Depression

[jpasqual]

As I sit hear and write this note - The pain I feel is deep inside - Its not physical - but in my mind. It paralizes me at times and sometimes I feel that I'm by myself and that I have no one to help - I think to myself what is causing this pain and what can I do to make it stop. I think about my seperation, My parents getting old and losing them, the thought of me getting old with nobody beside me . I can't tell you how many times I think about this and try to realize that there is nothing I can do to prevent these things from having happend or going to happen. I try so hard to focus on me now - but I kept getting dragged into the past and future. I know there are others out there that feel the same thing or going through more troubled times than me. What can I do to change or make me feel better about me. If anyone out there knows or can help me understand all this - I would be very grateful.

[paula]

Hi

I understand where your coming from? I too do a lot of reminiscing. I always think, what if this and what if that? But there is no such word as if! It is not even in the dictionary?

I often think back to my childhood days. especially if I go anywhere that I knew I went as a child! I look at steps and think, I fell down them when I was eleven and cut my hand open and had to go to hospital to have stitches. then I think how my dad took me. My dad is dead now so then I start getting all upset just thinking about it! I even walk to the exact step where the wound bled. Hoping to see some of my blood still there?

I picture what things used to be like and what there like now. How its all changed?

Sometimes I think to myself, if I knew then what I know now how different things would be?

I keep thinking, what went wrong? Why am I so lonely like I am? There is to many if's and but's!

[jpasqual]

Thank you Paula for your response - You hit it right on - there are too many if's in the world. I can't change the past and can't control the future - so all I have is now. Its trying to keep it hear and now that makes it hard - My first post was my feelings at that time - The feeling of lonliness comes from my seperation. We rarely had nice words between us and to this day -still argue about things. My problem is that I'm a worrier ( try to find that in the dictionary) . How do you stop it from coming. If things seem kinda random - then you can understand how my mind works. I'm sorry for your loss - It must have been hard for you. I guess I should be lucky that I have my parents with me now and not worry about what will be - plase take care of yourself and thank you again for responding

[paula]

Hi Jpasqual

You mention about being a worrier, well me too. If you read some of my previous post you will see that I also have described how I alway's worry!

You see the problem with me and you is that we think too much of what other people think of us?

We also judge people, well I do and I know I shouldn't, but I can't help it? I alway's look for the bad in people. I think it's because every time something's happened that has been good, then there's alway's been something bad to follow! So now I alway's have my guard up.

I often think of how thing's used to be. Think of how they used to be and what there like now, and then try and think back how they got to what they're like now!

I can't remember everything but there's a lot of things that I can remember?

[jpasqual]

Hi Paula - Thank you again for your post - Just thinking about what you were saying - I cannot say for sure that I worry about whatt others are thinking of me - Although it has crossed my mind many times - but mostly I worry about all the things around me. Things I know I cannot change - like the loss of my parents -my wife and I who I still love and care about, loss of my job, and other things that are happening in my life right now. I don't know how much longer I can keep strong. It seems like a constant battle for me every day. No punches have been held back - and it seems that more comes all the time. When I think its all over - there seems to be more. Then I say to myself - what am I going to do -I have trouble looking at the positives in my life - I don't know why - But for some reasons - my mind gravitates toward the negative. How do I change that? - How do look at the bright side of things like so many other people do. Please write back and let me know your thoughts - hope to hear from you

[paula]

Hi jpasqual

I did reply to this post once over but it's gone a stray!

Things I know I cannot change - like the loss of my parents -my wife and I who I still love and care about, loss of my job, and other things that are happening in my life right now. I don't know how much longer I can keep strong. It seems like a constant battle for me every day. No punches have been held back - and it seems that more comes all the time. When I think its all over - there seems to be more. Then I say to myself - what am I going to do -I have trouble looking at the positives in my life - I don't know why - But for some reasons - my mind gravitates toward the negative.

I didn't quiet get the meaning of the begining of your sentence? Things I know I cannot change - like the loss of my parents - my wife and I who I still love and care about.

Am I right in thinking that your parents are dead and also your wife? I will come back to that when I have a clearer answer from you?

I too am unemployed. You've got to keep strong, if not for others then for yourself!

I know exactly where your coming from regarding that there never seems to be an end! Every time that something good happens, then there's always bad to follow! This is why I look on the bad side all the time!

You could do with getting yourself a hobby or something? I have started trying to further my education. I attend a Numeracy, Literacy, councilling and mentoring courses through the week, which helps me take my mind of things. Also, I start a one day a week voluntry for my local CAB starting this Friday, which gives anyone advice on all their rights! It's getting me out of the house and stops me thinking about my negative thoughts all the time!

I also suffer from Bipolar Disorder which is a terrible thing to have.

Will await on your reply. Take care!

