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a slow fade


Proverbs31:28
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my life has been a slow fade into darkness. all of the dreams i dreamed are gone. all of the hopes i had are gone. all of my potential and possibilities are gone. i am but a shadow of the person i once was. shadows are lifeless. shadows serve absolutely no purpose in this world. they are merely a representation of something bigger, better, full of life. i am a shadow. i am nothing. i am used up, tossed aside and forgotten. tonight, i sit and pray that the final glimpse of light will fade away. i am done with this life.

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Lifeless,

This is depression talking. You are embedded in the middle of a depressed brain. This seems like reality, and to a great extent it is your reality, but it is also not the only reality possible. Truly and honestly, things can get better than they feel for you right now. Obviously treatment is not working out well at the moment. Could it be time for a fresh consult with a doctor? Please refresh my memory on what treatment looks like for you right now.

Mark

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TY, Mark. I am sure your words hold truth but I cannot see it in my life. I have been waiting 5 years for things "to get better." Every time it looked like they would, something more horrible would happen. So, I have now learned to fear the good times- not that there are many- because I know it is just the calm before the storm. I have spent the last 72 hours with absolutely no human contact. I did so by choice to see if it would make a difference to me, to my family, to anyone. It doesn't. Which leads me to the question: to whom would it truly matter if I disappeared? Everything I read tells me it will hurt the ones who love me but, truthfully, my kids are ALL I have in this world. I am not exaggerating. I do not know ONE other person who would truly grieve my passing. My life is so completely empty and without meaning and I am seriously self-destructive.

I am in therapy and I do see a psych. Just saw him Thursday, in fact. And, I know they are trying to help but, really, I am not sure I expect to ever "feel better" anymore. In the past 3 months, I have been inpatient, failed IOP and now go to one-on-one counseling and I am right back where I started.

I am tired of looking around at what my life has become and felling the shame and guilt over and over again. I have tried so many times to get back on track, only to fail again and again. I think I have hit the limit of what the human psyche can endure.

***MAY TRIGGER*** I have resorted to cutting and starving myself in an effort to see if there is any pain deeper than what I feel emotionally and I have to say NO, there is not. I used to eat to hide my sorrow, my guilt, my shame. Now, I am so sickened by the thought, sight or smell of food...

My kids are amazing, fantastic kids who deserved a MUCH much better life than I will ever be able to provide them. I have thought it through and looked to the future and it is simply bleak. No promise of a better day in store. Nothing is ever going to be the way it was "supposed to be." I am sure I am damaging my children irreparably by my mere presence in their lives. I am at a crossroads and, honestly, I don't know what to do. I don't know why I would continue on but for their sake and I am not sure that is best for them anymore. I used to believe it was... now, I'm not so sure.

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lifeless,

i can so relate to you right now.i have 8 kids and no family that cares if we lived or died .we didnt have food last week and everyone knew that, even my mom but no one helped. what i have relized is that i gave those thoughtless people to much power. who tha heck are they ,they cant determine our worth. you get up and get some fresh air ,cause you are strong.and your kids love you and think you are the best an kids are good judges of caracter.Our lives are a little like boxing ,right now your in your corner getting a game plan together, now come out swinging cause your worth it we cant be defeated!fight through this and get to a doctor asap.make them get your meds right!love ya keep your head up!!

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  • 5 weeks later...

Your doing better then you think.

I used to think that nobody cared about me, I know the hopelessness that, that gives a man. Though I would like to tell you something that I was taught during a praise and worship meeting.

I've been depressed for awhile now so I must be doing pretty good for myself. What I mean by that is I know you are a Christian so the family that isn't Christian, isn't doing anything with their life, they don't pose a threat to Lucifer, they're doing nothing with their life.

With people like you and me, he has to worry about us. The devil is afraid of us because he knows that we're going to do something with ourselves and he will do all he can to stop that.

So with that non Christian family he doesn't have to worry about, he doesn't need to do anything to them they're no threat to him, he can leave them alone.

With people like us, the people he's afraid of, he needs to get to us and drive us down. He wants to stop of from fulfilling our purpose. If you give up now, Satan wins. Do you want that. The devil is laughing right now because hes winning the battle, Don't let him win the war.

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I can totaly relate... but you have small kids???? THEY need you.... stick around for them... noone can take your place in their lives....

I so many times feel I can disapear and it would be weeks before anyone found me missing... Hubs comes home every weekend.... well If I killed myself away from the house.. he would just think I got tired of his BS ... so it would be weeks...

I do talk to people.. but they do not really care.... Damn it Babbling....

JT

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OB1 and JT, thank you for your kind thoughts today. I truly appreciate them. Because of my kids, I do pull myself up and put on my happy face and enter the world everyday. As much as I think the world despises me and is waiting to devour me, I will participate in it... for their sake alone. Thank you again. Your words hold much truth and meaning.

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I have been waiting 5 years for things "to get better." Every time it looked like they would, something more horrible would happen. So, I have now learned to fear the good times- not that there are many- because I know it is just the calm before the storm. I have spent the last 72 hours with absolutely no human contact. I did so by choice to see if it would make a difference to me, to my family, to anyone......

...... I am at a crossroads and, honestly, I don't know what to do.....

Hi Proverbs,

Please stick with us and keep trying even though it is so tough at the moment. I have quoted one of your original post and these things sat in the forefront of my mental space.

This may be hard to hear, well it was for me the first time I heard it. (I feel a bit rude for even saying it) but hear it goes in the nicest, caring, comforting tone possible. You say you have been 'waiting' for 5 years for it to change.

Well I have finally come to realise that it doesn't change by itself, we need to be proactive in helping ourselves get better. I so often forgot this important aspect and need someone to remind me. You may have tried things and they haven't met your expectation and you may not feel like you have the energy to keep going, but you actually do (I believe this because of the 5 year thing). If is anything like me I seam to put my energy into protecting me from my fears. So like you I fear the good times because so often things don't turn out the way I plan, hope or want. Often these things are out of my control. So I am trying to focus the the things I have control of. That is doing things I think I might enjoy and actually not focusing on the result or end or what could, should or might happen. Just being, just doing. After that nothings else matters.

You say you at the 'crossroads' , I experience this as a confusing place to be. And I put pressure on myself based on outcomes of what could rather than just getting and doing. Crossroads might be times of opportunity where you might try something new, even if you think you don't or wouldn't normally like it. By getting out and being you might shift a little bit of darkness. At times this is working for me and at others it doesn't. But now at least there is some positives to hang onto however tiny they are. But it is also providing me the confidence and energy to try again. It not easy but small steps first.

Hey and besides you have us to keep company and I would miss reading your posts and listening to your experiences. I am also sure somewhere deep down you have some love and understanding for yourself. It's not easy finding it in the darkness though. Please keep trying to find it, you do matter more than you could imagine to your family.

Take care

Confused12

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Guest ASchwartz

Hi Proverbs and Confused,

I agree with Confused that we cannot wait for things to improve but must take steps to make improvements. For instance, even if those steps are to go to a silly, comic movie, it can help.

Also, Proverbs, you need to fight the thought that, if things are good, you onlly have to wait for them to be bad again. That type of thought is depressing. The idea is to enjoy the moment now, live in the moment, and take it in rather than predicting what might happen.

Allan:)

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