How do you cope?

[Leo1954]

How do you cope when you have tried to but you just lose hope when everything you have fought for is slowly killing you! [literally]

it's like saying there's always hope read what has happened to my daughter in the last few days!

Yeah i might be feeling sorry for myself but hey! I just don't know what else to do at this time i have tried coping skills of biofeedback;music;reading;i am in therapy seeing a psych since 1993 probably should of sooner. Also maybe if everything had stayed inside my head and never came back out i could just stayed floating away in my life.

I hate having illnesses that i can't control i thought i was in control until it all came flooding back in 1993. I don't know what triggered it but it's been ---- i know that here i can talk and you can't see my face because i feel bad enough that i can't look at my own self at all. My self-esteem is totally gone. Lost a good career ; 2 marriages and i really don't care because i now realize at least that i should of never got married in the first place.

One thing i don't regret in my life is having my son and my daughter. My son has a very sucessful career. My daughter has had to fight all her life to stay alive. I am and will always take care of her she can count on me to be here as long as i live; something i never had. But i made damn sure my children would grow up knowing that know matter what job they had or if they tried and failed i will always tell them you do your best never give up!

But then look now what i have become; no one i'm living in a shell of my body and have to act like i have my ---- together so i can survive to take care of my family honestly if they were not here i would have died at the age of 12 because as i remember that supposedly. I don't remember anything before that but now i realize what a -----!

Well now that i have vented my thoughts on you. What else can i try i have been on all different meds since 1993 some have worked and some or most have not. But what the ---- i know definitely know i'm not the only one.

I have lived in a fanasty world and still have to. Someday my bubble will burst and then all---- will break loose!

[hatemeds]

I know this is a shitty answer but sometimes if one's children are the only thing keeping one alive then as crap as it might seem that there reason is reason enough. I feel for you - have been there and even then they werent enough to keep me from attempting to end my life.

You have friends here Leo.

****

[Guest ASchwartz]

Hi Leo,

I agree with Hatemeds that, if children are what keep you alive then it is worth it, no matter how crappy life might feel.

I have a question Leo, because I don't understand. If you took meds in the past that worked, even if other meds did not, why did you stop taking the meds that work? Shouldn't you take a med that helps you?

Allan

[Leo1954]

Yes i was on meds that helped she said one it was causing liver functioning to go haywire. The other three one i could not get rid of headaches didn't know it was from that. One started having rashes to develope after 3 months being on it. The last one just made me feel like a zombie even though she kept lowering the dosage the ones i'm taking now obviously is't doing the trick. I am taking them just to try and let them at least stablize me some!

I am really tired of switching meds. But i know to just get the right one you have to.

[Waiting]

I tend to cope in one of two ways, although I guess one is not a coping mechanism. I either seek the root of the problem and do my best to resolve it or I distract myself. I watch movies, I play computer games and I debate on forums. The big one is usually games, I can spend hours and hours on them and while I realize it is not the best thing, it makes me forget about what had me down and puts me in a world where I can solve the problems.

[Leo1954]

THANK YOU!

YOU ARE EXACTLY RIGHT IT'S JUST WHEN EVERYTHING COMES DOWN WHEN RIGHT NOW

WITH SO MUCH TRAUMA THAT HAS HAPPENED ESPECIALLY SINCE SEPT. 10th 2010 AT 9:OO A.M. MY LIFE AS I SEE IT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME AGAIN.

I DO UNDERSTAND WHAT YOU ARE SAYING MY MIND IS CONSTANTLY RACING THAT I CAN'T EVEN CONCENTRATE ON WHAT I'M TRYING TO SAY RIGHT NOW. I HEAR WHAT YOU ARE SAYING IT'S SO RIGHT. I JUST WANT A ANSWER IN MY HEAD BUT IT WON'T GET THROUGH TO EVEN SAY CALM DOWN!

[Guest ASchwartz]

Leo,

There must be some med that does not cause liver problems?

Allan

[Waiting]

For some things there no answers we can accept. We just have to accept things with no answer, but I always seek answers and and understanding, but one must realize the universe is in many ways random.

[soregretful]

Leo.

If you are a parent then you are a champion in my book. Its like one of my teaching mugs says in 50 years it won't matter how much money you made what kind of house you lived in or what kind of car you drove, but the world may be a better place because you were important in the life of a child. I would love to have kids but my past will probably screw me. When you have kids there is always a reason to live. Someone who is part of you will always love you no matter how many failures you think you've made. Having children overshadows them all and is more important than any paying job. So no matter how doewn you are find your kids and think that their being he here shows what a success you are. I don't want to give up my dream of being a daddy and husband, something you have already achieved. That alone, my friend, is a reason to hold your head high at the end of the day. Call your kids or hug them if they are there.....for there is no greater gift than that of love. Best wishes leo.....you are the best thing that ever happened to your children.

[Leo1954]

Yes I am very blessed. My kids are the best thing that I honestly can say is the best thing I could bring into this world! I have made sure I could do the best parenting skills to be the best that they could. To me it's not the children in this world that are doing the wrong. [now this is my opinion] It's the parents that let them do the wrong!

I might have also had to bad marriages but, neither one of us have turned them against either parent him & I could never be together but, the children should'nt & are not to be blamed.

Don't you ever think that you couldn't be a dad just the thought of you saying to be blessed with kids makes me feel & think that you would be great!!!!!!!!!