[Guest ASchwartz]

Hi jpasqual,

Along with Paula, I await your response. Also, do you begin to think of suicide? When did these deaths occur (if there were deaths)? Are you getting help with this?

Allan:(

[jpasqual]

I will clarify what I was saying in my last post - My parents and my wife are still alive - my concerns lies with the fact that someday i will have my parents pass away which scares me and the thought I might lose my wife through divorce. I guess I need to look at what battles I can handle for myself and not take them on all at once. I should look at the fact that my parents are still alive - But it hurts me deep to see them getting old - and with my dad - who just had a stroke -to see him suffering. As for my wife - we used to argue so much -It made life really difficult. We were rarely happpy -when it came to the sepreration -it was almost relief until I started to feel lonely - I felt that no one would wanna be with me. I have to make up the financial losses my wife had put on me and to this day demands money all the time. I too am trying to do things -like work out - but I feel it sometimes becomes overwelming. As for suicide thoughts- I thought of the what if I did that - I would not feel this pain - but somehow I find living to more important - so I don't go there. Hope this helps

[paula]

Hi Jpasqual

I will clarify what I was saying in my last post - My parents and my wife are still alive - my concerns lies with the fact that someday i will have my parents pass away which scares me and the thought I might lose my wife through divorce.

We all have concerns about our family passing away, but shit happens! It has got to come to us all one day! You are thinking to far ahead!

To me, it sounds like the root of this problem doesn't lie with the deaths of your parent's or the divorce of your wife, but to the loneliness that you are experiencing at the moment?

Listen Jpasqual, no-one can tell me about loneliness. I've been there for that long, that it just comes naturale now? This is where my trust issues start to develope?

When me & my ex split up, ten years ago. I was left to bring up two boy's & work full time, + pay for the upkeep of my boy's and a Mortgage, bill's etc, and it was hard!

But when my boy's grew up and left home, to make a life of their own. I didn't know what to do with myself? My eldest son went to live in Australia..... And my youngest son went to live in Majorca..... The youngest son came home in June this year and is living with me at the moment.... Which is not to bad. God knows what I'll do when he moves out again?

He came home because my mental health problems, got the better of me! He is a real gem! Constantly watching me, because of my past history! But we won't go into that! Yet...... I feel really guilty, because he could be living a life of riley now? Not stuck home here with me!

I know far to well what being lonely is! I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy!!!! I honestly think the loneliness contributes to anyone's mental health problem's....

I should look at the fact that my parents are still alive - But it hurts me deep to see them getting old - and with my dad - who just had a stroke -to see him suffering.

I'm sorry for your dad but don't think I'm being rude, but you've still got your dad! My dad passed away Four years ago to Cancer/Heart Failure. He was only 64yrs old. He had worked all his life, even up to 2day's before he went in Hospital to have an Operation to remove the Cancer which was successful. He died of Heart Failure, 4 day's after.

Enjoy the little things in life.......For one day you'll look back and realise they were the big things!

[jpasqual]

Thank you Paula - The things you said help allot - Your are so dead on on everything - I think the worst for me is like you said - the loneliness. I should be happy I still have my parents - Thank god for that - I'm sorry to see the suffering you went through. Life can be tough on everyone - we just have to pick and choose our battles. I hope that you manage to overcome the obstacles you face - and you can come out winning - Take care of yourself

[paula]

Thank you Pasqual.

It's nice to know that there is still some people out there, who are still GENUINE! It helps alot!

Listen! The best thing you can do at this present time is, try and fill them empty moments? Go for walks, find a hobby, buy a pet dog, something to take your mind of the loneliness?

Giving up doesn't always mean your weak, sometimes it just means your strong enough to let go?

One thing to remember.... Mental Illness isn't anyone's fault! All you can do is accept the fact that you will always have it? Treated with medical help, it can be controlled. Treat it the best you can and go on. It's not the end of the world, it's a new start, to a new beginning!

Take care!

[jpasqual]

Thank you Paula for your kind words - My hopes thoughts and prayers are with you . I don't want to give up hope and more importantly - I want to do whatever it takes to heal. We all go through challenges and fears in life. I feel like I'm at my lowest right now - It seems everywhere I turn - something else bad seems to happen and it goes through an endless spiral. I try to talk to my friends - people who can support me. But I know they can't fix everything. Thank you Paula for being there and taking the time out of your life to help me with mine - I really do appreciate all your support and help -Take care

[paula]

Hi Jpasqual

I want to do whatever it takes to heal. We all go through challenges and fears in life. I feel like I'm at my lowest right now - It seems everywhere I turn - something else bad seems to happen and it goes through an endless spiral.

I don't know whether I have asked you this before, but are you seeking medical help? If not, then I suggest that you make an Appointment to see your Doctor!

He will be able to help you! Put you on medication to try and help you deal with these circumstances! You are going to feel low, if your not getting help to deal with these issues? You can't fight this alone and you musn't!

