've done. I'm beginning if its impossible to be loved. I have had three relationships that Ive been in, that I was done so wrong, and im seeing it happen again. It makes me think that I am impossible of being loved. What is wrong with me. The more I try the more I fail. Nobody understands. My family takes his side because he puts on such a good act. They have even said it's me because I'm hard to love. What is wrong with me and what will ease this pain. I;m tired of tears and sorrow, I want the man back that I married and live happily ever after. For once in my life I want to be truely loved........ or is it even possible?:rolleyes:

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Thank you so much Lindamomof7. You have just put into words, what I've been trying to say for months now. You are gifted with this as I've read many of your posts. I do love my husband, and I guess you could say that I don't look at divorce as an option anymore. I was married once and was cheated on, and physically, mentally and emotionally abused. I have a child from that marriage. I have grieved with such heart ache every day for the last five years, watching her struggle all because of being from a split home. Her father is, I guess you could say, one of irresponsibility and questionable character, and seeing her go for visitation and the sad look on her face just kills me. I will never put another child through that. Now that I have an infant, and things are starting to get a bit crazy in this marriage, I'm trying my best to explore every avenue that can be explored to save it. But as said, I have got to think about all of our well being. It's emotionally tearing me down. I talked to him a couple of hours ago. It's been a sleepless night and he works second shift so I told him this was going to have to stop. He started to get angry with me right away. I forget what I said that made him hush, but I believe it was what you had mentioned in your reply about fighting his demons and bringing me down in the process. When I suggested he get his head on straight a few days without me, he completely changed. I think he sees that I'm serious when I say he needs to get his ducks in a row. I'm trying to live my life as a good christian woman, and at times I feel as though Satan is coming through my own husband to try to get me fail in some way. I've prayed, let satan know that there is no place for him here, and kept on going to church and rebuking him everytime I could see his work being done through my loved ones. I don't think my husband is just that strong yet, or far enough along in his christian walk. Who knows? I just know, that I'm fighting for my family and I want to keep us together and happy. But sometimes I just run of energy from fighting so hard. It's time he pick up the pace and do his part to fight his own demons because quite frankly, I'm exhausted.

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