I didn't want to bring children into this world because of the way things that happened to me I was afraid it would happen to them & what would I do if I wasn't there to protect them. I would never ever say they were accidents! I am extremely happy the way they have turned out. I also believe as you say it's not the house the fancy car it's now and what you want it to be!!!!!!!!!!!

Oh and thank you for saying that you think I'm a good mom. I haven't heard that very much & I have been a mom now for 35 yrs. & they have never been legally or in any trouble in their lives. They have been very close even though my son is in Arizona & we are on the East coast they still love each other as they are & were as babies!

I guess I wanted to be a better parent than I am sorry to say that I had!

They were gone most of the time when I turned 12 then that's when I wished & sometimes why I was ever brought into this world because my dad never wanted me & let me know it. My mom I am now taking better care of her than she ever did for me but I guess that is my problem and I think it is my responsibility!

[Guest ASchwartz]

Soregretful,

If having a marriage and kids are something you want then I hope you get them. I just want to point out some errors in your thinking about kids. There are no guarantees that they will always love us, their parents. I have known a few cases where there was so much alienation that contact was broken between parent and adult child. This can happen for a number of reasons, some the fault of the parent and some the fault of the adult child.

Many people have kids thinking they will love us. However, its the other way around. Kids need to know we love them. That means loving kids even when they are being difficult. Remember, you don't throw out the baby with the bath water. They need from us and thats most important.

Also, I think you are idealizing having kids. If you believe, (mistakenly) that you are a failure, then you will feel that way as a parent. The idea is to get help so that you can learn to stop feeling that way. No one is a failure. Its only what we convince of ourselves of. Yes, we may not succeed in doing some things or we may fail at doing some things but that does not make us a failure. All of us have had failures but we are not failures. Its not just words. Its a real diffence.

Every person must find meaning in their lives. Having kids is good but its not enough in terms of feeling like we have meaningful lives. You are meaningful. You are meaningful to us, here. We all need to find value in ourselves. Having kids will not accomplish that. Yes, its good to have kids but you are idealizing the whole thing.

My message is not to discourage you but to tell you how important it is to accept yourself, love yourself, find meaning for your self and learn that you have lots of reasons to live.

What do you think about this?

Allan

[soregretful]

Allan,

The reason I idealize having kids is because that is ultimately where I want to be. Not because it is normal, but because it would make me feel good. I do not want to die lonely. Lonely is not what I want to be. I don't want to be someone who comes home to no one. That is why I idealize it. If I could accomplish one thing, that would be what I would want because to me that would provide me with the most happiness. I need to find some way to achieve happiness at all first. I thought telling Leo about her kids would be useful because even if they are difficult, they are a great place to put your energy.

[Leo1954]

regretful

My children aren't difficult. I don't know if you think I have had problems with my kids being disrepectful or problem kids. I to me have raised my 2 on my own yes it was hard doing it alone because I didn't even get child support because of his alcohol problem.

I only can tell you is please don't have children because you're lonely. It's not that I regret it but, if I could of waited later to know what was going to happen I would of.

It takes alot of your life to raise kids now if you are wanting to have kids I'm delightful for you! I know you are living in hell right but please think it through!!! Talk to your therapist it might not be any of her or his business. But please take one day at a time. Just because I have children doesn't make it that I also might die lonely. Look at my mom she is on last stage of Alzheimers in her mind & mine she is dying alone.

[soregretful]

Hi Leo,

I wasn't suggesting that your children were difficult. I was just commenting on what Allan had said about how children can even estrange themselves from their parents. I can tell you have a great relationship with yours. I admire you for being a parent. I hope I didn't offend you. I am actually keeping you in my thoughts, as I don't have much purpose to myself these days. I don't want to have kids because I will die lonely, I want to get married because I don't want to die lonely. I want someone to be there for me at the end of the day, during the hard times. My potential wife would be a stay at home mom, and great at it, and after looking after 26 of someone else's kids all day, I would love to give my energy to my own. I am not even sure I am going to make it through the summer....this is one mistake I just do not forgive myself for. I feel like crap every day and don't even feel worthy of happiness. If I had the means, I believe I could end it all right now.

[Leo1954]

I thought you meant that. I understand now what you meant. I am about to lose my daughter read my previous post that I did yesterday afternoon. It says Finally The End!

I also don't think I deserve having kids now because I can't even now provide a roof overher head soon. I think you do deserve kids but, please don't have them if you think you will not die lonely even if you have kids. It right now is a lonely cruel world no matter waht I also have tried! You have a lot more to give, please hold on you will have somebody come into to your life that will make you happy & you WILL have the children you want you wuld make a excellent parent especially the way you express yourself!

[soregretful]

Why don't you believe that about yourself? I know times are tough, but look at all that you have already done. I am not saying you are better off than I am, but I can only dream to have a life where I was a parent. All I am doing now is counting the days off of my life. Did you read what I did? I mean, what the heck...I would make a good parent, but I am not fit for parenthood at all. I do not deserve it and some mistakes are unforgivable. At least you haven't done anything to feel like you do. You are just the victim of unfortunate circumstance and did not bring anything on yourself. Wish I could say the same for my stupid self. I already have the somebody I love, but I don't deserve her.

[Leo1954]

To speak frank with you how do you know what has happened to me. I suggest to hold some comments about me without further reading or looking back!!!!!!!!

[hatemeds]

Hey Leo - sent you a PM.

We're here for you sister!

****