Your mind is only accepting the bad things in life at the moment while you are feeling like this, because thats how it feels. The good things in life, your body is seeing, but won't accept. Am I making sense? Because you are very depressed at the moment, what good is happening, your mind is just rejecting, so you are feeling low all the time.

I know it's hard but you have to fight it! If you don't, it is only going to drag you down even further, trust me! Unless you try and fill these empty moments, excuse the expression, your pissing against the wind!

You have got to get help! What do you think your wife is doing now? I bet she's not feeling low, no-matter what has gone on. What about your poor mother? Imagine how she's feeling? I bet her worlds turned upside down? She will be worried to death about your father, and the last thing she will need at this present time is to be worried about you also! Your mother is going to need you now, more than ever! You are going to have, to be strong. Your father may of had a stroke, but there's nothing wrong with his sight. He can see what is going on around him! Imagine how he's feeling? The least you can do is pull yourself together and pay them a visit. Let them know your there for them! Do it asap, before it's to late?

Good luck and take care! Please keep me posted on whatever happens, I'm alway's here if you need me?

[Guest ASchwartz]

Hi Jpasqual and Paula,

I have to agree with Paula. You need to get help. At present, you appear to be very depressed and in need of psychotherapy and maybe medication. Cognitive Behavior Therapy works well with people who are depressed and I suggest you find a psychologist who does this type of therapy. As Paula says, you can also speak to your doctor for medication and/or referral to a psychologist.

At present, you are mourning the loss of your marriage and that is understandable. But, you are not thinking clearly. You are mourning your parents and they are alive. Stop mourning them and enjoy the fact that they are still around. You see, that is an example of how depressed you are.

By the way, there are lots of women in the world. The fact that the last marriage did not work out does not mean you have to be alone. I am sure thera are many attractive women who would like to be with you and, someday, get married.

Allan:)

[paula]

Listen to us please!

[jpasqual]

Thank you both for your help and support - You are correct in what you say. I am seeking psychological help and see a psychologist every week to discuss these issues - That is what makes it bearable. As for fighting it alone - I have a good network of friends that help me get thorugh these bad times - Oddly enough -writing my thoughts like I am doing now has help me a great deal to cope. In addition - your support has helped me immensely. I am currently living at my parents house - so I see my parents every day. I try to show them a happy face and tell them constantly how much I love them and I care - This has helped me allott as well. As for my wife - that is where I feel the worst. She is constantly dragging me down - Telling me how bad I am and how no good I am. She never trusted me - I always felt put down by her. My problems have come to a head with another problem I am facing and I am trying to cope with. My mom had made a statement which make so much sense - we carry our own crosses and from that - we develope our own strength and character. What has happened to me -was too many things happening all at once - Which is why I need to sort things out . I am truly lucky and blessed to have my parents and friends that I have -This include you guys which I appreciate so much. The days I don't talk to my wife - though at times feel down - They are not as bad as when I talk to her -so I am trying to avoid those confrontations with her as much as possible. Does this all make sense - or is there something else I should be doing ???? Please let me know - and thanks again for all your encouragement and support - It really does mean so much to me

[Guest ASchwartz]

Hi jpasqual,

Yes, what you write makes perfect sense and is very clear.

I fully agree that you should avoid your wife at all costs. It seems to me as though she puts the blame all on you for the marriage. You, J, I have worked with married couples in psychotherapy for years and years and one thing I learned for sure is that the failure of a marriage is NEVER the fault of one person. It's always a shared problem. Therefore, stay away. None of us deserve to be dragged down. In the future you will find the right woman for you and have a much happier life.

I am pleased to hear that you have a supportive network of friends. That is extremely important.

I am also very pleased that you find posting here helpful for your self. Actually, there are many research findings about writing or journaling being very helpful. Keep up the good work and let us know how you are doing. I suspect that you are not yet "out of the woods."

Allan

[paula]

Hi jpasqual

As for my wife - that is where I feel the worst. She is constantly dragging me down - Telling me how bad I am and how no good I am. She never trusted me - I always felt put down by her

I understand what your saying but, I think there's more to this than meets the eye?

Forgive me, but I can't remember whether you mentioned how long you have been with your wife? Why is she always putting you down? Forgive me but, there's two sides to every story! Also, you should never judge a book by it's cover! In my eye's anyway!

You must of been happy with her sometimes, you married her. What has triggered this of in the first place if you don't mind me asking? There's got to be a root to this problem?

No matter how long you and your wife have been married, you can't just forget all them years that you have been with her! Bloods thicker than water!

[jpasqual]

Hi Paula - In reponse to your reply - We were married for approxiamently 11 years - There was a time before where we were seperated and life changed for both of us - I had met someone at that time but I broke it up as we reconciled and got back together - the trust was never the same - she watched me like a hawk and challenged everything I was saying - She kept telling me I know your lieing. I was faithful from that time forward - but my depression seem to get worse - She was constantly analyzing me - calling me bipolar - narcisitic and using other terms. She kept bringing back the past which destroyed me as a person - making me feel guilty for every incident that happend. I know I was not perfect - but I felt like I was the enemy - I needed her love and support and all I got was allot of psychoanalysis. I am trying to see a counsellor with her - but it seems there is so much pain and hurt from both of us. Even with all things said and done - I would forgive her and try to be with her if she would be willing to forgive me and show me the love and support I need. Can it be possible - I'm not sure - But I hope and pray that things can be changed - Thank you again for listening and supporting me

[paula]

Hi Jpasqual

Hi Paula - In reponse to your reply - We were married for approxiamently 11 years - There was a time before where we were seperated and life changed for both of us - I had met someone at that time but I broke it up as we reconciled and got back together - the trust was never the same - she watched me like a hawk and challenged everything I was saying - She kept telling me I know your lieing. I was faithful from that time forward - but my depression seem to get worse - She was constantly analyzing me - calling me bipolar - narcisitic and using other terms. She kept bringing back the past which destroyed me as a person - making me feel guilty for every incident that happend.

I remember when me & my ex split up, my boys was only young then. After a while, we too tried to reconcile things, but it just wasn't the same. I also had met someone, to be honest I felt loved once again! My ex took it for granted that I knew how much he loved me? Suppose I did but it would of been nice to be told once in a while instead of him assuming that he didn't have to remind me how much he loved me!

Anyway, when we gave it another try it wasn't the same? My ex did exactly the same as your wife is doing/done to you? He kept throwing accusations at me. EG- "Do I make love to you as good as he did? Am I up to his standard? Do I make you happy like he did?" Till finally, I couldn't take it anymore!

Even though, I tried my best to put the past behind me, my ex wouldn't let me. Constantly reminding me of the short time I had, had with this man that I had met. What did he expect me to do, stay single, waiting till he had sorted his head out and come to some conclusion whether he wanted me or not? I don't think so!

But on getting back together, it just wasn't the same? No matter how hard I tried! Eventually, I accepted that it was no good, it wasn't going to work?

I moved on with my life, bringing my two boy's up on my own. And do you know the funny side of it is, that we both get on like a house on fire now. Neither me or he has met anyone else. We have been seperated for almost 10yrs now & my two boy's are grown up. They both still see their father on a regular basis.

As hard as it may seem, I would suggest you get on with your life, and move on.

[texasgirl]

The very thing I never wanted to be, was anything like my mother in any way. I always said I'd rather die then to be like her, I look in the mirror that's what I see.My mother and I can't stand it! it makes me ill!

[WinterSky]

The very thing I never wanted to be, was anything like my mother in any way. I always said I'd rather die then to be like her, I look in the mirror that's what I see.My mother and I can't stand it! it makes me ill!

I felt the same way when I was young! I don't know how old you are now. But I overcame that. You can too. What are your interests, that are different from hers? Perhaps do something opposite of what she would do. My mother started wearing her hair just like mine and that made me sick! And then she bought shoes just like mine. Go figure... Then folks started saying I wore my hair just like Mom's. :eek:

[Guest ASchwartz]

WinterSky and Texasgirl,

I really identify with what you are both saying. I promised myself that I would never be like my parents once I was a father. Boy, was I upset with myself when I heard myself saying or acting in ways that reminded me of them.

Through my own therapy I came to learn that I did not have to reject Everything about them, just the things I could not stand.

So, Texasgirl, just cause you look like your mother does not mean that you Are like her.

What about self acceptance.

Allan:)

[jpasqual]

I can't remember the last time I went out with my wife where there wasn't a fight or accusation thrown around about each other. I'm guilty of the same thing. My heart is broken - I feel as though my wife would rather break me down - get rid of all my friends to take away my support network and leave me by myself - going through these changes - it has been very tough- I'm glad that I have my support network there. She has always told me that my friends don't care and they don't want to hear me rambling off my problems all the time. I've been carrying tihs black cloud over my head and I've been going to counselling both alone and with her - Where it will end up - I don't know. But I can relate with Paula when she says that she (my wife) is always bringing the past into this - But I'm guilty of that too - so shes not alone. My hope is one day to be happy in life and enjoy things. Right now - my life is in turmoil - so many things gone bad - I need to change it somehow. This helps me allot. Thanks guys for your input and support - You are great

[paula]

Hi Jpasqual

Hows it going? Sorry I haven't been around much lately, but had some mishaps myself.

Well this is a new me, I hope (all goes well with meds).

Have you sorted anything out with your wife? How you feeling? No good looking into the past, it's the future we should be looking forward to now! Live for today as you don't know what tomorrows going to bring?

Please let me know how things are?

Take care!